Thursday, July 8, 2010

A place for my head

"A heart full of pain,head full of stress,handful of anger,held in my chest"

Well,it's been a long few days.As of now,my plan is to grit my teeth and see if I can make a compromise at home so I can survive until college comes around.I've cemented one thing in my mind:The second I can stand on my own two feet and move out,I'll be gone like a dust cloud and not look back.

it's the little things that make a difference in life,like today mam rang to say I got my deposit back from college and Dad rang me to get the measurements of something in the shed.I walked out of the house and only for she stopped me,I would have taken the car just to get out of the place,the least you could do is try to talk to me or ask me how I'm feeling.The response I keep getting from my sister and mam is "he's 63,he's not going to change at some stage" well something has to,I'll admit i'm not completely innocent here,I should probably do more,but it shouldn't get to the stage where I have to leave home to get my point across and even then they show no interest,What kind of shitty ass parents are you? Something is wrong when I have to try and fix this relationship.Where were you when I failed first year?Calling me a useless failure,What did you do when I came home at the weekend? Told me what work to do and sent me on the bus,not once was I asked how things were going.

What kills me the most is how good I am[I don't mean that arrogantly] but after years of being told I'm stupid/useless whatever.I can still say I'm not;I'm a decent guy,I try and help people where I can,I don't drink every chance I get,I'm not heavily into drugs,I don't abuse myself or my parents,I work hard at home,I worked hard in college,I failed and picked myself up and got on with it,I've been smacked around by a drunk brother,I've been thrown out of my own bed in the middle of the night as a kid,I've had things thrown across the room at me by my brother,I've lost half my family and I'm only 18 and still[relatively] normal.To be blunt and hurtful[it's not my intent] people have turned to drugs and killed themselves over things as small as exam results or a boy/girlfriend dumping them.

Would it kill you to acknowledge that,just once?It's killing me when you don't.I'm your son,not your slave.

"I wanna be in energy,not with the enemy.A place for my head"


I understand if you don't particularly want to read this,but I need to say it,it's what this blog is for I guess,saying what I have to,I don't really expect anyone to listen

3 comments:

  1. I'm listening.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What Grace said.

    Get it all out. <3 for your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What Grace said, and Sinéad seconded, I third.

    Keep blogging. You are all kinds of brave, and strong.

    ReplyDelete