Friday, April 30, 2010

You ain't never had a friend like me

A positive post for a change.

I had a nice little moment this afternoon,sitting at my laptop "Studying" *ahem*.When a chatbox opened on facebook,nothing unusual there, it was a friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a few months.I'll be honest I've lost contact with most of my friends back home,I was too busy living the college life and enjoying being out on my own for the first time,I guess.

it wasn't what they said that mattered,it was the usual,somewhat stilted conversation of "how's college?" etc. etc. Which was nice,then about half way through the conversation another friend piped in with the same message.A friend I had met in secondary school,again had sort of lost contact.

After about an hour,maybe more.Similar situation,only this time it was a friend from college. Again about half way through the conversation another friend I met in college piped in,now this guy I only knew for first semester,He dropped out after the exams and he hadn't really kept in contact,normal "How's college?" stuff.

a while after,I sent a quick hello,to a Boardsie friend of mine on Facebook.It's only now heading to bed,that I realised that there are exapmles of friends that I've made from every stage of my life,some I knew better than their family at one point others that I've only spoken to maybe twice in person.All of them,still wonder every now and then how I'm doing,even though I haven't seen them in so long or have had so little contact with in the grand scheme of things.

I really am one lucky guy to have met such great people and I really mean it,you guys mean the world to me.

and music for today,is a song that just about fits the level of awesome for the people in my life:

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Embrace the Anger,bring it on home

Dear world,please switch me off,I've had enough.

That sounds pretty morbid,but I've found whats wrong with me.Apparently,I've a Hero complex,I guess that makes sense.It's hard coded into me,I've been a few different people in my life,I changed a lot in the space of a few years.
But,I've always had this reflex or compulsion,I'm not sure which word to use.Whenever I hear of someone else's trouble I can't help but bring it onto myself,looking back I've always had it,it's part of who I am.

It's almost always worked out badly for me in the long run,my own personal archenemy I guess.I've gotten a caution and a Garda report from it,nearly been killed twice with it,got possibly the most painful memory of my life from it and again probably the proudest achievement of my life,that I've told almost no one about.

well,I've not much else to do,so analysis follow:
The caution I got on Junior cert night,we were out in Castlebar and having a few drinks,like always.After some du,b tough guy act by a few of my friends,we ended up being followed by a crowd of those lovely 'out for a fight' kind of people.Just as we were leaving on the bus,I heard one of the girls scream as the crowd gathered around a friend of mine,being kicked on the ground.I remember looking around for maybe asecond and seeing that no one,out of about 30 people who were all close friends with the guy, was doing anything.I just snapped, I lost my temper which I've done maybe 3-4 times in my life,I dived in swinging and from what I was told after,I broke one guys jaw and probably another guys arm.I can barely remember the fight I acted on sheer instinct,I can remember thinking "I could be killed" and yet I didn't care I had to save him,even if it ended up being the last thing I was going to do,I wasn't leaving him behind.The cards came soon after and cleared them off, I was cautioned for what happened [which I could never understand,there were two of us and about 8 of them]

now,just to clarify,I am not a violent person at all,I never instigate anything,what happened that night was one of the most intense emtional experiences of my life, maybe I'm just odd,but when I say I'd die for my close friends I mean it, then again I'm pretty old fashioned in that when I say I'm someone's frined,It means something,to me at least.

but moving on,my most painful memory has to be the day Paul[my brother] killed himself. Dad was outside the house smoking on the windowsill and I was out with him,I knew I couldn't leave him,Mam was inside surrounded by some of her friends.But not dad,he's the same as me,I knew he was sore but he'd never admit it,he's as headstrong as I am.A neighbour came out and gave him the usual"you'll be okay in time.And sure don't you have this young fella to help you"[me] and I can understand what he said next,he was in a very vulnerable state.I guess I can't blame him, it was "He'll do,but Paul was the best of them" and some other things to that tone.

I could feel myself getting hit with those words,I wasn't good enough to be his son,I was second rate. A part of me died that day,I'm not saying that for dramatic effect, I realised then and there if I was going to do anything in life it'd be on my shoulders.I might not be the best dad,but I was strong enough not to run away from my life. I've bitten my tongue on that statment so many times,don't get me wrong I love my parents more then anything,but I can say this with no exaggeration that I'm probably the last pick,if they had to pick one son to be left with.I guess I can understand that,everyone has their favourite don't they? I guess I'm just not theirs.

and my proudest moment,in first semester of college,I met this girl and she seemed a bit off.Still a pretty outgoing and nice person,but there was something off about her,a look on her face when she thought no one was looking, a certain light she had in her eyes,just something.I confronted her about it one day,just as simple "Is everything okay" she gave the usual "yeah why not" but I kept pushing the issue,turns out I was right,she had been severely depressed for a while about being in college.I pointed her towards councilling and she left college soon after,but she thanked me earlier this year,saying she was close to suicide.She didn't seem it at all,thanked me for being a friend and that she might have gone through with it if I hadn't asked.

I guess I had my own agenda there as well,one of the reason I have the courage to ask now,is I will alwasy have the question burned into my brain "If my one of my brothers had a friend that asked,would I have one more family member right now?"

I've only ever told that story to two people,this blog has really gotten to the "real me" the me that no one sees,it's scary how much this helps.

Wow,this personal blog got pretty personal all of a sudden.

Well,if anyone takes anything from my experiences,it's that someone will always care and if you ever need to talk,or need a shoulder to cry on,I'm always here.

and don't be afraid to ask "How are you?" it coud,quite literally,be a life saver.

if you don't get the title reference:

my favourite line from the song.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Don't worry,Be happy

Procrastinating Blog post #2 I should really be studying, but all the talk of blogging on boards got me to reading a few of them,Which then got me into "philosophy mode":todays topic, suicide Suicide is probably the result/reason for about 70% of who I am as a person.It's always been something I knew about,looking back now I was severely depressed as a pre-teen,I can vividly remember when I was 12 crying by myself on the roof of a shed I used to climb up to be alone and being almost fully convinced the world would be better without me in it.The worst thing about my little spot,was I could see the house from one side,but the lake from the other.Even at as a twelve year old I knew how to do what I was thinking of,but something in me just said "One more day" I don't know why,call it a guardian angel[I wouldn't] but for a normally pessimistic person I've always had this attitude when the chips are down,I refuse to let anything beat me.Be that physical,mental or emotional,hell it could be sheer force of pride,but I've always been determined to not let the world beat me. Even in more recent times,my three brothers who have commited suicide have given me so much to live with,that it's fundamentally altered the way I see the world: Drinking is a part of Irish culture and I've no problem with that,what I do have is a terrible fear of being drunk,admittedly it doesn't happen often, I was born with a fairly tough constitution.But when I get to that point of letting my senses slip,it always scares me,I'm far from a control freak,but Losing control of myself is one of my biggest fears.I guess since my brother ended up in the same situation and decided to kill himself over some debts,it's changed the way I prioritise money and alchohol,they're both just means to an end now, for most people I think they are the goal in a lot of things. well,that's about 1/4 of the story,but it'll come up again,it always does. And so to finish, a song that means a lot to me and fits so much about me,I just can't stop listening to it,if I could be described as a song, this would be it:

Monday, April 26, 2010

well,it's 26/4/10 and this will be the first of about 10 blog posts I'll make in the next few weeks or so.I really shouldn't but I know deep down as strange as I think blogging is,I hate studying much,much than that.

I finally logged back in to my bebo profile today,I havn't looked at it since the first week of college,in fact my saying still says I'm glad to be in UCD.After looking through it for a while,I actually realise how much I've changed in the few months I've been in college and that I LOVE the new person I've become.

In other news,I got elected by first preferences to the Gamesoc comittee next year,which I was in the top two of the candidates,which in all honesty,scares the living shit out of me.I guess I come across as a reliable and confident person,WHERE THE HELL DO THEY GET THAT FROM!! I always assume my neurotic and sarcastic mannerisms came across more then anything else about me.I would never have considered myself any of these things.

Don't worry,one of these days I'll learn how to take a compliment.Don't get me wrong I appreciate people's confidence in me,I just can't shake the feeling it's misplaced.

Either way,this is for anyone who believes in me:Glee- My life would suck without you