tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46174706258736399592024-03-13T06:36:41.218-07:00What really mattersRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-85584826150795274332011-03-15T17:00:00.000-07:002011-03-15T17:06:20.299-07:00I promised I wouldSo,things have happened.<br />First of all the girl of my dreams and this blog and I finally got together.As cheesey as it sounds we were both into each other but due to a load of silly little things we never got together until now.<br />And after some nudging from her I reread this blog,only in part, and found a list of plans I made for this year.Ironically the entire thing came into being except one,to blog about the happier things as they happen.Well here I am now.<br /><br />I grew up a lot in the last few months,that long hard summer really got me out of my shell,I kind of feel like this is the "me" I've been missing all these years,that guy who was caught up in all his problems instead of just being awesome.<br /><br />So,yeah life got shit for a long time,now it's gotten much better and its going to stay that way,so help me.RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-49662152757394600962011-02-20T02:43:00.000-08:002011-02-20T03:01:17.054-08:00What's wrong with me nowI can't vent to people around right now for fear of what I'd say sogood ol' blog to the rescue;<br /><br />There's a high chance that one of my parents can/will die very shortly and it's making me take a look at things,<br />I'm 19 tomorrow and it's exactly the same as last year.I'm still single,I'm still failing college,I'm still failing my family and no matter how hard I try I can't break this cycle of crap.<br />To make a bad situation worse;I'm in love with my best friend,I had a thing for her before but managed to just stow that away and hide it,but I can't do it any more,it's killing me.The best part;she confided in a friend that we would have got together months ago if her current boyfriend hadn't beat me to it.So she's still with him,she doesn't like him any more,but won't break up with him because; he's far away and thinks things are okay,her friends like him and once upon a time she liked him.So not only do I have a thing for her,I'm trying to help her sort out her head and watching her in an unhappy relationship,it's breaking my heart.<br />Me being the big ghey that I am can't help but feel guilty for trying to break them up,I think it's the best thing for the both of them, or am I just being selfish?I'm not sure if I've convinced myself it's the right thing or it actually is the right thing to do.<br />That along with a chat I had with a friend who's worrying if his other half will leave him drummed up a lot of old feelings I thought were dead and buried.The old self hatred came out again and I can't help but feel like I'm just dragging everyone around me down and the facts of my life;<br />I can't be happy,it's just not on the cards for me<br />I can't be loved,I'm far to messed up to subject a girl to me,it's torture and plain unfair[which really helps with the friend situation]<br />Good old hero complex again,if I can't be happy.I'll live a life that might improve that of those around me,which I'm failing at and doing more harm than good.<br /><br />And to top it all off,the committee's I'm on are calling me a traitor and a failure because I've other things going on in my life.Just once I'd like to be normal,the steaming pile of crap that is my life,it's my burden to bear but I'm just normal enough to want what everyone else wants,but messed up enough not to have it.<br /><br />Fuck my life,does anyone want it?I'm tired of it right now.RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-86756652058498440982011-01-31T15:59:00.000-08:002011-01-31T16:06:04.392-08:00Just being niceI've somewhat resigned myself to what I want in life lately.<br /><br />I get that I'm going to be single for a long time,people that know me agree I shouldn't be and am the nicest most genuinely awesome person ever,but that doesn't matter to people if you don't come across as attractive[I say that with no arrogance or ego but it sounds otherwise]<br /><br />Instead,I've started just making my corner of the world a bit brighter; A daily ompliment,welfare crew stuff, getting people to talk more about how they are feeling and the Pretty post-its thing I heard about is pretty fun.Put a post it around somewhere with a compliment written on it,it's a challenge to come up with them and finding where to put them, but hopefully someone who really needs it will find it<br /><br />Also,cycling to Galway this weekend in aid of crumlin children's hospital which is going to be a challenge but it's for a good cause and hopefully I'll feel better about myself after.<br /><br />That's pretty matter of fact but I'm really busy with everything.Odds are I'll be on here more in the coming weeks,the usual spring/birthday bout of depression is coming on,I just need to get around it for a week then it doesn't matter how I feel<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" class="youtube-player" type="text/html" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8iyDZBAFxKE" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen></iframe>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-67447112726321802202010-10-12T15:51:00.000-07:002010-10-12T16:06:15.927-07:00CawlidgeSorry blog,life happened,we still cool right?<br /><br />College this year is interesting, I'm[generally] so much more motivated and in a better state over all. I know so many people it's ridiculous, I can't walk down he concourse without seeing someone I know, it's amazing.I'm so far away from that guy that came to college last year and I wouldn't change a thing about it.<br /><br />I <em>finally</em> managed to ask out a girl I've held a candle for since about february,turns out she has a boyfriend, cool moving on <strong>NEXT!</strong>.I never expected this reaction from me,I guess that's why I never took the leap to ask her out.But thankfully, I must have matured or become jaded either way, it's cool. When all I really have to complain about is being single it's pretty cool.<br /><br />Well,that's a lie.Apparently the finances at home aren't the greatest, so it came down to buying in the usual amount of cattle/feed/etc. this year even though prices went up or paying me for college.cows won.I've worked a lot over the years and have some money earned,which might hold me for this year but still,seriously? F*cking cows over your only son,the only dependant you have,the only investment you can make and still cows, seriously guys?Thanks,makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.<br /><br />So,penny pinching aside,this is going to be an awesome year, so help me.Now to convince someone to go out with me,this'll take doing but let's see what happensRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-34405760607992321772010-09-11T01:19:00.000-07:002010-09-11T01:20:29.896-07:00Karma,you bitchSo, stuff what did happen lately;<br />My plan to leave and get a week in Dublin before college got crapped all over,but I'm here now \o/<br />I missed my Driving test by 2 hours [12;45 vs 2;45] sometimes,I wonder how I manage to keep the show on the road at all.<br /><br />I actually prayed I'd pass, I genuinely have never prayed for anything in 6/7 years.I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I'd take the "god's a kid with the magnifying glass and we're the ants" approach.I kinda feel dirty about it now :/<br /><br />Yesterday, on the bus up from home, I saw the body of a drowned woman being dragged out of the liffey as we went passed.It brought back all the memories of the day they found my brother, my world fucking split that day and all the pointless crap everyone else worries about just disappeared.I sort of realised why I'm so cluttered and have a thought process like rabbit on speed,it's self defence.People tell me, I'm heedless, heartless and even stupid because of it. It's the best option for me, keep thinking,keep your mind moving and don't focus on anything too often, it's why I <span style="font-style:italic;">always</span> have music around me, a distraction.Why? the simple truth is, there's so much in my life that's out of my control, I think I'm better off not thinking about how much there is, I prefer missing half it.<br /><br />It does make me wonder, what sort of an evil bastard must I be, to deserve this<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">But I will hold on hope<br />"And I won't let you choke<br />On the noose around your neck<br /><br />And I'll find strength in my pain<br />And I will change my ways<br />I'll know my name as it's called again"</span><br /><br />but most importantly; Ranelagh, FUCK YEAH. FREEDOM!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"<br />Cause I have other things to fill my time<br />You take what is yours and I'll take mine<br />Now let me at the truth<br />Which will refresh my broken mind"</span><br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fNy8llTLvuA?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fNy8llTLvuA?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-6739328319707290472010-09-02T16:06:00.000-07:002010-09-03T00:48:40.725-07:00<span style="font-style:italic;">"Oh if I could kidnap that feeling,the one that melts all this from your mind.I'd make no demands, no ransom.'Cos I'd never set it free"</span><br /><br />This is the first free time I've had since I got back from the Gathering. it's the nerdiest thing I've ever done.Grown adults dressing up and fighting with swords, sounds nuts?it is, think I'm crazy for doing it? so do I, think it's unbelievably weird? me too.<br /><br />Best weekend of my life? BOOM!<br /><br />I met the nicest people,strangers I met on the ferry loaned me about 50 quids worth of stuff just because I was new,any time we went looking at gear people were happy to pay for it or give me gear instead, why? Because weird ass gamer/internet freaks are the nicest,kindest human beings I've ever met and guess what I'm darn proud to be one of them.<br /><br />[Note:wow,it really is no surprise why I'm single,damn you nerddom!]<br /><br />The downside,I made the mistake of giving a rough description of what I was at to my folks, basically said I was swordfighting for the weekend.The response? Laughed at and called a nut by my old man.<br /><br />So,life is good overall.I'm almost free[5 days!!] I know what I like,I dodge the ridicule for doing it,I've people who don't care what I've come from,just who I am.I get to be me,not what I feel I have to be,that whole "Square peg,round hole" situation is coming to an end.<br /><br />So o everyone who's given me so much shit;HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCH!<br /><br />Life,for now is good.No to sleep,in my awesome new flat in Dublin \o/<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qa0SPxOWrkY?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qa0SPxOWrkY?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-84558152989804028932010-08-20T21:39:00.001-07:002010-08-21T03:34:57.860-07:00What's wrong with me?Here I am, 6 in the morning.Just got home from my first night out in almost 3 months and the guilt is killing me.I slipped,just for a moment, said yes to people I really shouldn't know any more,people I'm not safe around any more.<br /><br />I drank,I smoked,I got high, I fucked up.I'm feeling like such a fucked up little boy right now,I guess that's what I am deep down.Everything else is just a cover to get by, a smile for the cameras.Why can't I let myself relax?<br /><br />I mean,maybe I'm wrong,maybe I have it all mixed up.But can't an 18 year old guy just go out and have a few drinks with some old friends?Hell no,I always do this,if I get the chance I jump at the escape,drink too much and come home more of a failure than when I left.<br /><br />I'm tired of it all,I can't do this any more.I need to get away from this place,these people, it's all just too poisonous to be around.<br /><br />Damn it life,I just want to be happy,why is that never an option? Everyone around me is moving on and enjoying their lives,why can't I just have that? is it really too much to ask for? Apparently so.RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-17392036263192591682010-08-16T14:10:00.000-07:002010-08-16T14:59:20.137-07:00The Layer Cake*Gets up on my Soapbox*<br /><br />This is one of the few life lessons I learned from a really young age.The best thing you can do for people is stomach their bullshit.I know I'm cynical about a lot of things.<br /><br />But Something has become abundantly clear in the last few days[long story]It's not the problem, it's the people.<br /><br />If you're reading this I want to make something abundantly clear.I will always[good or bad mood,even if we're arguing,even if we haven't spoken in a long time,even if you don't think I want to hear it] listen to you,day or night, good or bad.<br /><br />I know I can be a bit of a douche sometimes[I'm trying to fix that] but I do care,far too much for my own good and just enough for everyone else<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XnUUuPUmq6w?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XnUUuPUmq6w?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-422563953717838282010-08-13T14:46:00.000-07:002010-08-13T15:11:31.867-07:00YATTA!!This has been the longest/hardest summer of my life.I went back to that place I swore I'd never go again,I ended up feeling like I said I never would again.I said things I'll <span style="font-style:italic;">always</span> regret<br /><br />But things will be different.I've plans for this year,the first long[ish] term plans I've made in years.I've plans for me,I'm going to change,I have to get my head together and get back to being a "normal" human being again.Time to grab life by the short and curlies, then show it who's boss.This angsty whingey bullshit does no good for anyone.<br /><br />This year I have to:<br /><br />Do a damn good job on committee;I'll be remembered for doing something<br /><br />Get my damn Degree sorted out;I'll have something to show I'm not a failure<br /><br />Spend more time with people who are worth it;you know who you are<br /><br />Trust someone and put yourself out there;get a girlfriend,it's okay to let people in Alan,not everyone's a Douchebag learn that SOON DAMMIT!<br /><br />Stop hiding who you are; Fuck the haters and stop taking people's crap<br /><br />Calm down and enjoy life;you've a lifetime to live it,don't be in such a rush all the time<br /><br />Blog when you're happy, this place must be mighty depressing now<br /><br />Buy yourself nice things, you can have good stuff it's okay<br /><br />BE HAPPY!!! and stop looking for ways to ruin it or feel guilty about it<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/H-JGAKCNuKw?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/H-JGAKCNuKw?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />P.S: refering to yourself in the third person is weird,don't do itRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-77998080746481643632010-08-10T12:48:00.000-07:002010-08-10T12:51:57.164-07:00Dead cat bounce<span style="font-style:italic;">" A financial term,refering to a speculative rise in price possibly preluding an increased drop in overall market share.Refers to the adage "Even a Dead cat can bounce""</span><br /><br />Well, here I am,bouncing.<br /><br />YUS!! fancy free and footloose.If only for today,then so be it.At least I have today.<br /><br />[and probably tomorrow,I'm going to Dublin \o/]<br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wkC5OaL-4gQ&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wkC5OaL-4gQ&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-75599377305511049992010-08-09T15:54:00.000-07:002010-08-09T16:30:56.670-07:00Turn it off,nah fuck it, turn it onWell, as most of you know <a href="http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=67362665&postcount=13428">Today was a bad day</a><br />But that's not what this is about.I did something yesterday I said I'd never do with this; I reread and deleted a blog post.Why? because I changed my mind about talking about it,well screw second guessing myself.Here's the gist of it;<br /><br />Self harm;most people think of cuts on the wrist or destrcutive behaviour with drugs or alchohol.Well, I call that bullshit.I've never mentioned this before,mainly because it doesn't matter any more.I say I can relate to a lot of peoples problems in comments/on boards,I'm not making this up people.You name it,I've done it. There's a whole week from '08 and another in '09 that I can't remember,but I've heard stories.There's scars on my arm/back/leg from a razor,there's that lovely extra bit on my chin[you'll never see it] from when I used to eat so much.<br /><br />I learned something about the whole self harming thing,it's easy.Hate me all you want for saying it,but it's my experience of it.You think some cuts and a few drops of blood from a razor is pain?Try having a hand clamped in a vice or a finger in a vice grip or a fist in barbed wire.Pain is an "escape" no it's not,for me anyway it's a minor inconvienence in life.The same goes for drinking,that little bit of haze in your vision that blurs problems as well,it's not worth the money.<br /><br />I know your judging me on this,go right ahead.You want <span style="font-style:italic;">real pain</span> then go for the scars that no one will see.Nothing hurts like people,being a failure,messing up.Pushing people you love away.having someone who understands you and can kiss it all away,then using their heart to break yours.That's pain and no plaster can fix it,no detox to clear it out.<br />Stewing in your own private hell,when no one knows your there.No escape,no happy haze,no hopeful stupor,no bleeding out the pain.Just sitting there,staring into nothing running it over and over to yourself.<br /><br />What hurts the most? This:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/09_04/smileDM2409_468x349.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 468px; height: 349px;" src="http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/09_04/smileDM2409_468x349.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Maybe I'm different[hell,there's no maybe] but dangling hope just out of reach is what gets you,only then do you take that leap of faith.<br /><br />Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to the bottom,no escape,no breaks,no coming up for air.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"This to shall pass"</span> but until then,enjoy the ride.<br /><br />Well,that was a lovely happy post wasn't it?Sorry if it hurt, I needed to say it.<br /><br />and to be clear;I'm not suicidal or physically hurting myself any more.I've realised there's worse things in life,I'm every one of them.<br /><br />Now that the oh-so-whiney,oh-so-pontless morbid crap is out of the way.Time to swallow hard and get on with it,because guess what sunshine?It's all well and good wondering and dreaming and hoping,none of that pays the bills,that won't get me a degree.<br /><br />Life's a bitch like that ain't it?<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"You take that pain,you ball in up good and tight,then you cram it down with some more pain and never think of it again"</span><br /><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-ckcsFZx-xA&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-ckcsFZx-xA&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-55933855640804956922010-08-09T06:23:00.000-07:002010-08-09T06:27:20.063-07:00Run to the hills..This is me hitting bottom.<br /><br />My advice for everyone else:<br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eDd-GXkMrJs&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eDd-GXkMrJs&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-66411128164375698462010-08-01T08:15:00.000-07:002010-08-01T08:58:59.068-07:00Little Lion Man<i>"Weep for yourself my man,you'll never be what is in your heart"</i><br /><i>"Weep Little Lion Man,you're not as brave as you were at the start"</i><br /><br />I spend all my time writing this blog and I've never read it,hell half the time I don't even read the words on the screen as I write them[WOO! touch typing].I'm not going to lie,I'm afraid to,I'm afraid to see "what is in my heart" I don't want to see what it's like as a whole,what this makes me seem like.I'll only get defensive and change it or it'll become a conscious thing.Just thinking about it,I'm consciously trying to dilute down what must be a deluge of whingey angsty crap.So I weep for myself,I'll never be what I think I am,but thinking of me as something different,something better is as close as I'll get.<br /><br /><i>"Rate yourself and Rape yourself,take all the courage you have left"</i><br /><i>"Wasted on fixing all the problems you made in your own head"</i><br /><br />That's me size myself up,set myself up,just to be able to knock it down again.I wish I could convince my family,I'm not lazy dumb or useless,it just take all my effort and attention to force myself into what little they see me as,trying to keep my own head fixed enough to work is a full time job,especially with a full time job :/<br /><br />/self indulgent blog<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lLJf9qJHR3E&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lLJf9qJHR3E&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-81251392018760745922010-07-31T14:38:00.000-07:002010-07-31T15:10:28.093-07:00/o\Reverse Elf-Face :(<br /><br />I genuinely am starting to hate my own family,I hate that I ahve to say that,but it's how I feel.<br /><br />We all have this thing[a complex of some sort I guess] where we're always right,I'm painting myself with that brush as well,I assume I'm right most of the time.One thing I don't do and don't have in common with them is;I don't rub it in peoples' faces.<br /><br />Househunting;I'm saving a good 300 quid a month on last year,but it's not good enough,the places my sister finds are perfect,despite being smaller,shared and further away.But she's right and I'm wrong,why? because that's how it is,thats the way our world works,all the shit lands on the little guy.Apparently,I'm a judgemental ass because I think a spoiled friend of mine is spoiled,I've known the guy for a year,I have a fairly good impression of him and I don't judge people.Why is it a bad thing? He's a funny guy,good to be around,but a spoiled ass,it's who he is.Why am I being judged for having an opinion?<br /><br />I hate all this whining and moaning I do,but FFS Can I have an opinion or a decision?Would it kill everyone to let me go and live for once?<br /><br />Maybe all I want is to be a bum and have fun with my mates,can I not make that decision?Or can I make the choices as long as I get where you want me to end up?<br /><br /><i>"I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be,so I'm lying my way from you"</i><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rnj1ir_mK4I&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rnj1ir_mK4I&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-75464682745579351742010-07-30T17:21:00.001-07:002010-07-30T17:40:50.742-07:00\o/Slight change of pace for once,HAPPEH BLOGGING!<br /><br />yesterday was the best day of my summer so far,today was pretty awesome to boot.<br />Why?<br />No real reason,lots of little things;<br />I left my ipod behind when I changed busses,the driver waited for 10 mintues and helped me look for it,great guy.<br />I had a decent bit of sleep yesterday for the first time in months[half of it was on a 4 and a half hour bus trip but still]<br />I slept through a very long bus trip,<br />I got eddie rockets [seriously,vanilla malts beat any drug ever.I know I'm so cool with my milkshakes]<br />House hunting is going pretty well,after douchey lanlords and cancellations an awesome house that fits perfectly has opened up,here's hoping we get it.<br />And an evening of "How I met your Mother" and some great laughs with my[newly realised] best friend.<br />Met a lovely stranger with a great taste in music on the luas[ Ark's <3]<br /><br /><br />So,if only for a day or two,things are coming up roses for now.It's nice for things to ease off for a moment<br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LanCLS_hIo4&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LanCLS_hIo4&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><b> "'Cos every little thing,is gonna be alright."</b><br />If only for now,I believe itRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-25686097583575596022010-07-27T15:06:00.000-07:002010-07-27T15:55:40.202-07:00I could really use a wish right now..<b>***WARNING contains epic moany whining***</b><br /><br />Dear God/Alanis Morrisette/Morgan Freeman/Cuck/Whoever,<br />WHAT THE FUCK?Why me? what did I do to get this?I understand life throws you curveballs sometimes,it keeps you on your feet,let's you scale things,keep things in perspective.<br /><br />I don't need perspective,I have far,far too much of it at this stage.The more I think about it the more I see the bad stuff.There's that thin veil of happiness on top,why can't that be all I see?<br /><br />Most people have twists and turns in life,some bullying,some depression,some little accident when they were young that still effects them,some problems at home maybe or just a little bit of an odd background.<br /><br />Why did I end up with the whole bunch?Why am I nice?Why do I bother any more?<br />Name a problem I've had it or grew up near it.I wish I was exaggerating,I wish I was trying to sound cool,I wish I was posing and being all moody,I wish I could just stop and say it was all made up,it's not.<br /><br />I wish my brother wasn't an alchoholic;<br />I wish he never hit me as a kid;<br />I wish I wasn't the fat kid people made fun of;<br />I wish I didn't eat all the more because of it;<br />I wish dad didn't fight with them almost every day;<br />I wish we had money;<br />I wish I could qualify for a grant or something;<br />I wish they understood,just because the money comes in,it goes right out again;<br />I wish they cared about family more than work;<br />I wish they didn't kill themselves;<br />I wish I had parents instead of bosses;<br />I wish they could let me get my own job and leave;<br />I wish he didn't prove that I rely on them for everything financial;<br />I wish I could rely on them for anything else;<br />I wish he never called me stupid/slow/useless/a waste of space/the worst one;<br />I wish I had gone through with what I had planned out,let someone else clean up the mess;<br />I wish I could wake up and not be sad;<br />I wish summer was nice and normal like everyone else's,not a living hell;<br />I wish I didn't have to force myself to get up,to hold on a bit longer;<br />I wish I didn't have to work all day to have what most people get handed to them;<br />I wish I had a choice in the matter;<br />I wish I had an opinion that wasn't always wrong;<br />I wish they were proud;<br />I wish I was proud;<br />I wish people could see the scars;<br />I wish they'd heal;<br />I wish I didn't have to care;<br />I wish I didn't have to help;<br />I wish I didn't notice anyone else's problems;<br />I wish I was anyone else;<br />I wish she'd feel the same;<br />I wish I didn't have hopes,you can't shatter what isn't there;<br />I wish there was someone else who could do it;<br />I wish I was normal,is that so much to ask?<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kn6-c223DUU&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kn6-c223DUU&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><i>"I could really use a wish right now"</i><br />It could be worse I guess,Still alive,anything else is a bonus,somehow.<br /><br />Hi,I'm Alan,probably the most fucked up human being you'll ever come across.I'm not made up,I'm not going anywhere,I'm not giving up,I'm not sure why.<br /><br /><i>"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?<br />That's alright,because I like the way it hurst<br />Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?<br />That's alright...."</i><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/n3N_Lkgftc4&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/n3N_Lkgftc4&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><b><i>"As I say this to you tonight,let us not forget.There is hope"</i></b>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-7233963008617466392010-07-23T15:02:00.000-07:002010-07-23T15:26:37.798-07:00Time is everything,it's everythingSo,today was a bad day,well "worse" I suppose.Same as every day,but worse somehow.<br /><br />On the upside;I sort of mentioned in passing me being depressed to my parents[it took a bit longer than usual to make myself get up for the day]<br />On the downside;their reaction was,basically,:<br />"well go to the doctor and get it fixed,in the mean time we have this, this and this to get done today so shape up"<br /><br /><i>"Please someone help me,I'm dying here in front of you"</i><br /><br />I can't say I didn't see it coming,it's how they are with everything,lip service and just get the hell on with it.<br /><br /><i>"We'll start a fire and burn some bridges"</i><br /><br />What's the point?Why do I bother?This family died 5 years ago,why can't I just walk the hell away?.I know this sounds terrible but it's easier when we don't talk at all,hurray for WANTING a more fucked up life.The biggest thing I like about this place is my dog,how sad is that? I mean <i>really</i><br /><br />I know I said I didn't want to be such a whiney bitch,I don't like how this blog makes me come across,but I'm holding on by fingertips here.So,I'ma be a whiney teenbag until I can be sane again..<br /><br />one more month.....<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LfzwQdOxtPk&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LfzwQdOxtPk&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-11999645103129682282010-07-22T15:39:00.000-07:002010-07-22T15:59:10.474-07:00On MusicMusic is a big part of my life.It's my drug,even working around home I have an iPod in my pocket and although it causes an argument with dad half the time.I NEED to have a beat in my ear,it gets me through the day.<br /><br />I know that sounds kind of sad,but it's true.A rhythm to focus on and to keep me focussed or distracted I'm not sure which,but my mind wanders less and that's a really good thing for me right now.It's probably why I have such a soft spot for drum and bass music,it's clean "pure" if you want to sound all emo and junk.No words,no real meaning to get you going,just straight music to do with it what you will,every time I listen to it it could mean something different,feel that bit different.<br /><br />For me,it's mood manipulation as well,the autoplay song on this blog [that you all hated so much >.>] always calms me down and puts a smile on my face.I have no idea why,something about Iz singing somewhere over a rainbow makes me think of a happier place.It sort of works both ways,certain songs make me feel pissed off, or rather brings it to the surface, "killing in the name of" for one,maybe not angry but not taking any shit kind of mood.Or motivational,just by the way it sounds,in general it's more about the sound than the lyrics;<br />"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen[and various others] is all about sex,but it always seems so sad to my mind.<br /><br />In a way it always seems to say things better than I can,most of these posts have a song attached,it usually sums it up for me,whether it's just a lyric that stands out for me or the "mood" of the song fits, in my head anyway<br /><br />Well,that's enough of my craziness for one rambly blog post,makes a nice change from the whingey teenage dirtbag[;)] tripe I normally spew out,so I'll leave it with generic worky type music;<br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TLCWrSNNXqU&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TLCWrSNNXqU&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />So;on a scale of 1-Bruno how Ghey is this topic idea thingy anyway?RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-35651202116788546572010-07-22T15:31:00.000-07:002010-07-22T15:36:54.626-07:00On the road again...I like this whole "30 days" thing.It's nice having a topic to write about and let's face it I don't HAVE a life to blog about,so here's an Idea I came up with a couple of weeks ago:<br />Topical Blogging, kind of like LC English all over again *shudders*<br /><br />Pick a topic,write about it.SIMPLES!<br />it's going to be;<br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FKSdPfucDQA&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FKSdPfucDQA&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />I may like How I met your mother a tad too much :DRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-47166293589325720642010-07-21T14:23:00.000-07:002010-07-21T14:43:32.255-07:00[1,6.9]<b>#1 — Your Best Friend</b><br /><br />Sort your shit out so we can get a house already,I really need to get out of here and it's such a great excuse.I hope your having an awesome summer<br /><br /><b>#6 — A stranger</b><br /><br />The back of yo' head is ridikulas and you may or may not be hot/strange looking,I doubt I noticed you otherwise.But Hi anyway and have a good day/night/life<br /><br /><b>#9 — Someone you wish you could meet</b><br /><br />Phillip DeFranco,one of the most subscribed YouTubers ever and a pretty funny guy.I'd just like to know what he's like in person.He's a good bit of my inspiration for this blog and has an amazing lige I'm stupidly jealous of,his job is to talk crap to a camera at home,play and review video games and pimp out his friends to the internet.How fucking great of a job is that?<br /><br />aaaand that's 30.now what?<br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eVTXPUF4Oz4&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eVTXPUF4Oz4&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-61441676761005109782010-07-20T14:03:00.000-07:002010-07-20T14:56:04.716-07:00[10,14,21]<b>#10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to</b><br /><br />There's far too many people that this goes out to.I've met so many people I'd love to get to know better,but life just doesn't work like that.I kind of prefer to keep moving between people or I'm just greedy,I don't know what it is,but I want to fit so much time in with so many people it never works out like that for anyone.But there's one person that springs to mind;<br /><br />We really should hang out more man.The bit we have spent together we got on ridiculously well and you get my taste in music [as well as the nerdiness,you'd be amazed how rarely the two of those go together]<br /><br /><b>#14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from</b><br /><br />We used to be like two halves of the same person.When exactly did that end? It' still pretty similar when we do hang out ,as rare as that is.We have to change that some time soon.<br /><br /><b>#21 — Someone you judged by their first impression</b><br />I was so wrong about you. Best mistake I've ever made tbh.RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-17048163970012701882010-07-19T16:29:00.000-07:002010-07-20T14:03:29.409-07:00[5,23,28]<b># 5 — Your dreams</b><br /><br />Can you sort yourself out please?The whole "I want to be happy" thing is a bit shite,I know what/who/where I DON'T want to be,but that still leaves a big ass target to hit.It'd be nice to have some sort of discernable place to aim for/a way to get there,I can figure those out pretty well.<br /><br />Sleepy-type dream;Stop being so messed up,I get the whole subconscious thing for dreams.Why don't I ever remember you,like at all?And why are you never good? I want the flying one or one with blackjack and hookers,actually screw the blackjack.I don't sleep well anyway,you could at least entertain me when I am asleep,be more like daydreams,those things are awesome.They really help me get through the day.<br /><br /><b># 23 — The last person you kissed</b><br /><br />Was actually a dude,I'm staright,but I was rather drunk and was dared in a game of kings [I <i>NEVER</i> pass up a challenge] so yeah,awkward one this.I'd rather not go into details as I can't quite remember.But kind of bad timing on this one I guess :/<br /><br /><b># 28 — Someone that changed your life</b><br /><br />Thanks for being in my life,you showed me there's worse things in he world and that I'm not alone in all this shit.You aren't either,don't forget that. you're so positive and get my douchebaggy sense of humour.Try and keep your ridikulas head in line though mmkay? don't do anything I might regret.<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YtdWHFwmd2o&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YtdWHFwmd2o&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-55678279573491423612010-07-17T16:20:00.000-07:002010-07-17T17:08:29.653-07:00[3,20,29,30]<b> 3 — Your parents</b><br /><br />Honestly guys,are you happy like this? I mean,you hardly talk,even less to me.The little you do manage is just small talk.I don't want anything from you,I gave up my expectations of you a long time ago.I would just like to see you happy is all,you deserve some of that after everything.It's not going to be coming form me,you've made that abundantly clear,but life is about the Up's the downs are only to keep everything in focus,don't let that confuse you.<br /><br /><b> 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest</b><br /><br />I've never really had my heart broken, as much of a big softy as I am and as easily I tend to fall for someone, I never really open up enough to get properly hurt or heart broken as much as I've opened up in recent years,I still can't let people fully "know me",it's a problem I have,it's getting better [with a huge thanks to this blog tbh] but now I guess I need someone to let in before I can get hurt,someone to see more than just one or two sides of me.<br /><br /><b> 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to</b><br /><br />You have no idea how truly beautiful you are on the inside and the outside.Don't change,just being you is all you'll ever need.<br /><br /><b> 30 — Your reflection in the mirror</b><br /><br />This probably the hardest one of these I'll write.Me facing myself in the mirror is one of those things that changes far too often.One day it's smiling and thinking of something funny,another day it might be frowning at the ridiculous amount of imperfections my skin has or how unfit I look.Sometimes I have to convince myself to just make it through the day,some days I'm asking why I even bother.Sadly,my attitude towards myself isn't that great most of the time,I guess something should change that,but it's always been like this<br /><br />So,the best thing I could say to myself;"Dude,get your life together,the way things stand you're pretty pathetic;no girl,no car,no job,no goals,no life,no prospects.Seriously,hop to it man.<br /><br />Is this what everyone else sees?<br /><br /><i>"I'm starting with the man in the mirror,<br />I'm asking him to change his ways,<br />And no message could've been any clearer,<br />if you want to make the world a better place,<br />take a look at yourself and make the change"</i><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/oLXYiF_BdAs&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/oLXYiF_BdAs&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>RandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-30021110668517174262010-07-16T15:18:00.000-07:002010-07-16T15:38:42.781-07:00[26, 13, 22, 24]<b># 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to</b><br /><br />How Gay was that? seriously,how'd you talk me into it?<br /><br /><b># 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you</b><br /><br />I don't really have anyone I want to forgive me,In general I know when I fuck things up and apologise soon afterwards,so I guess understanding is all I want from some people,not forgiveness. <br /><br /><b># 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to</b><br /><br />This is much more than your second chance,cop the fuck on.Next time,I'm not coming back.<br /><br /><b># 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory</b><br /><br />I don't really have a favourite memory,I don't have a "go to" memory that can bring a smile to my face.<br />The happiest memory I have in the last while is from a party I was at earlier this year,I was talking to this girl and we just clicked so well.I remember we ended up just holding each other on the couch all night,talking crap and just having a laugh.Nothing happened and I just felt like someone liked me for me,without knowing how fucked up I am,just me as a person.It was nice.<br /><br /><i>Note to self: WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HER OUT!!!</i><br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s1tAYmMjLdY&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s1tAYmMjLdY&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />I'm so going to recycle this song some day.The SMELL of angst likeRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4617470625873639959.post-75431733361727691402010-07-13T07:36:00.000-07:002010-07-13T07:58:03.350-07:00aaaand we're back[2,7,19,27]For now at least<br /><br /><b># 2 — Your Crush</b><br /><br />Why do I get the feeling we're drifting apart? I hope it's the same between us next time I see you.You are just awesome and amaze me the more I get to know you.Also, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE!?seriously,you can't be funny,hot AND single,there's always a catch[....are you a dude? >.> <.< :D]<br /><br /><b># 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush</b><br /><br />I'm so,so sorry for what I said.I did mean it at the time,but I shouldn't have said it,it didn't make a difference.I wasn't in a great place and I was[am?] a horrible,horrible person on the inside,why couldn't you stay away? Why did I have to hurt you?I hope you're okay and thanks for having low standards ;)<br /><br /><b># 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad</b><br /><br />Good-Why are you in my head? I barely know you.Thanks for bringing a smile to my face<br /><br />Bad-I'm sorry it has to be this way,I don't want to do this to you.But you don't change and something has to.I guess I'll take the fall again this time<br /><br /><b># 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day</b><br /><br />Hopefully,I'll change the "for only one day" bit.You weren't the friendliest person I've ever met,but for a single use friend,you had an effect. Thank for the pimp-speak,everyone hates it.But remember,I let you win,because you were funny and I regret nothing<br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/J0R_V1RkSDY&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/J0R_V1RkSDY&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />This is so much better than the original IMO and I can't figure whyRandomGenerichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13842643306874308035noreply@blogger.com0