Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Sorry blog,life happened,we still cool right?

College this year is interesting, I'm[generally] so much more motivated and in a better state over all. I know so many people it's ridiculous, I can't walk down he concourse without seeing someone I know, it's amazing.I'm so far away from that guy that came to college last year and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

I finally managed to ask out a girl I've held a candle for since about february,turns out she has a boyfriend, cool moving on NEXT!.I never expected this reaction from me,I guess that's why I never took the leap to ask her out.But thankfully, I must have matured or become jaded either way, it's cool. When all I really have to complain about is being single it's pretty cool.

Well,that's a lie.Apparently the finances at home aren't the greatest, so it came down to buying in the usual amount of cattle/feed/etc. this year even though prices went up or paying me for college.cows won.I've worked a lot over the years and have some money earned,which might hold me for this year but still,seriously? F*cking cows over your only son,the only dependant you have,the only investment you can make and still cows, seriously guys?Thanks,makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So,penny pinching aside,this is going to be an awesome year, so help me.Now to convince someone to go out with me,this'll take doing but let's see what happens

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Karma,you bitch

So, stuff what did happen lately;
My plan to leave and get a week in Dublin before college got crapped all over,but I'm here now \o/
I missed my Driving test by 2 hours [12;45 vs 2;45] sometimes,I wonder how I manage to keep the show on the road at all.

I actually prayed I'd pass, I genuinely have never prayed for anything in 6/7 years.I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I'd take the "god's a kid with the magnifying glass and we're the ants" approach.I kinda feel dirty about it now :/

Yesterday, on the bus up from home, I saw the body of a drowned woman being dragged out of the liffey as we went passed.It brought back all the memories of the day they found my brother, my world fucking split that day and all the pointless crap everyone else worries about just disappeared.I sort of realised why I'm so cluttered and have a thought process like rabbit on speed,it's self defence.People tell me, I'm heedless, heartless and even stupid because of it. It's the best option for me, keep thinking,keep your mind moving and don't focus on anything too often, it's why I always have music around me, a distraction.Why? the simple truth is, there's so much in my life that's out of my control, I think I'm better off not thinking about how much there is, I prefer missing half it.

It does make me wonder, what sort of an evil bastard must I be, to deserve this

But I will hold on hope
"And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in my pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

but most importantly; Ranelagh, FUCK YEAH. FREEDOM!!

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

Thursday, September 2, 2010

"Oh if I could kidnap that feeling,the one that melts all this from your mind.I'd make no demands, no ransom.'Cos I'd never set it free"

This is the first free time I've had since I got back from the Gathering. it's the nerdiest thing I've ever done.Grown adults dressing up and fighting with swords, sounds nuts?it is, think I'm crazy for doing it? so do I, think it's unbelievably weird? me too.

Best weekend of my life? BOOM!

I met the nicest people,strangers I met on the ferry loaned me about 50 quids worth of stuff just because I was new,any time we went looking at gear people were happy to pay for it or give me gear instead, why? Because weird ass gamer/internet freaks are the nicest,kindest human beings I've ever met and guess what I'm darn proud to be one of them.

[Note:wow,it really is no surprise why I'm single,damn you nerddom!]

The downside,I made the mistake of giving a rough description of what I was at to my folks, basically said I was swordfighting for the weekend.The response? Laughed at and called a nut by my old man.

So,life is good overall.I'm almost free[5 days!!] I know what I like,I dodge the ridicule for doing it,I've people who don't care what I've come from,just who I am.I get to be me,not what I feel I have to be,that whole "Square peg,round hole" situation is coming to an end.

So o everyone who's given me so much shit;HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCH!

Life,for now is good.No to sleep,in my awesome new flat in Dublin \o/

Friday, August 20, 2010

What's wrong with me?

Here I am, 6 in the morning.Just got home from my first night out in almost 3 months and the guilt is killing me.I slipped,just for a moment, said yes to people I really shouldn't know any more,people I'm not safe around any more.

I drank,I smoked,I got high, I fucked up.I'm feeling like such a fucked up little boy right now,I guess that's what I am deep down.Everything else is just a cover to get by, a smile for the cameras.Why can't I let myself relax?

I mean,maybe I'm wrong,maybe I have it all mixed up.But can't an 18 year old guy just go out and have a few drinks with some old friends?Hell no,I always do this,if I get the chance I jump at the escape,drink too much and come home more of a failure than when I left.

I'm tired of it all,I can't do this any more.I need to get away from this place,these people, it's all just too poisonous to be around.

Damn it life,I just want to be happy,why is that never an option? Everyone around me is moving on and enjoying their lives,why can't I just have that? is it really too much to ask for? Apparently so.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Layer Cake

*Gets up on my Soapbox*

This is one of the few life lessons I learned from a really young age.The best thing you can do for people is stomach their bullshit.I know I'm cynical about a lot of things.

But Something has become abundantly clear in the last few days[long story]It's not the problem, it's the people.

If you're reading this I want to make something abundantly clear.I will always[good or bad mood,even if we're arguing,even if we haven't spoken in a long time,even if you don't think I want to hear it] listen to you,day or night, good or bad.

I know I can be a bit of a douche sometimes[I'm trying to fix that] but I do care,far too much for my own good and just enough for everyone else

Friday, August 13, 2010


This has been the longest/hardest summer of my life.I went back to that place I swore I'd never go again,I ended up feeling like I said I never would again.I said things I'll always regret

But things will be different.I've plans for this year,the first long[ish] term plans I've made in years.I've plans for me,I'm going to change,I have to get my head together and get back to being a "normal" human being again.Time to grab life by the short and curlies, then show it who's boss.This angsty whingey bullshit does no good for anyone.

This year I have to:

Do a damn good job on committee;I'll be remembered for doing something

Get my damn Degree sorted out;I'll have something to show I'm not a failure

Spend more time with people who are worth it;you know who you are

Trust someone and put yourself out there;get a girlfriend,it's okay to let people in Alan,not everyone's a Douchebag learn that SOON DAMMIT!

Stop hiding who you are; Fuck the haters and stop taking people's crap

Calm down and enjoy life;you've a lifetime to live it,don't be in such a rush all the time

Blog when you're happy, this place must be mighty depressing now

Buy yourself nice things, you can have good stuff it's okay

BE HAPPY!!! and stop looking for ways to ruin it or feel guilty about it

P.S: refering to yourself in the third person is weird,don't do it

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dead cat bounce

" A financial term,refering to a speculative rise in price possibly preluding an increased drop in overall market share.Refers to the adage "Even a Dead cat can bounce""

Well, here I am,bouncing.

YUS!! fancy free and footloose.If only for today,then so be it.At least I have today.

[and probably tomorrow,I'm going to Dublin \o/]

Monday, August 9, 2010

Turn it off,nah fuck it, turn it on

Well, as most of you know Today was a bad day
But that's not what this is about.I did something yesterday I said I'd never do with this; I reread and deleted a blog post.Why? because I changed my mind about talking about it,well screw second guessing myself.Here's the gist of it;

Self harm;most people think of cuts on the wrist or destrcutive behaviour with drugs or alchohol.Well, I call that bullshit.I've never mentioned this before,mainly because it doesn't matter any more.I say I can relate to a lot of peoples problems in comments/on boards,I'm not making this up people.You name it,I've done it. There's a whole week from '08 and another in '09 that I can't remember,but I've heard stories.There's scars on my arm/back/leg from a razor,there's that lovely extra bit on my chin[you'll never see it] from when I used to eat so much.

I learned something about the whole self harming thing,it's easy.Hate me all you want for saying it,but it's my experience of it.You think some cuts and a few drops of blood from a razor is pain?Try having a hand clamped in a vice or a finger in a vice grip or a fist in barbed wire.Pain is an "escape" no it's not,for me anyway it's a minor inconvienence in life.The same goes for drinking,that little bit of haze in your vision that blurs problems as well,it's not worth the money.

I know your judging me on this,go right ahead.You want real pain then go for the scars that no one will see.Nothing hurts like people,being a failure,messing up.Pushing people you love away.having someone who understands you and can kiss it all away,then using their heart to break yours.That's pain and no plaster can fix it,no detox to clear it out.
Stewing in your own private hell,when no one knows your there.No escape,no happy haze,no hopeful stupor,no bleeding out the pain.Just sitting there,staring into nothing running it over and over to yourself.

What hurts the most? This:

Maybe I'm different[hell,there's no maybe] but dangling hope just out of reach is what gets you,only then do you take that leap of faith.

Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to the bottom,no escape,no breaks,no coming up for air.

"This to shall pass" but until then,enjoy the ride.

Well,that was a lovely happy post wasn't it?Sorry if it hurt, I needed to say it.

and to be clear;I'm not suicidal or physically hurting myself any more.I've realised there's worse things in life,I'm every one of them.

Now that the oh-so-whiney,oh-so-pontless morbid crap is out of the way.Time to swallow hard and get on with it,because guess what sunshine?It's all well and good wondering and dreaming and hoping,none of that pays the bills,that won't get me a degree.

Life's a bitch like that ain't it?

"You take that pain,you ball in up good and tight,then you cram it down with some more pain and never think of it again"

Run to the hills..

This is me hitting bottom.

My advice for everyone else:

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Little Lion Man

"Weep for yourself my man,you'll never be what is in your heart"
"Weep Little Lion Man,you're not as brave as you were at the start"

I spend all my time writing this blog and I've never read it,hell half the time I don't even read the words on the screen as I write them[WOO! touch typing].I'm not going to lie,I'm afraid to,I'm afraid to see "what is in my heart" I don't want to see what it's like as a whole,what this makes me seem like.I'll only get defensive and change it or it'll become a conscious thing.Just thinking about it,I'm consciously trying to dilute down what must be a deluge of whingey angsty crap.So I weep for myself,I'll never be what I think I am,but thinking of me as something different,something better is as close as I'll get.

"Rate yourself and Rape yourself,take all the courage you have left"
"Wasted on fixing all the problems you made in your own head"

That's me size myself up,set myself up,just to be able to knock it down again.I wish I could convince my family,I'm not lazy dumb or useless,it just take all my effort and attention to force myself into what little they see me as,trying to keep my own head fixed enough to work is a full time job,especially with a full time job :/

/self indulgent blog

Saturday, July 31, 2010


Reverse Elf-Face :(

I genuinely am starting to hate my own family,I hate that I ahve to say that,but it's how I feel.

We all have this thing[a complex of some sort I guess] where we're always right,I'm painting myself with that brush as well,I assume I'm right most of the time.One thing I don't do and don't have in common with them is;I don't rub it in peoples' faces.

Househunting;I'm saving a good 300 quid a month on last year,but it's not good enough,the places my sister finds are perfect,despite being smaller,shared and further away.But she's right and I'm wrong,why? because that's how it is,thats the way our world works,all the shit lands on the little guy.Apparently,I'm a judgemental ass because I think a spoiled friend of mine is spoiled,I've known the guy for a year,I have a fairly good impression of him and I don't judge people.Why is it a bad thing? He's a funny guy,good to be around,but a spoiled ass,it's who he is.Why am I being judged for having an opinion?

I hate all this whining and moaning I do,but FFS Can I have an opinion or a decision?Would it kill everyone to let me go and live for once?

Maybe all I want is to be a bum and have fun with my mates,can I not make that decision?Or can I make the choices as long as I get where you want me to end up?

"I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be,so I'm lying my way from you"

Friday, July 30, 2010


Slight change of pace for once,HAPPEH BLOGGING!

yesterday was the best day of my summer so far,today was pretty awesome to boot.
No real reason,lots of little things;
I left my ipod behind when I changed busses,the driver waited for 10 mintues and helped me look for it,great guy.
I had a decent bit of sleep yesterday for the first time in months[half of it was on a 4 and a half hour bus trip but still]
I slept through a very long bus trip,
I got eddie rockets [seriously,vanilla malts beat any drug ever.I know I'm so cool with my milkshakes]
House hunting is going pretty well,after douchey lanlords and cancellations an awesome house that fits perfectly has opened up,here's hoping we get it.
And an evening of "How I met your Mother" and some great laughs with my[newly realised] best friend.
Met a lovely stranger with a great taste in music on the luas[ Ark's <3]

So,if only for a day or two,things are coming up roses for now.It's nice for things to ease off for a moment

"'Cos every little thing,is gonna be alright."
If only for now,I believe it

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I could really use a wish right now..

***WARNING contains epic moany whining***

Dear God/Alanis Morrisette/Morgan Freeman/Cuck/Whoever,
WHAT THE FUCK?Why me? what did I do to get this?I understand life throws you curveballs sometimes,it keeps you on your feet,let's you scale things,keep things in perspective.

I don't need perspective,I have far,far too much of it at this stage.The more I think about it the more I see the bad stuff.There's that thin veil of happiness on top,why can't that be all I see?

Most people have twists and turns in life,some bullying,some depression,some little accident when they were young that still effects them,some problems at home maybe or just a little bit of an odd background.

Why did I end up with the whole bunch?Why am I nice?Why do I bother any more?
Name a problem I've had it or grew up near it.I wish I was exaggerating,I wish I was trying to sound cool,I wish I was posing and being all moody,I wish I could just stop and say it was all made up,it's not.

I wish my brother wasn't an alchoholic;
I wish he never hit me as a kid;
I wish I wasn't the fat kid people made fun of;
I wish I didn't eat all the more because of it;
I wish dad didn't fight with them almost every day;
I wish we had money;
I wish I could qualify for a grant or something;
I wish they understood,just because the money comes in,it goes right out again;
I wish they cared about family more than work;
I wish they didn't kill themselves;
I wish I had parents instead of bosses;
I wish they could let me get my own job and leave;
I wish he didn't prove that I rely on them for everything financial;
I wish I could rely on them for anything else;
I wish he never called me stupid/slow/useless/a waste of space/the worst one;
I wish I had gone through with what I had planned out,let someone else clean up the mess;
I wish I could wake up and not be sad;
I wish summer was nice and normal like everyone else's,not a living hell;
I wish I didn't have to force myself to get up,to hold on a bit longer;
I wish I didn't have to work all day to have what most people get handed to them;
I wish I had a choice in the matter;
I wish I had an opinion that wasn't always wrong;
I wish they were proud;
I wish I was proud;
I wish people could see the scars;
I wish they'd heal;
I wish I didn't have to care;
I wish I didn't have to help;
I wish I didn't notice anyone else's problems;
I wish I was anyone else;
I wish she'd feel the same;
I wish I didn't have hopes,you can't shatter what isn't there;
I wish there was someone else who could do it;
I wish I was normal,is that so much to ask?

"I could really use a wish right now"
It could be worse I guess,Still alive,anything else is a bonus,somehow.

Hi,I'm Alan,probably the most fucked up human being you'll ever come across.I'm not made up,I'm not going anywhere,I'm not giving up,I'm not sure why.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
That's alright,because I like the way it hurst
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
That's alright...."

"As I say this to you tonight,let us not forget.There is hope"

Friday, July 23, 2010

Time is everything,it's everything

So,today was a bad day,well "worse" I suppose.Same as every day,but worse somehow.

On the upside;I sort of mentioned in passing me being depressed to my parents[it took a bit longer than usual to make myself get up for the day]
On the downside;their reaction was,basically,:
"well go to the doctor and get it fixed,in the mean time we have this, this and this to get done today so shape up"

"Please someone help me,I'm dying here in front of you"

I can't say I didn't see it coming,it's how they are with everything,lip service and just get the hell on with it.

"We'll start a fire and burn some bridges"

What's the point?Why do I bother?This family died 5 years ago,why can't I just walk the hell away?.I know this sounds terrible but it's easier when we don't talk at all,hurray for WANTING a more fucked up life.The biggest thing I like about this place is my dog,how sad is that? I mean really

I know I said I didn't want to be such a whiney bitch,I don't like how this blog makes me come across,but I'm holding on by fingertips here.So,I'ma be a whiney teenbag until I can be sane again..

one more month.....

Thursday, July 22, 2010

On Music

Music is a big part of my life.It's my drug,even working around home I have an iPod in my pocket and although it causes an argument with dad half the time.I NEED to have a beat in my ear,it gets me through the day.

I know that sounds kind of sad,but it's true.A rhythm to focus on and to keep me focussed or distracted I'm not sure which,but my mind wanders less and that's a really good thing for me right now.It's probably why I have such a soft spot for drum and bass music,it's clean "pure" if you want to sound all emo and junk.No words,no real meaning to get you going,just straight music to do with it what you will,every time I listen to it it could mean something different,feel that bit different.

For me,it's mood manipulation as well,the autoplay song on this blog [that you all hated so much >.>] always calms me down and puts a smile on my face.I have no idea why,something about Iz singing somewhere over a rainbow makes me think of a happier place.It sort of works both ways,certain songs make me feel pissed off, or rather brings it to the surface, "killing in the name of" for one,maybe not angry but not taking any shit kind of mood.Or motivational,just by the way it sounds,in general it's more about the sound than the lyrics;
"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen[and various others] is all about sex,but it always seems so sad to my mind.

In a way it always seems to say things better than I can,most of these posts have a song attached,it usually sums it up for me,whether it's just a lyric that stands out for me or the "mood" of the song fits, in my head anyway

Well,that's enough of my craziness for one rambly blog post,makes a nice change from the whingey teenage dirtbag[;)] tripe I normally spew out,so I'll leave it with generic worky type music;

So;on a scale of 1-Bruno how Ghey is this topic idea thingy anyway?

On the road again...

I like this whole "30 days" thing.It's nice having a topic to write about and let's face it I don't HAVE a life to blog about,so here's an Idea I came up with a couple of weeks ago:
Topical Blogging, kind of like LC English all over again *shudders*

Pick a topic,write about it.SIMPLES!
it's going to be;

I may like How I met your mother a tad too much :D

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


#1 — Your Best Friend

Sort your shit out so we can get a house already,I really need to get out of here and it's such a great excuse.I hope your having an awesome summer

#6 — A stranger

The back of yo' head is ridikulas and you may or may not be hot/strange looking,I doubt I noticed you otherwise.But Hi anyway and have a good day/night/life

#9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Phillip DeFranco,one of the most subscribed YouTubers ever and a pretty funny guy.I'd just like to know what he's like in person.He's a good bit of my inspiration for this blog and has an amazing lige I'm stupidly jealous of,his job is to talk crap to a camera at home,play and review video games and pimp out his friends to the internet.How fucking great of a job is that?

aaaand that's 30.now what?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


#10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

There's far too many people that this goes out to.I've met so many people I'd love to get to know better,but life just doesn't work like that.I kind of prefer to keep moving between people or I'm just greedy,I don't know what it is,but I want to fit so much time in with so many people it never works out like that for anyone.But there's one person that springs to mind;

We really should hang out more man.The bit we have spent together we got on ridiculously well and you get my taste in music [as well as the nerdiness,you'd be amazed how rarely the two of those go together]

#14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

We used to be like two halves of the same person.When exactly did that end? It' still pretty similar when we do hang out ,as rare as that is.We have to change that some time soon.

#21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
I was so wrong about you. Best mistake I've ever made tbh.

Monday, July 19, 2010


# 5 — Your dreams

Can you sort yourself out please?The whole "I want to be happy" thing is a bit shite,I know what/who/where I DON'T want to be,but that still leaves a big ass target to hit.It'd be nice to have some sort of discernable place to aim for/a way to get there,I can figure those out pretty well.

Sleepy-type dream;Stop being so messed up,I get the whole subconscious thing for dreams.Why don't I ever remember you,like at all?And why are you never good? I want the flying one or one with blackjack and hookers,actually screw the blackjack.I don't sleep well anyway,you could at least entertain me when I am asleep,be more like daydreams,those things are awesome.They really help me get through the day.

# 23 — The last person you kissed

Was actually a dude,I'm staright,but I was rather drunk and was dared in a game of kings [I NEVER pass up a challenge] so yeah,awkward one this.I'd rather not go into details as I can't quite remember.But kind of bad timing on this one I guess :/

# 28 — Someone that changed your life

Thanks for being in my life,you showed me there's worse things in he world and that I'm not alone in all this shit.You aren't either,don't forget that. you're so positive and get my douchebaggy sense of humour.Try and keep your ridikulas head in line though mmkay? don't do anything I might regret.

Saturday, July 17, 2010


3 — Your parents

Honestly guys,are you happy like this? I mean,you hardly talk,even less to me.The little you do manage is just small talk.I don't want anything from you,I gave up my expectations of you a long time ago.I would just like to see you happy is all,you deserve some of that after everything.It's not going to be coming form me,you've made that abundantly clear,but life is about the Up's the downs are only to keep everything in focus,don't let that confuse you.

20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

I've never really had my heart broken, as much of a big softy as I am and as easily I tend to fall for someone, I never really open up enough to get properly hurt or heart broken as much as I've opened up in recent years,I still can't let people fully "know me",it's a problem I have,it's getting better [with a huge thanks to this blog tbh] but now I guess I need someone to let in before I can get hurt,someone to see more than just one or two sides of me.

29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

You have no idea how truly beautiful you are on the inside and the outside.Don't change,just being you is all you'll ever need.

30 — Your reflection in the mirror

This probably the hardest one of these I'll write.Me facing myself in the mirror is one of those things that changes far too often.One day it's smiling and thinking of something funny,another day it might be frowning at the ridiculous amount of imperfections my skin has or how unfit I look.Sometimes I have to convince myself to just make it through the day,some days I'm asking why I even bother.Sadly,my attitude towards myself isn't that great most of the time,I guess something should change that,but it's always been like this

So,the best thing I could say to myself;"Dude,get your life together,the way things stand you're pretty pathetic;no girl,no car,no job,no goals,no life,no prospects.Seriously,hop to it man.

Is this what everyone else sees?

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to change his ways,
And no message could've been any clearer,
if you want to make the world a better place,
take a look at yourself and make the change"

Friday, July 16, 2010

[26, 13, 22, 24]

# 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

How Gay was that? seriously,how'd you talk me into it?

# 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

I don't really have anyone I want to forgive me,In general I know when I fuck things up and apologise soon afterwards,so I guess understanding is all I want from some people,not forgiveness.

# 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

This is much more than your second chance,cop the fuck on.Next time,I'm not coming back.

# 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

I don't really have a favourite memory,I don't have a "go to" memory that can bring a smile to my face.
The happiest memory I have in the last while is from a party I was at earlier this year,I was talking to this girl and we just clicked so well.I remember we ended up just holding each other on the couch all night,talking crap and just having a laugh.Nothing happened and I just felt like someone liked me for me,without knowing how fucked up I am,just me as a person.It was nice.

Note to self: WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HER OUT!!!

I'm so going to recycle this song some day.The SMELL of angst like

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

aaaand we're back[2,7,19,27]

For now at least

# 2 — Your Crush

Why do I get the feeling we're drifting apart? I hope it's the same between us next time I see you.You are just awesome and amaze me the more I get to know you.Also, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE!?seriously,you can't be funny,hot AND single,there's always a catch[....are you a dude? >.> <.< :D]

# 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

I'm so,so sorry for what I said.I did mean it at the time,but I shouldn't have said it,it didn't make a difference.I wasn't in a great place and I was[am?] a horrible,horrible person on the inside,why couldn't you stay away? Why did I have to hurt you?I hope you're okay and thanks for having low standards ;)

# 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Good-Why are you in my head? I barely know you.Thanks for bringing a smile to my face

Bad-I'm sorry it has to be this way,I don't want to do this to you.But you don't change and something has to.I guess I'll take the fall again this time

# 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Hopefully,I'll change the "for only one day" bit.You weren't the friendliest person I've ever met,but for a single use friend,you had an effect. Thank for the pimp-speak,everyone hates it.But remember,I let you win,because you were funny and I regret nothing

This is so much better than the original IMO and I can't figure why

Sunday, July 11, 2010

..With a pocket full of shells

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more. So that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?

I hate this, all this angsty sounding Bullshit.This isn't attention seeking,this isn't acting out,this isn't sparta ;).This is my own piece of crazy trying get some therapy.

I hate the traditions here,it's like living in the 50's.If something's wrong pretend it isn't,if something needs saying don't ask about it,is someone is unusual it's wrong.If something is different stay away from it.

I think it's time I stopped biting my tongue and started biting back

No matter what way you treat a dog,always remember he's got teeth

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A place for my head

"A heart full of pain,head full of stress,handful of anger,held in my chest"

Well,it's been a long few days.As of now,my plan is to grit my teeth and see if I can make a compromise at home so I can survive until college comes around.I've cemented one thing in my mind:The second I can stand on my own two feet and move out,I'll be gone like a dust cloud and not look back.

it's the little things that make a difference in life,like today mam rang to say I got my deposit back from college and Dad rang me to get the measurements of something in the shed.I walked out of the house and only for she stopped me,I would have taken the car just to get out of the place,the least you could do is try to talk to me or ask me how I'm feeling.The response I keep getting from my sister and mam is "he's 63,he's not going to change at some stage" well something has to,I'll admit i'm not completely innocent here,I should probably do more,but it shouldn't get to the stage where I have to leave home to get my point across and even then they show no interest,What kind of shitty ass parents are you? Something is wrong when I have to try and fix this relationship.Where were you when I failed first year?Calling me a useless failure,What did you do when I came home at the weekend? Told me what work to do and sent me on the bus,not once was I asked how things were going.

What kills me the most is how good I am[I don't mean that arrogantly] but after years of being told I'm stupid/useless whatever.I can still say I'm not;I'm a decent guy,I try and help people where I can,I don't drink every chance I get,I'm not heavily into drugs,I don't abuse myself or my parents,I work hard at home,I worked hard in college,I failed and picked myself up and got on with it,I've been smacked around by a drunk brother,I've been thrown out of my own bed in the middle of the night as a kid,I've had things thrown across the room at me by my brother,I've lost half my family and I'm only 18 and still[relatively] normal.To be blunt and hurtful[it's not my intent] people have turned to drugs and killed themselves over things as small as exam results or a boy/girlfriend dumping them.

Would it kill you to acknowledge that,just once?It's killing me when you don't.I'm your son,not your slave.

"I wanna be in energy,not with the enemy.A place for my head"

I understand if you don't particularly want to read this,but I need to say it,it's what this blog is for I guess,saying what I have to,I don't really expect anyone to listen

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


This is sort of on Hiatus,I will finish the whole 30 days thing,but I've a lot of stuff to sort out in the next few days

So bear with me,there's got to be a lot of harsh words said between me and my Dad before something terrible happens.But I'll be damned if I'll just walk away,it's not fixing anything and will do more harm than good for all involved.

It's been a looong day:

Monday, July 5, 2010


I started this last night and deleted as i was far too tired to finish it.I used a different thign to pick the numbers and it pciked the same ones,creepy stuff

# 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Surprisingly enough,this isn't a relative of mine.I'd love to talk to Is Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax a homeless guy who stopped a mugging and was stabbed by the mugger,who ran away as did the victim.He lay dying on the sidewalk in america as a camera watched almost 20 people walk by him as he bled out over the course of 4 hours.It actually really inspired me,that people can put doing the right thing above all else.I'd just tell him he was a true unsung hero and that he showed at least some people what people are really like
# 15 — The person you miss the most
Is actually a friend of mine I met in Dublin,we got pretty close in a really shor tspace of time and didn't even see each other much.But when we did we really clicked,hopefully that'll change when I get back.I haven't been that open with someone in a long time.you're a really awesome person,
# 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Keep your chin up,you've beaten worse and don't be afraid to open up,even if it's to relative strangers,just getting it out there is what counts.It doesn't really matter who listens

Sunday, July 4, 2010


yes a dice can roll 3 consecutive numbers :/

# 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Hurry up and get back here so I can ask you out dammit.It's been far too long since we've seen each other.
# 17 — Someone from your childhood
What happened between us? We were the best of friends,two halves of the same person almost.I'm sorry we didn't go to the same secondary school,but we were still the best of buds even though we didn't meet often.Why did we have to change so much in college? and cop the fuck on and get off the drugs it isn't funny any more dude.
# 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Who are you exactly?
I don't really wish I could be anyone else.Maybe me,just a little different,I wouldn't be single for one thing,there's one chance I regret missing.But for all the shit that's happened to me and still happens,I wouldn't really change it.I guess that's what keeps me sane/positive/whatever.Even with all that I've had to deal with,I wouldn't want anyone else to have it and I know this sounds arrogant,but I think I'm pretty awesome and I like my brand of crazy,not stuck up or anything[even though it sounds like it] but I seem to attract the best of people into my life,some of that must reflect onto me right? How do you sound modest and still say you like yourself at the same time?

Saturday, July 3, 2010


I should probably say,I'm rolling a D10[ten sided dice] to pick how I do these,D10's are only used for RPG's and I have a bag of them.I'm such a nerdy gamer.

# 4-Your sibling (or closest relative)
Thanks for being there so I can vent every now and then.Thanks for the tips on how to put up with the SH*T around this place.Thanks for living in Dublin and having an awesome couch ;).Thanks for leaving just before I was born,seriously, you got out young and turned out great,you're an inspiration and I'll probably never be able to tell you.I have to ask,did you really need to have that many kids? Do you regret dropping out of college when you got pregnant? and thanks for understanding everything,from what it's like moving out from the folks to my weird sense of humour.
You're the very best[like no one ever was :D]

# 8-Your favourite internet friend
Please write more,I hardly know you but I love everything I know so far.It's as much about what you say as it is how you say it.Don't be sad,I mean it kills me when you're like that and it shouldn't happen to you.Also,Don't be a stranger, come and say hi,surely you don't think I'm that bad?

#12-The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
This is an odd one; it's split and changes a lot between a few people;

1) Why? what did I do to deserve this? Why do you hate me so much? We should be close,I've tried to be,I lied far too much to make it happen.Now,just leave me alone,some things can't be fixed and it makes everything Shit for me when I try to fix them,you've had you're life now kindly just stay on the periphery of mine so I can have the best one I can.I get I'm not exactly how you wanted,things aren't the way you wanted,but for fuck's sake at least try and change before you make things worse,NO? of course not,you're always right,you're always most important,regardless of the cost.

2)"Where'd you go? I miss you so,seems like it's been forever,that you've been gone"
Why? you were the vest one,you were their favourite,they made it pretty obvious.Why did you do it? Could you not have been stronger?Could you not have said something?
Wherever you are,if I'm ever near you again,you're going to regret it.Did you not see what would happen?Were you that selfabsorbed with you're own shit that you didn't think of what it would do to the rest of us? What have you got to say for yourself? What reason can there be? You messed up you're career,it messed up my life.I could have been normal,worried about the usual stuff;girls,sports,clothes, but no,you took that away from me,I had to grow up then and there.I had to shoulder everyone else's tears,I had to pick up the pieces,I had to keep going.Why the fuck couldn't you do the same? You used to tell me I was a waste of space,I was a failure,I was the runt,I was the one wasn't good enough.Well,who the fuck were you? I'm still here,what did you ever accomplish? Selfdestruction that destroyed a lot more than just you.I owe you for going before me,you owe me for an entire lifetime being different to everyone else I'll ever know and nothing anyone can do will ever change that.The most important thing I want to say is:
"I'm still here and I do love you,idiot" now please get out of my head.

Welcome Back Bebo

Right,well this seems a bit immature and brings back memories of a 14 year old me on Bebo,but feck it I've nothing else to right about.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favourite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
It's meant to be 1 letter per day,Fuck that for a bag of spiders.I think a random number approach fits better,take that meme

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Behind blue eyes

Do you ever wonder what goes on in other people's head?[yeah,I'm weird like that]

I always wonder about people around me,what do you think of me?

What do they see when they look at me?

I mean, I know what I'm like,but does anyone else see me the way I think I am?

Am I the way people think I am?

Sorry, for the confusion

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Life,the Universe and Everything

Man,I love that title < 3

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately [never a good thing] about the future,the past,stuff, things and whatchamacallit's

And I've found some stuff that helps and messes things up a lot.I've spotted what I'm really like[well as much as you can tell about yourself] from some situations I've been in and what I'm like when I'm at home.

I'm two completely different people, I know how crazy that sounds,you can put down the straightjacket.The simple explanation is that I have to be, I have to be quieter and just a "smaller" more timid kind of guy,it's what works and gets me by.I can put up with more of dad's crap and all the time I spend alone and how much I don't want to be like my friends[ Seriously,who does Cocaine on bonfire night FFS?] but I learned in college,that's not me,not the real me.

Real me is a pretty decent ordinary average kind of guy; a gamer,a nerd,a bit of a bollocks,but bearable to be around.There's only one problem with that guy,he hates being stuck in the same place all day, everyday,talking to no one,stuck in a boring routine with nothing to shake things up.He's not the guy to stay stuck in nowhere farming,but he's an assload happier.

I had a bit of an argument/venting session with dad a while back and he blurted out:"If you don't like working here then don't" that's not an option.For one thing in his opinon unless you work 12+ hours a day and get up by dawn you're a waster,so me not slaving around isn't going to happen.That and I can't watch an old crippled man hurt himself trying to keep this place running just to prove a point,I'm not wired to do it.SO my options seem to be throw it all there,break my parents hearts and ruin 4 generations of work or be happy and actually enjoy my life with people who genuinely care because of who I am,not because I happen to live near by. F M L

So yeah,I've started to dole out the crazy a bit more if you haven't noticed.I am [relatively] sane but spending nearly straight days on your own driving a tractor does strange things to my head

P.S: =42 :D

Friday, June 25, 2010

Somewhere I belong

"I had nothing to say and I get lost in the nothingness inside of me"

"I want to heal,I want to feel,what I thought was never real.I want to let go of this pain I felt so long.
I want to heal,I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.I want something I've wanted all along.Somewhere I belong"

"I will never know myself until I do this on my own and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.I will never be anything 'till I break away from me,I will break away, I'll find myself"

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Back Home

III'mmmmmm BAAAaaaAAAck,well just for one.

I had an interesting conversation with Dad today.It's come up a bit lately that I don't work enough,which I can't really argue with.I could try harder,I won't deny that,but I really don't want to,I've been there where I put all my effort into the farm and every little sarcastiv remark he made,every little snide remark cut more than any razor ever could.So I'm going to lie in,I'm going to finish as early as I can,I'm not going to go out of my way to find stuff to do.Not because I'm lazy or because I'm not interested.But it's because I've seen what that leads to,nearly every man in my area is in a crappy dead end job and a [as horrible as this sounds] pretty crap marriage.

I know those are terrible things to say,it's not something I like to do,but one of the few things I want out of life is to die happy,not to have had a happy life.50 years from now,when I'm old and retired I want to be able to look around and see people I love as much as I did when I met them and have enjoyed what I did with my life,is that too much to ask?

There are loads of people around my are that "settle" in life,they never left,they never changed since they were kids,married someone they went to secondary school with,worked for someone who they met in the pub and maybe had a bit of a farm,because their parents did exactly the same.

If I'm honest,that's my hell.It's why I get out of bed in the morning,I'm going to get out of here,I'm going to live an awesome happy life,even if it's just dossing on the dole and hanging around with some friends for giggles,it's going to be MY choce dammit and I'm going to like it.

I like where I'm from,it's a beautiful place and it's where I grew up,it'll always be home,but It just doesn't really fit as well as I want it to :(

hurray for long ranty whinging!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I broke

I gave up, head down,mouth closed,just shut up and get stuck in.

I couldn't take all this crap any more,so I gave up and fell back into my old routine.Not seeing anyone,not really trying to see people,just going from A to B and starting the same again tomorrow.

I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while,I have nothing to post about.my life is back to that lovely shade of grey it used to be.

three more months....

Sunday, June 6, 2010

so many people are blogging and posting about running away lately.I'm exactlly the opposite,I want to run back.

my life as it stand right now;
7.30/8 wake up,check my e-mail and facebook,bit of boards.
9 have breakfast ready for dad when he comes back to the house and have some.
10-2 work,work long,work hard,but work.
2 food
3-7/8 work some more.
8-10 chill-facebook,blogs,boards
Monday-Sunday,June-September.two hours of free time a day,that's why they are called "Holidays"

I even overheard dad saying it to one of our neighbours"I have that lad killed working" okay,I agree.WHY DOES THAT NOT CHANGE ANYTHING?
I was thinking yesterday,I've been home for 2 weeks now.I've spoken to maybe 20 people in that fortnight only 4 of which were under 50 and that was over a week ago.
I'm a people person,not the centre of attention kind,but I need people around me.The biggest thing I loved about college was people.I'd spend hours[too many hours I guess] at the blob,just hanging out with Gamesoc.


I miss seeing people every day.The best I can manage now is at the weekend,even then I'm wrecked most of the time,after a days work,it's not easy to get up head out to a pub.That's the only option,I saw it a few days ago on the telly,the three highest concentrations of pubs in the country,was kilkelly,charlestown and ballyhaunis.
I'm smack in middle of all three,there is NOTHING apart from getting sh*tfaced at the weekends and very little interest in doing anything else.
I love my old friends,lots of good times.But no one around here has changed since they were 16,nearly everyone lives together in houses in either NUIG or ITSligo.They still hang out with the same people,just a different place.Hell half of them haven't made any new friends in College,the clique stay together and that's it.
I have to get out of this small town attitude,work and booze isn't a life I want.A Hardworking Alchoholic who's wife left him,is probably the coolest guy in the area.Am I the only one who disagrees with that thinking?

so yeah,whingey whiney moany blogging,

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What really matters

Awh snap! self-titled blog,this means business :D

so, I got my results for first year today.I fail 5/12 subjects.

That's one of the happiest moments in my life so far,I failed and I'm not suicidal.You literally have no idea how much that means to me.It's something I've worried about and wondered about for 5 years,it's such an inspiration for me.

F*CK you life,I can do this.

So,to give a bit of backstory; 5 years ago this summer,my brother got his results from college and he had failed first year.He said it to my parents and they were okay with it,dad made some of his usual smart comments and the day carried on.At some point[I was in school] they had an argument and Dad in usual fashion called him an idiot etc.I guess it was just too much,dad went off to get something in a nearby town[this was mid-morning] and when he got back no sign of Seamus.After a few hours of phone calls,they decided to get me out of school.They found him in the lake behind our farm,Life hasn't been the same since.

I'm bringing it up because today was the same day.I failed my exams,I regret nothing I lived more this year than any other time in my life.Yet still dad makes a point of calling me stupid,I can take that[most days] but god damn it man,you've lost 3 sons to suicide one of which was in exactly the same situation the day that he died.Will you ever learn? I don't know why I bother,people put up with less and have completely broken ties.Maybe I've issues and am blaming the wrong thing for my brothers,but being insulted daily can kind of mess up your head,no? god no,how could it ever be your lordships fault

I've thought of suicide,I've planned it,hell I even started walking to where I'd do it a few times.I was going to do exactly as my brother did,but he beat me to it.The same thing happened next time around,I had figured out how I'd go if I was going to and a brother beats me to the punch.Honestly,of all of us I always figured I was the weakest,I wasn't as determined as the rest of them,I wasn't as good at getting things done.Well,it's all on my shoulders now.

It'd be nice to have something to get up for in the mornings,apart from insults and regimental orders.Well,that's not the story now,maybe tomorrow or the next day or september

anywho that's probably messier than I wanted it be,but it'll do.

And for anyone having a hard time please:

P.S:I know I probably freak some of you out,but I don't have anyone to talk to most days so it's nice to get it all written down

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

killing me softly

I just want to go to bed,maybe tomorrow will be better.

I know what the solution is,I've tried it,it made things worse.

why do I stay in the middle of all this crap?

Monday, May 31, 2010

Communication Breakdown

One of the things I hate most about myself is my muddled up way of getting a point across.

There isn't a week that goes by where I don't feel like screaming what I'm thinking,just to get it out there.
I'm just naturally a closed book I guess.

The worst bit is I hate it,I have to be honest I get pretty jealous some times when I see people who can just say it.
'I'm sad' 'I like you' 'I hate you' they all get caught in my throat.
I've missed so many oppurtunities because of it.My idea gets someone else a prize, my quiet comment gets a round of applause.

I'm not a jealous person,but sometimes I just kind of feel like "Hey,I'm over here,did anyone notice"

one of these days I'll stop being self absorbed and blog about something else,promise

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I am not your rolling wheel

this'll probably be a double header but anywho.Beware the stench of teenbag in this one.

Can you love and hate someone at the same time? I mean, I love my Dad,he's my father he's kept a roof over my head and taught me some decent life lessons.But on the other hand he is a weapons-grade asshole,I know that sounds very whiney teenager-y.But I've realised it since I came home for the summer.I was never really happy growing up,not that I was UNhappy per sé, but content was the best I ever managed.The best feelings I ever really had growing up was "Well,there's nothing wrong at the moment,that's good right?"

I was never an optimistic person,I just assumed that's how I was.But now I've gotten away for a few months and been myself without the constant criticism,I've realised it's not who I am.I've mentioned being "old me" and "new me" a fair bit lately and to be honest it's the only option,to be two different people. I literally can't stay sane at home,unless I put up with momentous amounts of shit from my old fella.I guess I can't blame him,his dad died when he was a toddler so he never knew what a father would be like,he's worked his entire life,the result being he's a boss more than a parent.But that just doesn't cut it,I can take criticism,I a huge critic of myself anyway so I can see where people are coming from,but some of the things he has said to me over the years;
"I hope you fail your exams,I could use a hand around here"
"Alan,you're a failure"
At my brother's funeral: "Paul was the best of them,I put so much work in with him and now this *points to me* is all I'm left with"

Now I can understand being non-demonstrative,but I've never heard a compliment from my dad that wasn't blatantly sarcastic.I guess he's just like that,but it's gotten to the stage sometimes where I can see where my brothers were coming from about not being able to live like this.I don't like being insulted on a daily basis,nor do I like being told what I can and can't do or how stupid my idea[that eventually solves the problem] is.

I guess the hardest part is trying to understand why,I get the whole putting what hopes he had for my brothers onto me,I'm all he's got left,but after 3 suicides I'd like to think what ever morality he has would say "hmm,maybe I shouldn't treat him like shit" maybe there is some trend appearing here.This is going to be a long summer.I mean looking at some of the crap you see on Jeremy Kyle and Dr. Phil and other crappy daytime TV,it seems like I should be a drug abusing homeless run away or in prison for patricide.Is a little recognition for managing to be a completely broken person too much to ask for? seems so.

and half way through writing this he came into my room and asked me "Do you ever stop looking into that,one of these days I'll break it" the answer I swallowed was; no,I'd rather look into this than look at you,the internet has helped me make new friends and keep old ones,you've discouraged both.

You don't have to respond to this,I just needed to write it down.In case you had any dellusions that I was in anyway normal

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We're going down

I really can't stand being home again.I love home,it's home, it always will be.

But i don't know if it's growing up or that I've changed in college,but I seriously can't put up with my parents any more.I know I've only been back a week,maybe it's just part of settling back in to my old habits.But I'd love nothing more then to go out and get locked this weekend, which is not a feeling I like,ever.

Drinking has always been pretty weird for me, well 'weird' I suppose different is the word. my parents are seriously anti-alchohol, my Gradnfather on my mother's side was an out and out alchoholic [not the funny college kind either].My brother was something similar when he was alive,he never really left home and just drank aroud the local towns every weekend.I guess being messy drunk or having a bit of a "craving"[you know when you just want to get out] scares the living Sh*t out of me deep down.

This is one of the reasons I hate being at home,you HAVE to drink.I hate that,I might have one or two if I feel like it with some friends,that's my limit.I NEVER go out just to get drunk if I can help it,but my area is so dead that there is no interest in doing anything else.I practically gave up drinking in college,not on any major choice or anything,I just had other more fun stuff to do that didn't involve it and I loved it I'll be honest.Finally a change in pace.

well,that made no sense and can you SMELL the angst off this post, shocking stuff like.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Calm like a bomb.

I'm starting to get back into my old groove now I'm home and I hate it.

I hate having to bite my lip and not say what deserves to be said;
I hate having to just play my role;
I hate being nothing more than a tool;
I hate being forced to live in my own empty bubble;
I hate being insulted, repeatedly;
I hate being belittled;
I hate being isolated;
I hate the old me;
I hate the amount of crap I take from people;
I hate some of the things I could say to people;
I hate how they are getting closer to being said every day;
I hate how much I hate;

can anyone find me:

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I can dance if I want to

hmm,this could be one of three posts,let's see where I finish up.

"Tell a girl she's beautiful and she'll believe it for a moment, tell her she's worthless and she'll remember it for life"
This was put up as the status on a facebook group I'm in.I don't know who it's by but it makes perfect sense, swap out girl for someone and it puts my social perspective out there.I'm pretty retro-obsessive or neurotic whichever word fits better. I can remember stuff I've said or things people have said to me years ago [ I'm imagining a conversation in 4th class now] I know it's odd,I'm forgetful on most things but every now and then something just sticks in my brain, something I said in the heat of the moment or something that struck a chord with me.Little insults that deep down I agree with, funny how people always focus on the negative rather than the positive.

Saying that, one of my role model-y neighbours[yeah,it's totally a word now] was over today.She's a woman in her early 70's now who used to babysit me the odd time,when my folks wanted me out of the way for a bit.She was in pretty bad health for the last year or so, spending 9 months of last year in hospital with gallstones that kept causing pancreatitis[pain akin to childbirth for hours],now this lady is abou 6 stone and maybe 5 foot tall.She said "Ah,sure it wasn't the best alright" when mam asked her about it,now that's one tough lady.Call me weird/kiss ass/old fashioned if you want, but I have huge respect for anyone in my parents generation[my folks are in their 60's btw]. just because I grew up with anecdotes of the time from dad mostly,they had hard lives[well anyone I know] and are tough people, It's something that's always kept me grounded I guess.My folks grew up from having nothing,I'm so much luckier than they were and my life has been so much easier.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was how bitchy people can be,but the irony of bitching about it in a blog is a bit much, even for me.So,I'll leave it here and pop on a video

I wish I could dance :'(, but I still love to try :P

Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh times, They times are a changin'

I'm getting fed up of this being single craic.I'll be honest, it's starting to bother me. I mean first year in college is officially over and I'm still by myself. Am I really that awful?

And I got back home today from college, I can feel this summer being the same as every other falling back into my old life, being that guy again. The biggest thing I hate about where I'm from is that it never changes.Even my old friends are still exactly as they were last summer and the summer before etc.

It even came up in conversaion at one point,how we used to act at the kid's discos the impersonal set ups and such. It's still the same now even though we're in our late teens. the local hobby being drink until you get wasted and hope someone likes the look of you at in the morning. It'd be nice to take a change for once, go to a movie or bowling? it's only half an hour away, nope just me apparently. Binge drinking is still fun after 3/4 years of the same crap.

Maybe I'm just weird like that, but I'll admit I've changed in college,I won't apologies for that. Most of the old group still live together and hang out every day in college. By all means don't lose the old friends but god damn it people broaden your horizons.

beautiful song;

The nerdier version [watchmen]

Monday, May 17, 2010

Restless dreams I walked alone

Well,It's officially summer for me;exams are over adn now that I'm "home home" it's hit me.
I'm 'alone' again,not that I don't have all my old friends from secondary school,but I know I will miss living in Dublin so much.I had the luck to meet people who get the "real me" so much better than anyone at home ever could.

Don't get me wrong,I love being home,it's so much smaller and quieter than the city.Yeah,I sound crazy but the three biggest things I miss when I'm in dublin;The silence,you never really get true silence in dublin,I love the thought at night especiaaly that there is nothing making a sound for a good mile in every direction;The stars,it's probably my favourite thing about being at home,is being able to stare up at the stars,I just wish I could show them to someone; and finally my dog [didn't expect that did you?] that short little fecker is always able to make me smile.People say animals don't have peronalities,that's a lie nothing has ever missed me as much as that little guy did when I was away for the last few weeks with exams.
I opened the car door as I got back from the bus and he practically jumped in the car.:D

Probably one of the things I miss the most about living in dublin,not the going out,a club is a club IMO,but the conversation.I never realised until I went to college,but my old friends never really talk.Maybe it's a culchie thing,but thinking back we used to basically run on small talk,"out tonight?" and "Did you see the match?" were all tried and tested conversation starters.Saturday I was talking about the principles behind evolution,then about the theory of god,then the superhero I would make if I became god.
Random crap but,I loved every minute of it.

it's going to be a long summer after this week is over....

and yes,of course I used the watchmen version :D

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well,this is a weird one.....

I had a good few things on my mind today,all of them I could write a fair bit about.

And half way through my ponderings[yeah,I've named them now] I saw the happiest person I've seen in weeks,if not months.It was a fairly young child with what I will assume was down syndrome playing with the pigeons that hang around Busáras and enjoying every second of it.I have to admit I was jealous,that kid was absolutely content with life.A lot of people have pity for people with mental conditions like that

Is it wrong that I was a little jealous? all that kid wanted was to chase the pigeons and a lollipop[happened a few minutes later].I really wish life was that simple sometimes,if a lollipop could make the world all better again.

I sort of feel like I want too much out of life.I guess happiness is a matter of perspective:
"Some of the happiest people in the world come home smelling to high heaven"-Morgan Freeman as God

I spent about two hours writing that and completely lost my train of thought ages ago[this always happens],I'll leave y'all with this:

Friday, May 14, 2010

Did you miss me?

so,It's been a few days [I can procrastinate from a procastinate blog]

I have to talk about some of the people in my life right now.My family care far too much,they've been calling once if not twice a day through all my exams.I guess I can understand that,with me failing some of my subjects they can't help but be worried.I just hate the thought of them being that worried about me.I'll be fine,regardless of what happens."Keep smiling" is my motto,if you keep faking a smile then the real ones will come eventually,it's helped me through a lot of tough stuff.I wish I could find the words to convince them I can accept failing,if I've learned anything it's that there's very little in life worth getting yourself down over.

My friends,I have such amazing friends and I appreciate them far more than I'll ever be able to say.I know so many awesome people it astounds me.I've met probably two of the most talented human beings I've ever heard of: one is a semi-pro rugby player with a heart of gold and has had the best chances in life,hell he was a concert soloist for years and yet he gets as low as I do.Knowing him has taught me two lessons: Don't ever make assumptions of anyone and that some people will always surprise you.The other is one of the most intelligent and funny people I know,if only she could see it.I've met the most optimistic person in the world,an absolute ray of sunshine to anyone who's met her and sometimes she can't brighten up her own day.
I've been so surprised by the people I've met,I'm glad just knowing these people all real inspirations in their own right.
I'll probably never say to you in person,but meeting you has been some of the best things in my life.

Monday, May 10, 2010

What in hell is wrong with me?

Same shit different day,
Why do all my hopes go to hell?
Where's my reward?
Where's my Karma?
Where's my Silver lining?

I'm nearly too annoyed to write at the moment,maybe tomorrow will be different >.<"

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today was one of the best days I've had in quite a while,nothing amazing happened but I had that lovely content feeling that I've missed for quite a while.

My exams went fairly well,as expected not well enough,but I saw that coming.The weather was great,I hung out for a few hours with some friends and introduced them to the Dj Dain-Don't worry,I'm yours wonder of music.The nearest thing to my ideal day.

I love the sunny weather,especially here in UCD the greens were full of couples just relaxing out in the sun,I thought it was nice,it gave the place a carefree sort of atmosphere.
That got a really unexpected reaction on boards,I've been single for a good while now and I still like to see people out together happy,but the amount of people that are annoyed by it surprised me.I can't see why you'd be against someone else's happiness,

but yeah,not really sure what it was about today,hung out for a while,sorted out some society stuff for the summer, dropped up some shopping to one of the girls that hurt her leg and headed home,all pretty lazy and relaxed,just that subtle kind of content happiness.My nastiest exams are over and come monday night it'll be a cake walk from then on in.

so,that's it really.Nothing exciting or cool to talk about[what am I talking about,I've never been cool],happy times for now.

if you havn't heard the song: get an ice cold some cider,a few friends and sit on the grass while it's sunny.What it's best for IMO:

Friday, May 7, 2010

Maybe this time....

I failed physics yesterday.I'm not too sure how I feel about that.

I accepted a while ago that I realistically can't pass this year.I have almost no chance of passing programming,I am carrying one stupid fail from last semester that I should have passed,just a silly mistake that ruined it.

Now,don't get me wrong,I'm not too sad about the whole thing.My folks are okay with it,even if I do repeat the year.No one in my family has a college degree,only one of my brothers even attempted it and it killed him,my sister repeated second year twice,then dropped out when she got pregnant.She's always wanted to go back,not for the degree,she is happier now then she probably would have been.But just to prove it to herself,we're alike in that way I guess.

I've always kept the highest standards for myself,I don't judge anyone I know,on what they've done before I met them,where they are from,who they know,who they used to be.It's who people ARE that matters to me,that's who I'm friends with,not the old you,here and now is what matters.If only I could put the same attitude to myself I'd probably be better off.I don't mean this in an arrogant way,but I'm probably th eone person who never needs correcting,not that I don't make mistakes,I make more than most,but I notice every damn one of them or at least a hell of a lot of them.I'm never good enough for myself, I always want to be faster,stronger,better.That's what makes failing hard for me,not that I mind having an extra year in college,but that I shouldn't need one,I should be good enough to get straight through it.That sounds crazy to say,I know people won't exactly think less of me if I take an extra bit of time to get there,I on the other hand can't accept that quite as easily.

I'm critical enough to know what I'm like,but it's just how I'm hardwired like that.It's only when I start to think everyone else is as critical as me that things get hairy,I know I won't be able to measure up to a lot of people's standards,but maybe some day I'll be enough for someone.

it was just too perfect to pass up

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar

gah,this studying craic is torture.

I'm one of those people who can't ever just sit still.I have to always be doing something,it's like an addiction.I don't know what it is about me,but I like to be involved in things.

I guess that's what got me into the failing first year situation to a large extent.I can't really say "NO" all that well.
This year I:
Was on the pagansoc committee,
was the SU class rep,
unoffically Gamesoc committee,
ended up being post-positioned as RPG Director for Retcon,
Was trusted to run the busiest part of the whole weekend for the above,
Was told by a lot of people,including all of the committee, to be the auditor,
Got elected on first preferences to the committee,
Made some awesome friends,had some even better memories
I really came out of my shell and see who I can really be.

well,that's the cool interesting stuff anyway,there's some other not so cool things too

Basic point of this post: I'm awesome come and look at me :P
But seriously,Just thinking back over the last 8 months,I've changed so much from who I was last summer,I'm more of who I am and want to be,then of what people wanted me to be.

Granted the new me is a bigger kid than ever,playing games and joking around all the time,but so what? I missed all this crap growing up,I was either working or studying like a nut.

I know I sound like an arrogant cock,but what can I say,my pride has always been my downfall.I'm proud of what I did this year[even if studying was never one them]

Really not looking forward to this long drawn out summer now,I have to find something to keep me sane,I never cope well with just sitting around[hell just look at this blog in the last week]I think all those game/storyline concepts I've been blurting out this year are going to be written and tested


also,if anyone recognises the Firefly quote at the top I will love you forever

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

remember,remember the fourth.....

Today is Tuesday the 4th of May.Today would be my brother's 25th birthday,I normally just get on with it.But this year,this time it's different:This is the first time I'm away from home,this time I'm in first year of college with exams starting two days.

This time five years ago my brother was in the same situation.First year exams in trinity.I am pretty sure I'm going to fail a good few of my exams this semester,this year was pretty hard over all,sort of stepping into his shoes for me.

I can't shake the questions,How was he feeling in this situation? He got his exam results and had failed first year,5 hours later he was dead.

I can't help but compare myself to him,I'm in almost exactly the same situation.I have some pretty bad results coming my way.I don't know how I'll react to seeing it on paper.One of those little trials I have out in front of myself,to see if I can measure up.

it makes me wonder though,who would I be in a different life?What if nothing had happened?What would I be like? Would I be a better person?Would I be more successful?
at the very least it'd make things a lot easier having someone there who went before me.

I know so many people havn't got anyone older than them to ask for advice,but the difference that always makes it harder is that,he did and it was all too much for him in the end.

well,that got a bit heavy,most people come with emotional baggage.Here's me travelling with a freight train.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The man who can't be moved...

I really wish I was.

I've a messed view of the world,a few things today really cemented that in my head.

1)Woke up and dad came to blow off some steam,last night he got a call from a neighbour [WARNING CULCHIE ANECDOTES!!!] who was having trouble with a cow calfing.Now,I'm a pretty patient guy but I would have hit the guy after what happened last night,I won't go into the details but he made a stupid,basic mistake that even I an 18 year old lad that has damn all experience in the grand scheme of things[this guy is in his mid 60's].He drove the cow mad by tying her with a rope[common sense say wild animals don't like being tied up] then wondered why she wouldn't calm down and start calfing.Before dad finished telling me the set up of the situation,I had told him what I thought it sounded like,I was right. Now here's what annoys me: Me a young lad still earning this stuff,can guess the problem just after waking up lying in bed,not even dressed yet and a Seasoned old farmer who has been doing this for the last 50 years can't spot what's wrong.

***City folk start here***
Now,I've time for most things,stupidity isn't one of them.Now,I don't mean education at all,my dad didn't finish primary school and my mam left before junior cert [reasons for both,it'll come up again].Hell,I'll be the first person in my family to get a degree if I get that far.But back to the point,I don't have time for Weapons Grade stupidity,even less when it's causing an animal to suffer and could cause an unborn animal it's life,because of someone elses fuck ups.If you don't know what you're doing people admit it,that way no one gets hurt

2)I always find it's an attitude problem where I'm from[well,I think it is].The general trend in my area/school was to stumble through the leaving cert and hang around the town for the rest of your life.Now,don't get me wrong,I love my home,but some of the people drive me nuts,when your goal in life is nothing more than having enough money to get locked at the weekend and maybe a few cows so you have something to pretend to know about,then you can stay the hell away from me.I know I'll sound hypocritical,I love farming,I love being outside,I love being close nature.But more importantly whatever I do I want to do well,I'm in college so I can be the best I can be at what I do.I can't understand people who just don't want anything out of life.I want respect,I want happiness,I want love,I want to know whenever it happens,if I end up lying somewhere dying,I want to be able to think "hell yeah,I'd do that all again".I take pride in what I do,even if it's something I don't really want to do[that really won't be reflected in my exams but anywho]

3)I can appreciate things,I know I sound arrogant and old fashioned[I guess I am in some respects] but people these days don't appreciate what they have.I grew up with stories from my parents about not having money to buy new clothes as kids,Dad not getting a chance to know his father as he died young.Even as recent as them dealing with not being sure if they could buy the groceries when I was younger with the cheques not being sent out for cattle.I've said it a lot over the years,"if you aren't dead,then you havn't failed at life", people seem to be too hard on themselves [I'm at the very centre of that crowd I know] and can't see what they do have.Talents,skills,friends,the one that always gets me is GF/BF's how can you take someone that cares about you that much for granted? Some people have so much in life,please don't wait until you've lost it to see how good something is.

well,glad I got that off my chest.I can't see for the life of me why people read this,I'm just venting and ranting.I read other people's Blogs because the really inspire me and I care what's going on with them.

The Script-The Man who can't be moved

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too.

I tried to not let this get to me,but I can't shake it:
"Stop looking for things to get annoyed about."

Do I? I mean do I actually put myself in situations to get angry? I'm not an angry person by nature.Hell,I've even been called on being almost too cold and calculated,or is it just passive aggression I use?

I will admit I'm having a bad day,a lot of people have a habit of coming to me with their troubles,I appreciat eit and take it as a compliment.But sometimes,as harsh as it sounds,I just don't give a fuck and have my own stuff to sort out.I'm normally pretty patient and try to help with stuff even if I've no experience of it.But when people start crying to me about stuff that effects me more than them,it does annoy me.

the latest antic being money,now the friend that was whining[and that's all I can class it as] about not having money.This guy lives in a mansion in Dalkey,the richest of the rich and his parents are a barrister and a tax consultant so fairly recession proof,with no mortgage.He's whining about not having enough money to go out.
He gets €20 a day when he's in college.All he has to do is buy lunch,why can't he afford to go out on that much?
Now I, a country boy,living away from home,by myself ,live on the same amount.I get €100 leaving on the bus at the weekend,out of that I have to buy a weeks worth of food and a € 25 bus ticket home.I still save money every week,don't get me wrong I know 100 quid is more money than a lot of people have,if I'm honest I think it's more money than my folks can afford to give.I just wish he'd be a bit more mature about it and stop whining like a spoilt kid,I always bite my lip at that part,but one of these days it's going to bleed and that'll be that

Money has never mattered much to me,not that I'm tight or anything,I just don't waste money.There wasn't a lot of it around when I was growing up,we never did without and I love my parents for that.I guess this is why something else struck a chord with me on boards:
"Do the working class get depression or is it a middle class thing?"

I'm not ashamed to say I'm from a "working class" background,my parents have worked hard all their lives and I've had as good as a part time job since I was ten at home on the farm,just so we can get by.I'll [hopefully] be the first person in my family to get a college degree [eventually] so,maybe my definition is wrong but not the "high society" most people I know might be from.So what? I don't judge anyone I know on where they come from or how they grew up,I judge them on the person they are.Maybe that's unusual, society seems to think the stuff you have makes you who you are,my attitude is more "I'm not dead yet,everything else is bonus"

I don't even know where this post is going,but I guess I just need to see it written down.
a quote springs to mind: "IT's not the perfections that make you love someone,it's those little cracks in the mask,the little things that annoy you but you can forgive in an instant,that's what makes it love,"
I probably messed that up,but it's the sentiment I liked,not the words.

moozik time:
the title is from:Glee-My life would suck without you
[okay it's from kelly clarkson,I prefer this version]

and a song I've been listening to a lot:

The lyrics are amazing,the melody is good too

and since you've read this far,a reward: my MSN: alanphoran@live.co.uk
come and say hi,I don't mind answering questions about anything in here