this'll probably be a double header but anywho.Beware the stench of teenbag in this one.
Can you love and hate someone at the same time? I mean, I love my Dad,he's my father he's kept a roof over my head and taught me some decent life lessons.But on the other hand he is a weapons-grade asshole,I know that sounds very whiney teenager-y.But I've realised it since I came home for the summer.I was never really happy growing up,not that I was UNhappy per sé, but content was the best I ever managed.The best feelings I ever really had growing up was "Well,there's nothing wrong at the moment,that's good right?"
I was never an optimistic person,I just assumed that's how I was.But now I've gotten away for a few months and been myself without the constant criticism,I've realised it's not who I am.I've mentioned being "old me" and "new me" a fair bit lately and to be honest it's the only option,to be two different people. I literally can't stay sane at home,unless I put up with momentous amounts of shit from my old fella.I guess I can't blame him,his dad died when he was a toddler so he never knew what a father would be like,he's worked his entire life,the result being he's a boss more than a parent.But that just doesn't cut it,I can take criticism,I a huge critic of myself anyway so I can see where people are coming from,but some of the things he has said to me over the years;
"I hope you fail your exams,I could use a hand around here"
"Alan,you're a failure"
At my brother's funeral: "Paul was the best of them,I put so much work in with him and now this *points to me* is all I'm left with"
Now I can understand being non-demonstrative,but I've never heard a compliment from my dad that wasn't blatantly sarcastic.I guess he's just like that,but it's gotten to the stage sometimes where I can see where my brothers were coming from about not being able to live like this.I don't like being insulted on a daily basis,nor do I like being told what I can and can't do or how stupid my idea[that eventually solves the problem] is.
I guess the hardest part is trying to understand why,I get the whole putting what hopes he had for my brothers onto me,I'm all he's got left,but after 3 suicides I'd like to think what ever morality he has would say "hmm,maybe I shouldn't treat him like shit" maybe there is some trend appearing here.This is going to be a long summer.I mean looking at some of the crap you see on Jeremy Kyle and Dr. Phil and other crappy daytime TV,it seems like I should be a drug abusing homeless run away or in prison for patricide.Is a little recognition for managing to be a completely broken person too much to ask for? seems so.
and half way through writing this he came into my room and asked me "Do you ever stop looking into that,one of these days I'll break it" the answer I swallowed was; no,I'd rather look into this than look at you,the internet has helped me make new friends and keep old ones,you've discouraged both.
You don't have to respond to this,I just needed to write it down.In case you had any dellusions that I was in anyway normal
First blog post
1 year ago