I failed physics yesterday.I'm not too sure how I feel about that.
I accepted a while ago that I realistically can't pass this year.I have almost no chance of passing programming,I am carrying one stupid fail from last semester that I should have passed,just a silly mistake that ruined it.
Now,don't get me wrong,I'm not too sad about the whole thing.My folks are okay with it,even if I do repeat the year.No one in my family has a college degree,only one of my brothers even attempted it and it killed him,my sister repeated second year twice,then dropped out when she got pregnant.She's always wanted to go back,not for the degree,she is happier now then she probably would have been.But just to prove it to herself,we're alike in that way I guess.
I've always kept the highest standards for myself,I don't judge anyone I know,on what they've done before I met them,where they are from,who they know,who they used to be.It's who people ARE that matters to me,that's who I'm friends with,not the old you,here and now is what matters.If only I could put the same attitude to myself I'd probably be better off.I don't mean this in an arrogant way,but I'm probably th eone person who never needs correcting,not that I don't make mistakes,I make more than most,but I notice every damn one of them or at least a hell of a lot of them.I'm never good enough for myself, I always want to be faster,stronger,better.That's what makes failing hard for me,not that I mind having an extra year in college,but that I shouldn't need one,I should be good enough to get straight through it.That sounds crazy to say,I know people won't exactly think less of me if I take an extra bit of time to get there,I on the other hand can't accept that quite as easily.
I'm critical enough to know what I'm like,but it's just how I'm hardwired like that.It's only when I start to think everyone else is as critical as me that things get hairy,I know I won't be able to measure up to a lot of people's standards,but maybe some day I'll be enough for someone.
it was just too perfect to pass up
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1 year ago