Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Behind blue eyes

Do you ever wonder what goes on in other people's head?[yeah,I'm weird like that]

I always wonder about people around me,what do you think of me?

What do they see when they look at me?

I mean, I know what I'm like,but does anyone else see me the way I think I am?

Am I the way people think I am?

Sorry, for the confusion

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Life,the Universe and Everything

Man,I love that title < 3

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately [never a good thing] about the future,the past,stuff, things and whatchamacallit's

And I've found some stuff that helps and messes things up a lot.I've spotted what I'm really like[well as much as you can tell about yourself] from some situations I've been in and what I'm like when I'm at home.

I'm two completely different people, I know how crazy that sounds,you can put down the straightjacket.The simple explanation is that I have to be, I have to be quieter and just a "smaller" more timid kind of guy,it's what works and gets me by.I can put up with more of dad's crap and all the time I spend alone and how much I don't want to be like my friends[ Seriously,who does Cocaine on bonfire night FFS?] but I learned in college,that's not me,not the real me.

Real me is a pretty decent ordinary average kind of guy; a gamer,a nerd,a bit of a bollocks,but bearable to be around.There's only one problem with that guy,he hates being stuck in the same place all day, everyday,talking to no one,stuck in a boring routine with nothing to shake things up.He's not the guy to stay stuck in nowhere farming,but he's an assload happier.

I had a bit of an argument/venting session with dad a while back and he blurted out:"If you don't like working here then don't" that's not an option.For one thing in his opinon unless you work 12+ hours a day and get up by dawn you're a waster,so me not slaving around isn't going to happen.That and I can't watch an old crippled man hurt himself trying to keep this place running just to prove a point,I'm not wired to do it.SO my options seem to be throw it all there,break my parents hearts and ruin 4 generations of work or be happy and actually enjoy my life with people who genuinely care because of who I am,not because I happen to live near by. F M L

So yeah,I've started to dole out the crazy a bit more if you haven't noticed.I am [relatively] sane but spending nearly straight days on your own driving a tractor does strange things to my head

P.S: =42 :D

Friday, June 25, 2010

Somewhere I belong

"I had nothing to say and I get lost in the nothingness inside of me"

"I want to heal,I want to feel,what I thought was never real.I want to let go of this pain I felt so long.
I want to heal,I want to feel, like I'm close to something real.I want something I've wanted all along.Somewhere I belong"

"I will never know myself until I do this on my own and I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.I will never be anything 'till I break away from me,I will break away, I'll find myself"

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Back Home

III'mmmmmm BAAAaaaAAAck,well just for one.

I had an interesting conversation with Dad today.It's come up a bit lately that I don't work enough,which I can't really argue with.I could try harder,I won't deny that,but I really don't want to,I've been there where I put all my effort into the farm and every little sarcastiv remark he made,every little snide remark cut more than any razor ever could.So I'm going to lie in,I'm going to finish as early as I can,I'm not going to go out of my way to find stuff to do.Not because I'm lazy or because I'm not interested.But it's because I've seen what that leads to,nearly every man in my area is in a crappy dead end job and a [as horrible as this sounds] pretty crap marriage.

I know those are terrible things to say,it's not something I like to do,but one of the few things I want out of life is to die happy,not to have had a happy life.50 years from now,when I'm old and retired I want to be able to look around and see people I love as much as I did when I met them and have enjoyed what I did with my life,is that too much to ask?

There are loads of people around my are that "settle" in life,they never left,they never changed since they were kids,married someone they went to secondary school with,worked for someone who they met in the pub and maybe had a bit of a farm,because their parents did exactly the same.

If I'm honest,that's my hell.It's why I get out of bed in the morning,I'm going to get out of here,I'm going to live an awesome happy life,even if it's just dossing on the dole and hanging around with some friends for giggles,it's going to be MY choce dammit and I'm going to like it.

I like where I'm from,it's a beautiful place and it's where I grew up,it'll always be home,but It just doesn't really fit as well as I want it to :(

hurray for long ranty whinging!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I broke

I gave up, head down,mouth closed,just shut up and get stuck in.

I couldn't take all this crap any more,so I gave up and fell back into my old routine.Not seeing anyone,not really trying to see people,just going from A to B and starting the same again tomorrow.

I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while,I have nothing to post life is back to that lovely shade of grey it used to be.

three more months....

Sunday, June 6, 2010

so many people are blogging and posting about running away lately.I'm exactlly the opposite,I want to run back.

my life as it stand right now;
7.30/8 wake up,check my e-mail and facebook,bit of boards.
9 have breakfast ready for dad when he comes back to the house and have some.
10-2 work,work long,work hard,but work.
2 food
3-7/8 work some more.
8-10 chill-facebook,blogs,boards
Monday-Sunday,June-September.two hours of free time a day,that's why they are called "Holidays"

I even overheard dad saying it to one of our neighbours"I have that lad killed working" okay,I agree.WHY DOES THAT NOT CHANGE ANYTHING?
I was thinking yesterday,I've been home for 2 weeks now.I've spoken to maybe 20 people in that fortnight only 4 of which were under 50 and that was over a week ago.
I'm a people person,not the centre of attention kind,but I need people around me.The biggest thing I loved about college was people.I'd spend hours[too many hours I guess] at the blob,just hanging out with Gamesoc.


I miss seeing people every day.The best I can manage now is at the weekend,even then I'm wrecked most of the time,after a days work,it's not easy to get up head out to a pub.That's the only option,I saw it a few days ago on the telly,the three highest concentrations of pubs in the country,was kilkelly,charlestown and ballyhaunis.
I'm smack in middle of all three,there is NOTHING apart from getting sh*tfaced at the weekends and very little interest in doing anything else.
I love my old friends,lots of good times.But no one around here has changed since they were 16,nearly everyone lives together in houses in either NUIG or ITSligo.They still hang out with the same people,just a different place.Hell half of them haven't made any new friends in College,the clique stay together and that's it.
I have to get out of this small town attitude,work and booze isn't a life I want.A Hardworking Alchoholic who's wife left him,is probably the coolest guy in the area.Am I the only one who disagrees with that thinking?

so yeah,whingey whiney moany blogging,

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What really matters

Awh snap! self-titled blog,this means business :D

so, I got my results for first year today.I fail 5/12 subjects.

That's one of the happiest moments in my life so far,I failed and I'm not suicidal.You literally have no idea how much that means to me.It's something I've worried about and wondered about for 5 years,it's such an inspiration for me.

F*CK you life,I can do this.

So,to give a bit of backstory; 5 years ago this summer,my brother got his results from college and he had failed first year.He said it to my parents and they were okay with it,dad made some of his usual smart comments and the day carried on.At some point[I was in school] they had an argument and Dad in usual fashion called him an idiot etc.I guess it was just too much,dad went off to get something in a nearby town[this was mid-morning] and when he got back no sign of Seamus.After a few hours of phone calls,they decided to get me out of school.They found him in the lake behind our farm,Life hasn't been the same since.

I'm bringing it up because today was the same day.I failed my exams,I regret nothing I lived more this year than any other time in my life.Yet still dad makes a point of calling me stupid,I can take that[most days] but god damn it man,you've lost 3 sons to suicide one of which was in exactly the same situation the day that he died.Will you ever learn? I don't know why I bother,people put up with less and have completely broken ties.Maybe I've issues and am blaming the wrong thing for my brothers,but being insulted daily can kind of mess up your head,no? god no,how could it ever be your lordships fault

I've thought of suicide,I've planned it,hell I even started walking to where I'd do it a few times.I was going to do exactly as my brother did,but he beat me to it.The same thing happened next time around,I had figured out how I'd go if I was going to and a brother beats me to the punch.Honestly,of all of us I always figured I was the weakest,I wasn't as determined as the rest of them,I wasn't as good at getting things done.Well,it's all on my shoulders now.

It'd be nice to have something to get up for in the mornings,apart from insults and regimental orders.Well,that's not the story now,maybe tomorrow or the next day or september

anywho that's probably messier than I wanted it be,but it'll do.

And for anyone having a hard time please:

P.S:I know I probably freak some of you out,but I don't have anyone to talk to most days so it's nice to get it all written down

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

killing me softly

I just want to go to bed,maybe tomorrow will be better.

I know what the solution is,I've tried it,it made things worse.

why do I stay in the middle of all this crap?