Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I promised I would

So,things have happened.
First of all the girl of my dreams and this blog and I finally got together.As cheesey as it sounds we were both into each other but due to a load of silly little things we never got together until now.
And after some nudging from her I reread this blog,only in part, and found a list of plans I made for this year.Ironically the entire thing came into being except one,to blog about the happier things as they happen.Well here I am now.

I grew up a lot in the last few months,that long hard summer really got me out of my shell,I kind of feel like this is the "me" I've been missing all these years,that guy who was caught up in all his problems instead of just being awesome.

So,yeah life got shit for a long time,now it's gotten much better and its going to stay that way,so help me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

What's wrong with me now

I can't vent to people around right now for fear of what I'd say sogood ol' blog to the rescue;

There's a high chance that one of my parents can/will die very shortly and it's making me take a look at things,
I'm 19 tomorrow and it's exactly the same as last year.I'm still single,I'm still failing college,I'm still failing my family and no matter how hard I try I can't break this cycle of crap.
To make a bad situation worse;I'm in love with my best friend,I had a thing for her before but managed to just stow that away and hide it,but I can't do it any more,it's killing me.The best part;she confided in a friend that we would have got together months ago if her current boyfriend hadn't beat me to it.So she's still with him,she doesn't like him any more,but won't break up with him because; he's far away and thinks things are okay,her friends like him and once upon a time she liked him.So not only do I have a thing for her,I'm trying to help her sort out her head and watching her in an unhappy relationship,it's breaking my heart.
Me being the big ghey that I am can't help but feel guilty for trying to break them up,I think it's the best thing for the both of them, or am I just being selfish?I'm not sure if I've convinced myself it's the right thing or it actually is the right thing to do.
That along with a chat I had with a friend who's worrying if his other half will leave him drummed up a lot of old feelings I thought were dead and buried.The old self hatred came out again and I can't help but feel like I'm just dragging everyone around me down and the facts of my life;
I can't be happy,it's just not on the cards for me
I can't be loved,I'm far to messed up to subject a girl to me,it's torture and plain unfair[which really helps with the friend situation]
Good old hero complex again,if I can't be happy.I'll live a life that might improve that of those around me,which I'm failing at and doing more harm than good.

And to top it all off,the committee's I'm on are calling me a traitor and a failure because I've other things going on in my life.Just once I'd like to be normal,the steaming pile of crap that is my life,it's my burden to bear but I'm just normal enough to want what everyone else wants,but messed up enough not to have it.

Fuck my life,does anyone want it?I'm tired of it right now.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Just being nice

I've somewhat resigned myself to what I want in life lately.

I get that I'm going to be single for a long time,people that know me agree I shouldn't be and am the nicest most genuinely awesome person ever,but that doesn't matter to people if you don't come across as attractive[I say that with no arrogance or ego but it sounds otherwise]

Instead,I've started just making my corner of the world a bit brighter; A daily ompliment,welfare crew stuff, getting people to talk more about how they are feeling and the Pretty post-its thing I heard about is pretty fun.Put a post it around somewhere with a compliment written on it,it's a challenge to come up with them and finding where to put them, but hopefully someone who really needs it will find it

Also,cycling to Galway this weekend in aid of crumlin children's hospital which is going to be a challenge but it's for a good cause and hopefully I'll feel better about myself after.

That's pretty matter of fact but I'm really busy with everything.Odds are I'll be on here more in the coming weeks,the usual spring/birthday bout of depression is coming on,I just need to get around it for a week then it doesn't matter how I feel