Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I could really use a wish right now..

***WARNING contains epic moany whining***

Dear God/Alanis Morrisette/Morgan Freeman/Cuck/Whoever,
WHAT THE FUCK?Why me? what did I do to get this?I understand life throws you curveballs sometimes,it keeps you on your feet,let's you scale things,keep things in perspective.

I don't need perspective,I have far,far too much of it at this stage.The more I think about it the more I see the bad stuff.There's that thin veil of happiness on top,why can't that be all I see?

Most people have twists and turns in life,some bullying,some depression,some little accident when they were young that still effects them,some problems at home maybe or just a little bit of an odd background.

Why did I end up with the whole bunch?Why am I nice?Why do I bother any more?
Name a problem I've had it or grew up near it.I wish I was exaggerating,I wish I was trying to sound cool,I wish I was posing and being all moody,I wish I could just stop and say it was all made up,it's not.

I wish my brother wasn't an alchoholic;
I wish he never hit me as a kid;
I wish I wasn't the fat kid people made fun of;
I wish I didn't eat all the more because of it;
I wish dad didn't fight with them almost every day;
I wish we had money;
I wish I could qualify for a grant or something;
I wish they understood,just because the money comes in,it goes right out again;
I wish they cared about family more than work;
I wish they didn't kill themselves;
I wish I had parents instead of bosses;
I wish they could let me get my own job and leave;
I wish he didn't prove that I rely on them for everything financial;
I wish I could rely on them for anything else;
I wish he never called me stupid/slow/useless/a waste of space/the worst one;
I wish I had gone through with what I had planned out,let someone else clean up the mess;
I wish I could wake up and not be sad;
I wish summer was nice and normal like everyone else's,not a living hell;
I wish I didn't have to force myself to get up,to hold on a bit longer;
I wish I didn't have to work all day to have what most people get handed to them;
I wish I had a choice in the matter;
I wish I had an opinion that wasn't always wrong;
I wish they were proud;
I wish I was proud;
I wish people could see the scars;
I wish they'd heal;
I wish I didn't have to care;
I wish I didn't have to help;
I wish I didn't notice anyone else's problems;
I wish I was anyone else;
I wish she'd feel the same;
I wish I didn't have hopes,you can't shatter what isn't there;
I wish there was someone else who could do it;
I wish I was normal,is that so much to ask?

"I could really use a wish right now"
It could be worse I guess,Still alive,anything else is a bonus,somehow.

Hi,I'm Alan,probably the most fucked up human being you'll ever come across.I'm not made up,I'm not going anywhere,I'm not giving up,I'm not sure why.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
That's alright,because I like the way it hurst
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
That's alright...."

"As I say this to you tonight,let us not forget.There is hope"


  1. I'm pretty shit at these blog replies, I guess because I know there isn't really anything I can say or do to make things better for you. But I would if I could, I really would.

    You should be proud of yourself though, because you do hold on and that just can't be easy. You should be really proud.

    I wish I could think of things to say that were more helpful, or more inspiring or something, but I'm always here if you need anything. <3

  2. So much to say to this - I miss being able to actually talk. (And wander around UCD at night.)

    All I can say for now is that summer's almost over...hang in there...and you're not alone. Really <3

  3. Hi! I'm a stranger. You don't know me but I like your blog.

    I think about you every day.