Monday, May 31, 2010

Communication Breakdown

One of the things I hate most about myself is my muddled up way of getting a point across.

There isn't a week that goes by where I don't feel like screaming what I'm thinking,just to get it out there.
I'm just naturally a closed book I guess.

The worst bit is I hate it,I have to be honest I get pretty jealous some times when I see people who can just say it.
'I'm sad' 'I like you' 'I hate you' they all get caught in my throat.
I've missed so many oppurtunities because of it.My idea gets someone else a prize, my quiet comment gets a round of applause.

I'm not a jealous person,but sometimes I just kind of feel like "Hey,I'm over here,did anyone notice"

one of these days I'll stop being self absorbed and blog about something else,promise

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I am not your rolling wheel

this'll probably be a double header but anywho.Beware the stench of teenbag in this one.

Can you love and hate someone at the same time? I mean, I love my Dad,he's my father he's kept a roof over my head and taught me some decent life lessons.But on the other hand he is a weapons-grade asshole,I know that sounds very whiney teenager-y.But I've realised it since I came home for the summer.I was never really happy growing up,not that I was UNhappy per sé, but content was the best I ever managed.The best feelings I ever really had growing up was "Well,there's nothing wrong at the moment,that's good right?"

I was never an optimistic person,I just assumed that's how I was.But now I've gotten away for a few months and been myself without the constant criticism,I've realised it's not who I am.I've mentioned being "old me" and "new me" a fair bit lately and to be honest it's the only option,to be two different people. I literally can't stay sane at home,unless I put up with momentous amounts of shit from my old fella.I guess I can't blame him,his dad died when he was a toddler so he never knew what a father would be like,he's worked his entire life,the result being he's a boss more than a parent.But that just doesn't cut it,I can take criticism,I a huge critic of myself anyway so I can see where people are coming from,but some of the things he has said to me over the years;
"I hope you fail your exams,I could use a hand around here"
"Alan,you're a failure"
At my brother's funeral: "Paul was the best of them,I put so much work in with him and now this *points to me* is all I'm left with"

Now I can understand being non-demonstrative,but I've never heard a compliment from my dad that wasn't blatantly sarcastic.I guess he's just like that,but it's gotten to the stage sometimes where I can see where my brothers were coming from about not being able to live like this.I don't like being insulted on a daily basis,nor do I like being told what I can and can't do or how stupid my idea[that eventually solves the problem] is.

I guess the hardest part is trying to understand why,I get the whole putting what hopes he had for my brothers onto me,I'm all he's got left,but after 3 suicides I'd like to think what ever morality he has would say "hmm,maybe I shouldn't treat him like shit" maybe there is some trend appearing here.This is going to be a long summer.I mean looking at some of the crap you see on Jeremy Kyle and Dr. Phil and other crappy daytime TV,it seems like I should be a drug abusing homeless run away or in prison for patricide.Is a little recognition for managing to be a completely broken person too much to ask for? seems so.

and half way through writing this he came into my room and asked me "Do you ever stop looking into that,one of these days I'll break it" the answer I swallowed was; no,I'd rather look into this than look at you,the internet has helped me make new friends and keep old ones,you've discouraged both.

You don't have to respond to this,I just needed to write it down.In case you had any dellusions that I was in anyway normal

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We're going down

I really can't stand being home again.I love home,it's home, it always will be.

But i don't know if it's growing up or that I've changed in college,but I seriously can't put up with my parents any more.I know I've only been back a week,maybe it's just part of settling back in to my old habits.But I'd love nothing more then to go out and get locked this weekend, which is not a feeling I like,ever.

Drinking has always been pretty weird for me, well 'weird' I suppose different is the word. my parents are seriously anti-alchohol, my Gradnfather on my mother's side was an out and out alchoholic [not the funny college kind either].My brother was something similar when he was alive,he never really left home and just drank aroud the local towns every weekend.I guess being messy drunk or having a bit of a "craving"[you know when you just want to get out] scares the living Sh*t out of me deep down.

This is one of the reasons I hate being at home,you HAVE to drink.I hate that,I might have one or two if I feel like it with some friends,that's my limit.I NEVER go out just to get drunk if I can help it,but my area is so dead that there is no interest in doing anything else.I practically gave up drinking in college,not on any major choice or anything,I just had other more fun stuff to do that didn't involve it and I loved it I'll be honest.Finally a change in pace.

well,that made no sense and can you SMELL the angst off this post, shocking stuff like.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Calm like a bomb.

I'm starting to get back into my old groove now I'm home and I hate it.

I hate having to bite my lip and not say what deserves to be said;
I hate having to just play my role;
I hate being nothing more than a tool;
I hate being forced to live in my own empty bubble;
I hate being insulted, repeatedly;
I hate being belittled;
I hate being isolated;
I hate the old me;
I hate the amount of crap I take from people;
I hate some of the things I could say to people;
I hate how they are getting closer to being said every day;
I hate how much I hate;

can anyone find me:

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I can dance if I want to

hmm,this could be one of three posts,let's see where I finish up.

"Tell a girl she's beautiful and she'll believe it for a moment, tell her she's worthless and she'll remember it for life"
This was put up as the status on a facebook group I'm in.I don't know who it's by but it makes perfect sense, swap out girl for someone and it puts my social perspective out there.I'm pretty retro-obsessive or neurotic whichever word fits better. I can remember stuff I've said or things people have said to me years ago [ I'm imagining a conversation in 4th class now] I know it's odd,I'm forgetful on most things but every now and then something just sticks in my brain, something I said in the heat of the moment or something that struck a chord with me.Little insults that deep down I agree with, funny how people always focus on the negative rather than the positive.

Saying that, one of my role model-y neighbours[yeah,it's totally a word now] was over today.She's a woman in her early 70's now who used to babysit me the odd time,when my folks wanted me out of the way for a bit.She was in pretty bad health for the last year or so, spending 9 months of last year in hospital with gallstones that kept causing pancreatitis[pain akin to childbirth for hours],now this lady is abou 6 stone and maybe 5 foot tall.She said "Ah,sure it wasn't the best alright" when mam asked her about it,now that's one tough lady.Call me weird/kiss ass/old fashioned if you want, but I have huge respect for anyone in my parents generation[my folks are in their 60's btw]. just because I grew up with anecdotes of the time from dad mostly,they had hard lives[well anyone I know] and are tough people, It's something that's always kept me grounded I guess.My folks grew up from having nothing,I'm so much luckier than they were and my life has been so much easier.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was how bitchy people can be,but the irony of bitching about it in a blog is a bit much, even for me.So,I'll leave it here and pop on a video

I wish I could dance :'(, but I still love to try :P

Friday, May 21, 2010

Oh times, They times are a changin'

I'm getting fed up of this being single craic.I'll be honest, it's starting to bother me. I mean first year in college is officially over and I'm still by myself. Am I really that awful?

And I got back home today from college, I can feel this summer being the same as every other falling back into my old life, being that guy again. The biggest thing I hate about where I'm from is that it never changes.Even my old friends are still exactly as they were last summer and the summer before etc.

It even came up in conversaion at one point,how we used to act at the kid's discos the impersonal set ups and such. It's still the same now even though we're in our late teens. the local hobby being drink until you get wasted and hope someone likes the look of you at in the morning. It'd be nice to take a change for once, go to a movie or bowling? it's only half an hour away, nope just me apparently. Binge drinking is still fun after 3/4 years of the same crap.

Maybe I'm just weird like that, but I'll admit I've changed in college,I won't apologies for that. Most of the old group still live together and hang out every day in college. By all means don't lose the old friends but god damn it people broaden your horizons.

beautiful song;

The nerdier version [watchmen]

Monday, May 17, 2010

Restless dreams I walked alone

Well,It's officially summer for me;exams are over adn now that I'm "home home" it's hit me.
I'm 'alone' again,not that I don't have all my old friends from secondary school,but I know I will miss living in Dublin so much.I had the luck to meet people who get the "real me" so much better than anyone at home ever could.

Don't get me wrong,I love being home,it's so much smaller and quieter than the city.Yeah,I sound crazy but the three biggest things I miss when I'm in dublin;The silence,you never really get true silence in dublin,I love the thought at night especiaaly that there is nothing making a sound for a good mile in every direction;The stars,it's probably my favourite thing about being at home,is being able to stare up at the stars,I just wish I could show them to someone; and finally my dog [didn't expect that did you?] that short little fecker is always able to make me smile.People say animals don't have peronalities,that's a lie nothing has ever missed me as much as that little guy did when I was away for the last few weeks with exams.
I opened the car door as I got back from the bus and he practically jumped in the car.:D

Probably one of the things I miss the most about living in dublin,not the going out,a club is a club IMO,but the conversation.I never realised until I went to college,but my old friends never really talk.Maybe it's a culchie thing,but thinking back we used to basically run on small talk,"out tonight?" and "Did you see the match?" were all tried and tested conversation starters.Saturday I was talking about the principles behind evolution,then about the theory of god,then the superhero I would make if I became god.
Random crap but,I loved every minute of it.

it's going to be a long summer after this week is over....

and yes,of course I used the watchmen version :D

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well,this is a weird one.....

I had a good few things on my mind today,all of them I could write a fair bit about.

And half way through my ponderings[yeah,I've named them now] I saw the happiest person I've seen in weeks,if not months.It was a fairly young child with what I will assume was down syndrome playing with the pigeons that hang around Busáras and enjoying every second of it.I have to admit I was jealous,that kid was absolutely content with life.A lot of people have pity for people with mental conditions like that

Is it wrong that I was a little jealous? all that kid wanted was to chase the pigeons and a lollipop[happened a few minutes later].I really wish life was that simple sometimes,if a lollipop could make the world all better again.

I sort of feel like I want too much out of life.I guess happiness is a matter of perspective:
"Some of the happiest people in the world come home smelling to high heaven"-Morgan Freeman as God

I spent about two hours writing that and completely lost my train of thought ages ago[this always happens],I'll leave y'all with this:

Friday, May 14, 2010

Did you miss me?

so,It's been a few days [I can procrastinate from a procastinate blog]

I have to talk about some of the people in my life right now.My family care far too much,they've been calling once if not twice a day through all my exams.I guess I can understand that,with me failing some of my subjects they can't help but be worried.I just hate the thought of them being that worried about me.I'll be fine,regardless of what happens."Keep smiling" is my motto,if you keep faking a smile then the real ones will come eventually,it's helped me through a lot of tough stuff.I wish I could find the words to convince them I can accept failing,if I've learned anything it's that there's very little in life worth getting yourself down over.

My friends,I have such amazing friends and I appreciate them far more than I'll ever be able to say.I know so many awesome people it astounds me.I've met probably two of the most talented human beings I've ever heard of: one is a semi-pro rugby player with a heart of gold and has had the best chances in life,hell he was a concert soloist for years and yet he gets as low as I do.Knowing him has taught me two lessons: Don't ever make assumptions of anyone and that some people will always surprise you.The other is one of the most intelligent and funny people I know,if only she could see it.I've met the most optimistic person in the world,an absolute ray of sunshine to anyone who's met her and sometimes she can't brighten up her own day.
I've been so surprised by the people I've met,I'm glad just knowing these people all real inspirations in their own right.
I'll probably never say to you in person,but meeting you has been some of the best things in my life.

Monday, May 10, 2010

What in hell is wrong with me?

Same shit different day,
Why do all my hopes go to hell?
Where's my reward?
Where's my Karma?
Where's my Silver lining?

I'm nearly too annoyed to write at the moment,maybe tomorrow will be different >.<"

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today was one of the best days I've had in quite a while,nothing amazing happened but I had that lovely content feeling that I've missed for quite a while.

My exams went fairly well,as expected not well enough,but I saw that coming.The weather was great,I hung out for a few hours with some friends and introduced them to the Dj Dain-Don't worry,I'm yours wonder of music.The nearest thing to my ideal day.

I love the sunny weather,especially here in UCD the greens were full of couples just relaxing out in the sun,I thought it was nice,it gave the place a carefree sort of atmosphere.
That got a really unexpected reaction on boards,I've been single for a good while now and I still like to see people out together happy,but the amount of people that are annoyed by it surprised me.I can't see why you'd be against someone else's happiness,

but yeah,not really sure what it was about today,hung out for a while,sorted out some society stuff for the summer, dropped up some shopping to one of the girls that hurt her leg and headed home,all pretty lazy and relaxed,just that subtle kind of content happiness.My nastiest exams are over and come monday night it'll be a cake walk from then on in.

so,that's it really.Nothing exciting or cool to talk about[what am I talking about,I've never been cool],happy times for now.

if you havn't heard the song: get an ice cold some cider,a few friends and sit on the grass while it's sunny.What it's best for IMO:

Friday, May 7, 2010

Maybe this time....

I failed physics yesterday.I'm not too sure how I feel about that.

I accepted a while ago that I realistically can't pass this year.I have almost no chance of passing programming,I am carrying one stupid fail from last semester that I should have passed,just a silly mistake that ruined it.

Now,don't get me wrong,I'm not too sad about the whole thing.My folks are okay with it,even if I do repeat the year.No one in my family has a college degree,only one of my brothers even attempted it and it killed him,my sister repeated second year twice,then dropped out when she got pregnant.She's always wanted to go back,not for the degree,she is happier now then she probably would have been.But just to prove it to herself,we're alike in that way I guess.

I've always kept the highest standards for myself,I don't judge anyone I know,on what they've done before I met them,where they are from,who they know,who they used to be.It's who people ARE that matters to me,that's who I'm friends with,not the old you,here and now is what matters.If only I could put the same attitude to myself I'd probably be better off.I don't mean this in an arrogant way,but I'm probably th eone person who never needs correcting,not that I don't make mistakes,I make more than most,but I notice every damn one of them or at least a hell of a lot of them.I'm never good enough for myself, I always want to be faster,stronger,better.That's what makes failing hard for me,not that I mind having an extra year in college,but that I shouldn't need one,I should be good enough to get straight through it.That sounds crazy to say,I know people won't exactly think less of me if I take an extra bit of time to get there,I on the other hand can't accept that quite as easily.

I'm critical enough to know what I'm like,but it's just how I'm hardwired like that.It's only when I start to think everyone else is as critical as me that things get hairy,I know I won't be able to measure up to a lot of people's standards,but maybe some day I'll be enough for someone.

it was just too perfect to pass up

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar

gah,this studying craic is torture.

I'm one of those people who can't ever just sit still.I have to always be doing something,it's like an addiction.I don't know what it is about me,but I like to be involved in things.

I guess that's what got me into the failing first year situation to a large extent.I can't really say "NO" all that well.
This year I:
Was on the pagansoc committee,
was the SU class rep,
unoffically Gamesoc committee,
ended up being post-positioned as RPG Director for Retcon,
Was trusted to run the busiest part of the whole weekend for the above,
Was told by a lot of people,including all of the committee, to be the auditor,
Got elected on first preferences to the committee,
Made some awesome friends,had some even better memories
I really came out of my shell and see who I can really be.

well,that's the cool interesting stuff anyway,there's some other not so cool things too

Basic point of this post: I'm awesome come and look at me :P
But seriously,Just thinking back over the last 8 months,I've changed so much from who I was last summer,I'm more of who I am and want to be,then of what people wanted me to be.

Granted the new me is a bigger kid than ever,playing games and joking around all the time,but so what? I missed all this crap growing up,I was either working or studying like a nut.

I know I sound like an arrogant cock,but what can I say,my pride has always been my downfall.I'm proud of what I did this year[even if studying was never one them]

Really not looking forward to this long drawn out summer now,I have to find something to keep me sane,I never cope well with just sitting around[hell just look at this blog in the last week]I think all those game/storyline concepts I've been blurting out this year are going to be written and tested


also,if anyone recognises the Firefly quote at the top I will love you forever

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

remember,remember the fourth.....

Today is Tuesday the 4th of May.Today would be my brother's 25th birthday,I normally just get on with it.But this year,this time it's different:This is the first time I'm away from home,this time I'm in first year of college with exams starting two days.

This time five years ago my brother was in the same situation.First year exams in trinity.I am pretty sure I'm going to fail a good few of my exams this semester,this year was pretty hard over all,sort of stepping into his shoes for me.

I can't shake the questions,How was he feeling in this situation? He got his exam results and had failed first year,5 hours later he was dead.

I can't help but compare myself to him,I'm in almost exactly the same situation.I have some pretty bad results coming my way.I don't know how I'll react to seeing it on paper.One of those little trials I have out in front of myself,to see if I can measure up.

it makes me wonder though,who would I be in a different life?What if nothing had happened?What would I be like? Would I be a better person?Would I be more successful?
at the very least it'd make things a lot easier having someone there who went before me.

I know so many people havn't got anyone older than them to ask for advice,but the difference that always makes it harder is that,he did and it was all too much for him in the end.

well,that got a bit heavy,most people come with emotional baggage.Here's me travelling with a freight train.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The man who can't be moved...

I really wish I was.

I've a messed view of the world,a few things today really cemented that in my head.

1)Woke up and dad came to blow off some steam,last night he got a call from a neighbour [WARNING CULCHIE ANECDOTES!!!] who was having trouble with a cow calfing.Now,I'm a pretty patient guy but I would have hit the guy after what happened last night,I won't go into the details but he made a stupid,basic mistake that even I an 18 year old lad that has damn all experience in the grand scheme of things[this guy is in his mid 60's].He drove the cow mad by tying her with a rope[common sense say wild animals don't like being tied up] then wondered why she wouldn't calm down and start calfing.Before dad finished telling me the set up of the situation,I had told him what I thought it sounded like,I was right. Now here's what annoys me: Me a young lad still earning this stuff,can guess the problem just after waking up lying in bed,not even dressed yet and a Seasoned old farmer who has been doing this for the last 50 years can't spot what's wrong.

***City folk start here***
Now,I've time for most things,stupidity isn't one of them.Now,I don't mean education at all,my dad didn't finish primary school and my mam left before junior cert [reasons for both,it'll come up again].Hell,I'll be the first person in my family to get a degree if I get that far.But back to the point,I don't have time for Weapons Grade stupidity,even less when it's causing an animal to suffer and could cause an unborn animal it's life,because of someone elses fuck ups.If you don't know what you're doing people admit it,that way no one gets hurt

2)I always find it's an attitude problem where I'm from[well,I think it is].The general trend in my area/school was to stumble through the leaving cert and hang around the town for the rest of your life.Now,don't get me wrong,I love my home,but some of the people drive me nuts,when your goal in life is nothing more than having enough money to get locked at the weekend and maybe a few cows so you have something to pretend to know about,then you can stay the hell away from me.I know I'll sound hypocritical,I love farming,I love being outside,I love being close nature.But more importantly whatever I do I want to do well,I'm in college so I can be the best I can be at what I do.I can't understand people who just don't want anything out of life.I want respect,I want happiness,I want love,I want to know whenever it happens,if I end up lying somewhere dying,I want to be able to think "hell yeah,I'd do that all again".I take pride in what I do,even if it's something I don't really want to do[that really won't be reflected in my exams but anywho]

3)I can appreciate things,I know I sound arrogant and old fashioned[I guess I am in some respects] but people these days don't appreciate what they have.I grew up with stories from my parents about not having money to buy new clothes as kids,Dad not getting a chance to know his father as he died young.Even as recent as them dealing with not being sure if they could buy the groceries when I was younger with the cheques not being sent out for cattle.I've said it a lot over the years,"if you aren't dead,then you havn't failed at life", people seem to be too hard on themselves [I'm at the very centre of that crowd I know] and can't see what they do have.Talents,skills,friends,the one that always gets me is GF/BF's how can you take someone that cares about you that much for granted? Some people have so much in life,please don't wait until you've lost it to see how good something is.

well,glad I got that off my chest.I can't see for the life of me why people read this,I'm just venting and ranting.I read other people's Blogs because the really inspire me and I care what's going on with them.

The Script-The Man who can't be moved

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too.

I tried to not let this get to me,but I can't shake it:
"Stop looking for things to get annoyed about."

Do I? I mean do I actually put myself in situations to get angry? I'm not an angry person by nature.Hell,I've even been called on being almost too cold and calculated,or is it just passive aggression I use?

I will admit I'm having a bad day,a lot of people have a habit of coming to me with their troubles,I appreciat eit and take it as a compliment.But sometimes,as harsh as it sounds,I just don't give a fuck and have my own stuff to sort out.I'm normally pretty patient and try to help with stuff even if I've no experience of it.But when people start crying to me about stuff that effects me more than them,it does annoy me.

the latest antic being money,now the friend that was whining[and that's all I can class it as] about not having money.This guy lives in a mansion in Dalkey,the richest of the rich and his parents are a barrister and a tax consultant so fairly recession proof,with no mortgage.He's whining about not having enough money to go out.
He gets €20 a day when he's in college.All he has to do is buy lunch,why can't he afford to go out on that much?
Now I, a country boy,living away from home,by myself ,live on the same amount.I get €100 leaving on the bus at the weekend,out of that I have to buy a weeks worth of food and a € 25 bus ticket home.I still save money every week,don't get me wrong I know 100 quid is more money than a lot of people have,if I'm honest I think it's more money than my folks can afford to give.I just wish he'd be a bit more mature about it and stop whining like a spoilt kid,I always bite my lip at that part,but one of these days it's going to bleed and that'll be that

Money has never mattered much to me,not that I'm tight or anything,I just don't waste money.There wasn't a lot of it around when I was growing up,we never did without and I love my parents for that.I guess this is why something else struck a chord with me on boards:
"Do the working class get depression or is it a middle class thing?"

I'm not ashamed to say I'm from a "working class" background,my parents have worked hard all their lives and I've had as good as a part time job since I was ten at home on the farm,just so we can get by.I'll [hopefully] be the first person in my family to get a college degree [eventually] so,maybe my definition is wrong but not the "high society" most people I know might be from.So what? I don't judge anyone I know on where they come from or how they grew up,I judge them on the person they are.Maybe that's unusual, society seems to think the stuff you have makes you who you are,my attitude is more "I'm not dead yet,everything else is bonus"

I don't even know where this post is going,but I guess I just need to see it written down.
a quote springs to mind: "IT's not the perfections that make you love someone,it's those little cracks in the mask,the little things that annoy you but you can forgive in an instant,that's what makes it love,"
I probably messed that up,but it's the sentiment I liked,not the words.

moozik time:
the title is from:Glee-My life would suck without you
[okay it's from kelly clarkson,I prefer this version]

and a song I've been listening to a lot:

The lyrics are amazing,the melody is good too

and since you've read this far,a reward: my MSN:
come and say hi,I don't mind answering questions about anything in here

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Nothing more,than a line in your book

I had a long day today,left my apartment before 9 and only got home to mayo at 3.Not fun.

I had an interesting bus trip though,in one of my analytical moods.I spent the journey listening to music and just watching people,I'm not a stalker,just plain old weird,don't act like your surprised:P
The bus was that lovely sweaty stuffy kind you only get on a long bus trip where every seat is full.I spotted a few interesting things,the first one being a couple that got on last,they had to sit two rows apart since there were only two free seats left.A middle aged woman in one of them got up,pointed to the woman standing and said
"Sure,the two of ye can sit in there".The younger woman hadn't asked or said anything,but the older lady did the decent thing and let the two of them sit together.What a legend!

the other thing I spotted is how self important people consider themselves,at one point[mullingar I think] two people got off and there was a double seat free.At least 5 people jumped out of their seats to get at the double seat,Like lions pouncing on a gazelle.All I could think of is "Are you really that up yourself that you deserve a double seat above the people getting on the bus?" I mean who does that? there were a few people waiting to get on the bus,what was the deal with that one little slice of comfort? Was it really that important to people to have a one up on the rest of us?

Yes,I am weird to notice these things.I've known for a while I'm pretty odd,sure who isn't? I'm just that bit more than most people.I can't be the only one who likes to take a step out for a while and just analyse everything around you.It always helps me deal with things and sort things out in my head.If I just stop living life for a while and watch it go by,it's easier to get some perspective.

I had a different post planned for this song,but maybe I'll bring it up another time: