Well, as most of you know Today was a bad day
But that's not what this is about.I did something yesterday I said I'd never do with this; I reread and deleted a blog post.Why? because I changed my mind about talking about it,well screw second guessing myself.Here's the gist of it;
Self harm;most people think of cuts on the wrist or destrcutive behaviour with drugs or alchohol.Well, I call that bullshit.I've never mentioned this before,mainly because it doesn't matter any more.I say I can relate to a lot of peoples problems in comments/on boards,I'm not making this up people.You name it,I've done it. There's a whole week from '08 and another in '09 that I can't remember,but I've heard stories.There's scars on my arm/back/leg from a razor,there's that lovely extra bit on my chin[you'll never see it] from when I used to eat so much.
I learned something about the whole self harming thing,it's easy.Hate me all you want for saying it,but it's my experience of it.You think some cuts and a few drops of blood from a razor is pain?Try having a hand clamped in a vice or a finger in a vice grip or a fist in barbed wire.Pain is an "escape" no it's not,for me anyway it's a minor inconvienence in life.The same goes for drinking,that little bit of haze in your vision that blurs problems as well,it's not worth the money.
I know your judging me on this,go right ahead.You want real pain then go for the scars that no one will see.Nothing hurts like people,being a failure,messing up.Pushing people you love away.having someone who understands you and can kiss it all away,then using their heart to break yours.That's pain and no plaster can fix it,no detox to clear it out.
Stewing in your own private hell,when no one knows your there.No escape,no happy haze,no hopeful stupor,no bleeding out the pain.Just sitting there,staring into nothing running it over and over to yourself.
What hurts the most? This:
Maybe I'm different[hell,there's no maybe] but dangling hope just out of reach is what gets you,only then do you take that leap of faith.
Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to the bottom,no escape,no breaks,no coming up for air.
"This to shall pass" but until then,enjoy the ride.
Well,that was a lovely happy post wasn't it?Sorry if it hurt, I needed to say it.
and to be clear;I'm not suicidal or physically hurting myself any more.I've realised there's worse things in life,I'm every one of them.
Now that the oh-so-whiney,oh-so-pontless morbid crap is out of the way.Time to swallow hard and get on with it,because guess what sunshine?It's all well and good wondering and dreaming and hoping,none of that pays the bills,that won't get me a degree.
Life's a bitch like that ain't it?
"You take that pain,you ball in up good and tight,then you cram it down with some more pain and never think of it again"
First blog post
1 year ago