Sunday, February 20, 2011

What's wrong with me now

I can't vent to people around right now for fear of what I'd say sogood ol' blog to the rescue;

There's a high chance that one of my parents can/will die very shortly and it's making me take a look at things,
I'm 19 tomorrow and it's exactly the same as last year.I'm still single,I'm still failing college,I'm still failing my family and no matter how hard I try I can't break this cycle of crap.
To make a bad situation worse;I'm in love with my best friend,I had a thing for her before but managed to just stow that away and hide it,but I can't do it any more,it's killing me.The best part;she confided in a friend that we would have got together months ago if her current boyfriend hadn't beat me to it.So she's still with him,she doesn't like him any more,but won't break up with him because; he's far away and thinks things are okay,her friends like him and once upon a time she liked him.So not only do I have a thing for her,I'm trying to help her sort out her head and watching her in an unhappy relationship,it's breaking my heart.
Me being the big ghey that I am can't help but feel guilty for trying to break them up,I think it's the best thing for the both of them, or am I just being selfish?I'm not sure if I've convinced myself it's the right thing or it actually is the right thing to do.
That along with a chat I had with a friend who's worrying if his other half will leave him drummed up a lot of old feelings I thought were dead and buried.The old self hatred came out again and I can't help but feel like I'm just dragging everyone around me down and the facts of my life;
I can't be happy,it's just not on the cards for me
I can't be loved,I'm far to messed up to subject a girl to me,it's torture and plain unfair[which really helps with the friend situation]
Good old hero complex again,if I can't be happy.I'll live a life that might improve that of those around me,which I'm failing at and doing more harm than good.

And to top it all off,the committee's I'm on are calling me a traitor and a failure because I've other things going on in my life.Just once I'd like to be normal,the steaming pile of crap that is my life,it's my burden to bear but I'm just normal enough to want what everyone else wants,but messed up enough not to have it.

Fuck my life,does anyone want it?I'm tired of it right now.