Here I am, 6 in the morning.Just got home from my first night out in almost 3 months and the guilt is killing me.I slipped,just for a moment, said yes to people I really shouldn't know any more,people I'm not safe around any more.
I drank,I smoked,I got high, I fucked up.I'm feeling like such a fucked up little boy right now,I guess that's what I am deep down.Everything else is just a cover to get by, a smile for the cameras.Why can't I let myself relax?
I mean,maybe I'm wrong,maybe I have it all mixed up.But can't an 18 year old guy just go out and have a few drinks with some old friends?Hell no,I always do this,if I get the chance I jump at the escape,drink too much and come home more of a failure than when I left.
I'm tired of it all,I can't do this any more.I need to get away from this place,these people, it's all just too poisonous to be around.
Damn it life,I just want to be happy,why is that never an option? Everyone around me is moving on and enjoying their lives,why can't I just have that? is it really too much to ask for? Apparently so.
This is one of the few life lessons I learned from a really young age.The best thing you can do for people is stomach their bullshit.I know I'm cynical about a lot of things.
But Something has become abundantly clear in the last few days[long story]It's not the problem, it's the people.
If you're reading this I want to make something abundantly clear.I will always[good or bad mood,even if we're arguing,even if we haven't spoken in a long time,even if you don't think I want to hear it] listen to you,day or night, good or bad.
I know I can be a bit of a douche sometimes[I'm trying to fix that] but I do care,far too much for my own good and just enough for everyone else
This has been the longest/hardest summer of my life.I went back to that place I swore I'd never go again,I ended up feeling like I said I never would again.I said things I'll always regret
But things will be different.I've plans for this year,the first long[ish] term plans I've made in years.I've plans for me,I'm going to change,I have to get my head together and get back to being a "normal" human being again.Time to grab life by the short and curlies, then show it who's boss.This angsty whingey bullshit does no good for anyone.
This year I have to:
Do a damn good job on committee;I'll be remembered for doing something
Get my damn Degree sorted out;I'll have something to show I'm not a failure
Spend more time with people who are worth it;you know who you are
Trust someone and put yourself out there;get a girlfriend,it's okay to let people in Alan,not everyone's a Douchebag learn that SOON DAMMIT!
Stop hiding who you are; Fuck the haters and stop taking people's crap
Calm down and enjoy life;you've a lifetime to live it,don't be in such a rush all the time
Blog when you're happy, this place must be mighty depressing now
Buy yourself nice things, you can have good stuff it's okay
BE HAPPY!!! and stop looking for ways to ruin it or feel guilty about it
P.S: refering to yourself in the third person is weird,don't do it
" A financial term,refering to a speculative rise in price possibly preluding an increased drop in overall market share.Refers to the adage "Even a Dead cat can bounce""
Well, here I am,bouncing.
YUS!! fancy free and footloose.If only for today,then so be it.At least I have today.
Well, as most of you know Today was a bad day But that's not what this is about.I did something yesterday I said I'd never do with this; I reread and deleted a blog post.Why? because I changed my mind about talking about it,well screw second guessing myself.Here's the gist of it;
Self harm;most people think of cuts on the wrist or destrcutive behaviour with drugs or alchohol.Well, I call that bullshit.I've never mentioned this before,mainly because it doesn't matter any more.I say I can relate to a lot of peoples problems in comments/on boards,I'm not making this up people.You name it,I've done it. There's a whole week from '08 and another in '09 that I can't remember,but I've heard stories.There's scars on my arm/back/leg from a razor,there's that lovely extra bit on my chin[you'll never see it] from when I used to eat so much.
I learned something about the whole self harming thing,it's easy.Hate me all you want for saying it,but it's my experience of it.You think some cuts and a few drops of blood from a razor is pain?Try having a hand clamped in a vice or a finger in a vice grip or a fist in barbed wire.Pain is an "escape" no it's not,for me anyway it's a minor inconvienence in life.The same goes for drinking,that little bit of haze in your vision that blurs problems as well,it's not worth the money.
I know your judging me on this,go right ahead.You want real pain then go for the scars that no one will see.Nothing hurts like people,being a failure,messing up.Pushing people you love away.having someone who understands you and can kiss it all away,then using their heart to break yours.That's pain and no plaster can fix it,no detox to clear it out. Stewing in your own private hell,when no one knows your there.No escape,no happy haze,no hopeful stupor,no bleeding out the pain.Just sitting there,staring into nothing running it over and over to yourself.
What hurts the most? This:
Maybe I'm different[hell,there's no maybe] but dangling hope just out of reach is what gets you,only then do you take that leap of faith.
Ladies and gentlemen,welcome to the bottom,no escape,no breaks,no coming up for air.
"This to shall pass" but until then,enjoy the ride.
Well,that was a lovely happy post wasn't it?Sorry if it hurt, I needed to say it.
and to be clear;I'm not suicidal or physically hurting myself any more.I've realised there's worse things in life,I'm every one of them.
Now that the oh-so-whiney,oh-so-pontless morbid crap is out of the way.Time to swallow hard and get on with it,because guess what sunshine?It's all well and good wondering and dreaming and hoping,none of that pays the bills,that won't get me a degree.
Life's a bitch like that ain't it?
"You take that pain,you ball in up good and tight,then you cram it down with some more pain and never think of it again"
"Weep for yourself my man,you'll never be what is in your heart" "Weep Little Lion Man,you're not as brave as you were at the start"
I spend all my time writing this blog and I've never read it,hell half the time I don't even read the words on the screen as I write them[WOO! touch typing].I'm not going to lie,I'm afraid to,I'm afraid to see "what is in my heart" I don't want to see what it's like as a whole,what this makes me seem like.I'll only get defensive and change it or it'll become a conscious thing.Just thinking about it,I'm consciously trying to dilute down what must be a deluge of whingey angsty crap.So I weep for myself,I'll never be what I think I am,but thinking of me as something different,something better is as close as I'll get.
"Rate yourself and Rape yourself,take all the courage you have left" "Wasted on fixing all the problems you made in your own head"
That's me size myself up,set myself up,just to be able to knock it down again.I wish I could convince my family,I'm not lazy dumb or useless,it just take all my effort and attention to force myself into what little they see me as,trying to keep my own head fixed enough to work is a full time job,especially with a full time job :/
