I genuinely am starting to hate my own family,I hate that I ahve to say that,but it's how I feel.
We all have this thing[a complex of some sort I guess] where we're always right,I'm painting myself with that brush as well,I assume I'm right most of the time.One thing I don't do and don't have in common with them is;I don't rub it in peoples' faces.
Househunting;I'm saving a good 300 quid a month on last year,but it's not good enough,the places my sister finds are perfect,despite being smaller,shared and further away.But she's right and I'm wrong,why? because that's how it is,thats the way our world works,all the shit lands on the little guy.Apparently,I'm a judgemental ass because I think a spoiled friend of mine is spoiled,I've known the guy for a year,I have a fairly good impression of him and I don't judge people.Why is it a bad thing? He's a funny guy,good to be around,but a spoiled ass,it's who he is.Why am I being judged for having an opinion?
I hate all this whining and moaning I do,but FFS Can I have an opinion or a decision?Would it kill everyone to let me go and live for once?
Maybe all I want is to be a bum and have fun with my mates,can I not make that decision?Or can I make the choices as long as I get where you want me to end up?
"I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be,so I'm lying my way from you"
yesterday was the best day of my summer so far,today was pretty awesome to boot. Why? No real reason,lots of little things; I left my ipod behind when I changed busses,the driver waited for 10 mintues and helped me look for it,great guy. I had a decent bit of sleep yesterday for the first time in months[half of it was on a 4 and a half hour bus trip but still] I slept through a very long bus trip, I got eddie rockets [seriously,vanilla malts beat any drug ever.I know I'm so cool with my milkshakes] House hunting is going pretty well,after douchey lanlords and cancellations an awesome house that fits perfectly has opened up,here's hoping we get it. And an evening of "How I met your Mother" and some great laughs with my[newly realised] best friend. Met a lovely stranger with a great taste in music on the luas[ Ark's <3]
So,if only for a day or two,things are coming up roses for now.It's nice for things to ease off for a moment
"'Cos every little thing,is gonna be alright." If only for now,I believe it
Dear God/Alanis Morrisette/Morgan Freeman/Cuck/Whoever, WHAT THE FUCK?Why me? what did I do to get this?I understand life throws you curveballs sometimes,it keeps you on your feet,let's you scale things,keep things in perspective.
I don't need perspective,I have far,far too much of it at this stage.The more I think about it the more I see the bad stuff.There's that thin veil of happiness on top,why can't that be all I see?
Most people have twists and turns in life,some bullying,some depression,some little accident when they were young that still effects them,some problems at home maybe or just a little bit of an odd background.
Why did I end up with the whole bunch?Why am I nice?Why do I bother any more? Name a problem I've had it or grew up near it.I wish I was exaggerating,I wish I was trying to sound cool,I wish I was posing and being all moody,I wish I could just stop and say it was all made up,it's not.
I wish my brother wasn't an alchoholic; I wish he never hit me as a kid; I wish I wasn't the fat kid people made fun of; I wish I didn't eat all the more because of it; I wish dad didn't fight with them almost every day; I wish we had money; I wish I could qualify for a grant or something; I wish they understood,just because the money comes in,it goes right out again; I wish they cared about family more than work; I wish they didn't kill themselves; I wish I had parents instead of bosses; I wish they could let me get my own job and leave; I wish he didn't prove that I rely on them for everything financial; I wish I could rely on them for anything else; I wish he never called me stupid/slow/useless/a waste of space/the worst one; I wish I had gone through with what I had planned out,let someone else clean up the mess; I wish I could wake up and not be sad; I wish summer was nice and normal like everyone else's,not a living hell; I wish I didn't have to force myself to get up,to hold on a bit longer; I wish I didn't have to work all day to have what most people get handed to them; I wish I had a choice in the matter; I wish I had an opinion that wasn't always wrong; I wish they were proud; I wish I was proud; I wish people could see the scars; I wish they'd heal; I wish I didn't have to care; I wish I didn't have to help; I wish I didn't notice anyone else's problems; I wish I was anyone else; I wish she'd feel the same; I wish I didn't have hopes,you can't shatter what isn't there; I wish there was someone else who could do it; I wish I was normal,is that so much to ask?
"I could really use a wish right now" It could be worse I guess,Still alive,anything else is a bonus,somehow.
Hi,I'm Alan,probably the most fucked up human being you'll ever come across.I'm not made up,I'm not going anywhere,I'm not giving up,I'm not sure why.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright,because I like the way it hurst Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright...."
"As I say this to you tonight,let us not forget.There is hope"
So,today was a bad day,well "worse" I suppose.Same as every day,but worse somehow.
On the upside;I sort of mentioned in passing me being depressed to my parents[it took a bit longer than usual to make myself get up for the day] On the downside;their reaction was,basically,: "well go to the doctor and get it fixed,in the mean time we have this, this and this to get done today so shape up"
"Please someone help me,I'm dying here in front of you"
I can't say I didn't see it coming,it's how they are with everything,lip service and just get the hell on with it.
"We'll start a fire and burn some bridges"
What's the point?Why do I bother?This family died 5 years ago,why can't I just walk the hell away?.I know this sounds terrible but it's easier when we don't talk at all,hurray for WANTING a more fucked up life.The biggest thing I like about this place is my dog,how sad is that? I mean really
I know I said I didn't want to be such a whiney bitch,I don't like how this blog makes me come across,but I'm holding on by fingertips here.So,I'ma be a whiney teenbag until I can be sane again..
Music is a big part of my life.It's my drug,even working around home I have an iPod in my pocket and although it causes an argument with dad half the time.I NEED to have a beat in my ear,it gets me through the day.
I know that sounds kind of sad,but it's true.A rhythm to focus on and to keep me focussed or distracted I'm not sure which,but my mind wanders less and that's a really good thing for me right now.It's probably why I have such a soft spot for drum and bass music,it's clean "pure" if you want to sound all emo and junk.No words,no real meaning to get you going,just straight music to do with it what you will,every time I listen to it it could mean something different,feel that bit different.
For me,it's mood manipulation as well,the autoplay song on this blog [that you all hated so much >.>] always calms me down and puts a smile on my face.I have no idea why,something about Iz singing somewhere over a rainbow makes me think of a happier place.It sort of works both ways,certain songs make me feel pissed off, or rather brings it to the surface, "killing in the name of" for one,maybe not angry but not taking any shit kind of mood.Or motivational,just by the way it sounds,in general it's more about the sound than the lyrics; "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen[and various others] is all about sex,but it always seems so sad to my mind.
In a way it always seems to say things better than I can,most of these posts have a song attached,it usually sums it up for me,whether it's just a lyric that stands out for me or the "mood" of the song fits, in my head anyway
Well,that's enough of my craziness for one rambly blog post,makes a nice change from the whingey teenage dirtbag[;)] tripe I normally spew out,so I'll leave it with generic worky type music;
So;on a scale of 1-Bruno how Ghey is this topic idea thingy anyway?
I like this whole "30 days" thing.It's nice having a topic to write about and let's face it I don't HAVE a life to blog about,so here's an Idea I came up with a couple of weeks ago: Topical Blogging, kind of like LC English all over again *shudders*
Pick a topic,write about it.SIMPLES! it's going to be;
I may like How I met your mother a tad too much :D
Sort your shit out so we can get a house already,I really need to get out of here and it's such a great excuse.I hope your having an awesome summer
#6 — A stranger
The back of yo' head is ridikulas and you may or may not be hot/strange looking,I doubt I noticed you otherwise.But Hi anyway and have a good day/night/life
#9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Phillip DeFranco,one of the most subscribed YouTubers ever and a pretty funny guy.I'd just like to know what he's like in person.He's a good bit of my inspiration for this blog and has an amazing lige I'm stupidly jealous of,his job is to talk crap to a camera at home,play and review video games and pimp out his friends to the internet.How fucking great of a job is that?
#10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
There's far too many people that this goes out to.I've met so many people I'd love to get to know better,but life just doesn't work like that.I kind of prefer to keep moving between people or I'm just greedy,I don't know what it is,but I want to fit so much time in with so many people it never works out like that for anyone.But there's one person that springs to mind;
We really should hang out more man.The bit we have spent together we got on ridiculously well and you get my taste in music [as well as the nerdiness,you'd be amazed how rarely the two of those go together]
#14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
We used to be like two halves of the same person.When exactly did that end? It' still pretty similar when we do hang out ,as rare as that is.We have to change that some time soon.
#21 — Someone you judged by their first impression I was so wrong about you. Best mistake I've ever made tbh.
Can you sort yourself out please?The whole "I want to be happy" thing is a bit shite,I know what/who/where I DON'T want to be,but that still leaves a big ass target to hit.It'd be nice to have some sort of discernable place to aim for/a way to get there,I can figure those out pretty well.
Sleepy-type dream;Stop being so messed up,I get the whole subconscious thing for dreams.Why don't I ever remember you,like at all?And why are you never good? I want the flying one or one with blackjack and hookers,actually screw the blackjack.I don't sleep well anyway,you could at least entertain me when I am asleep,be more like daydreams,those things are awesome.They really help me get through the day.
# 23 — The last person you kissed
Was actually a dude,I'm staright,but I was rather drunk and was dared in a game of kings [I NEVER pass up a challenge] so yeah,awkward one this.I'd rather not go into details as I can't quite remember.But kind of bad timing on this one I guess :/
# 28 — Someone that changed your life
Thanks for being in my life,you showed me there's worse things in he world and that I'm not alone in all this shit.You aren't either,don't forget that. you're so positive and get my douchebaggy sense of humour.Try and keep your ridikulas head in line though mmkay? don't do anything I might regret.
Honestly guys,are you happy like this? I mean,you hardly talk,even less to me.The little you do manage is just small talk.I don't want anything from you,I gave up my expectations of you a long time ago.I would just like to see you happy is all,you deserve some of that after everything.It's not going to be coming form me,you've made that abundantly clear,but life is about the Up's the downs are only to keep everything in focus,don't let that confuse you.
20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
I've never really had my heart broken, as much of a big softy as I am and as easily I tend to fall for someone, I never really open up enough to get properly hurt or heart broken as much as I've opened up in recent years,I still can't let people fully "know me",it's a problem I have,it's getting better [with a huge thanks to this blog tbh] but now I guess I need someone to let in before I can get hurt,someone to see more than just one or two sides of me.
29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
You have no idea how truly beautiful you are on the inside and the outside.Don't change,just being you is all you'll ever need.
30 — Your reflection in the mirror
This probably the hardest one of these I'll write.Me facing myself in the mirror is one of those things that changes far too often.One day it's smiling and thinking of something funny,another day it might be frowning at the ridiculous amount of imperfections my skin has or how unfit I look.Sometimes I have to convince myself to just make it through the day,some days I'm asking why I even bother.Sadly,my attitude towards myself isn't that great most of the time,I guess something should change that,but it's always been like this
So,the best thing I could say to myself;"Dude,get your life together,the way things stand you're pretty pathetic;no girl,no car,no job,no goals,no life,no prospects.Seriously,hop to it man.
Is this what everyone else sees?
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, And no message could've been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change"
# 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
How Gay was that? seriously,how'd you talk me into it?
# 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
I don't really have anyone I want to forgive me,In general I know when I fuck things up and apologise soon afterwards,so I guess understanding is all I want from some people,not forgiveness.
# 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
This is much more than your second chance,cop the fuck on.Next time,I'm not coming back.
# 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
I don't really have a favourite memory,I don't have a "go to" memory that can bring a smile to my face. The happiest memory I have in the last while is from a party I was at earlier this year,I was talking to this girl and we just clicked so well.I remember we ended up just holding each other on the couch all night,talking crap and just having a laugh.Nothing happened and I just felt like someone liked me for me,without knowing how fucked up I am,just me as a person.It was nice.
Note to self: WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK HER OUT!!!
I'm so going to recycle this song some day.The SMELL of angst like
Why do I get the feeling we're drifting apart? I hope it's the same between us next time I see you.You are just awesome and amaze me the more I get to know you.Also, WHY ARE YOU SINGLE!?seriously,you can't be funny,hot AND single,there's always a catch[....are you a dude? >.> <.< :D]
# 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
I'm so,so sorry for what I said.I did mean it at the time,but I shouldn't have said it,it didn't make a difference.I wasn't in a great place and I was[am?] a horrible,horrible person on the inside,why couldn't you stay away? Why did I have to hurt you?I hope you're okay and thanks for having low standards ;)
# 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Good-Why are you in my head? I barely know you.Thanks for bringing a smile to my face
Bad-I'm sorry it has to be this way,I don't want to do this to you.But you don't change and something has to.I guess I'll take the fall again this time
# 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Hopefully,I'll change the "for only one day" bit.You weren't the friendliest person I've ever met,but for a single use friend,you had an effect. Thank for the pimp-speak,everyone hates it.But remember,I let you win,because you were funny and I regret nothing
This is so much better than the original IMO and I can't figure why
And doesn't that sound familiar? Doesn't that hit too close to home? Doesn't that make you shiver; the way things could've gone? And doesn't it feel peculiar that everyone wants a little more. So that I do remember to never go that far, Could you leave me with a scar?
I hate this, all this angsty sounding Bullshit.This isn't attention seeking,this isn't acting out,this isn't sparta ;).This is my own piece of crazy trying get some therapy.
I hate the traditions here,it's like living in the 50's.If something's wrong pretend it isn't,if something needs saying don't ask about it,is someone is unusual it's wrong.If something is different stay away from it.
I think it's time I stopped biting my tongue and started biting back
No matter what way you treat a dog,always remember he's got teeth
"A heart full of pain,head full of stress,handful of anger,held in my chest"
Well,it's been a long few days.As of now,my plan is to grit my teeth and see if I can make a compromise at home so I can survive until college comes around.I've cemented one thing in my mind:The second I can stand on my own two feet and move out,I'll be gone like a dust cloud and not look back.
it's the little things that make a difference in life,like today mam rang to say I got my deposit back from college and Dad rang me to get the measurements of something in the shed.I walked out of the house and only for she stopped me,I would have taken the car just to get out of the place,the least you could do is try to talk to me or ask me how I'm feeling.The response I keep getting from my sister and mam is "he's 63,he's not going to change at some stage" well something has to,I'll admit i'm not completely innocent here,I should probably do more,but it shouldn't get to the stage where I have to leave home to get my point across and even then they show no interest,What kind of shitty ass parents are you? Something is wrong when I have to try and fix this relationship.Where were you when I failed first year?Calling me a useless failure,What did you do when I came home at the weekend? Told me what work to do and sent me on the bus,not once was I asked how things were going.
What kills me the most is how good I am[I don't mean that arrogantly] but after years of being told I'm stupid/useless whatever.I can still say I'm not;I'm a decent guy,I try and help people where I can,I don't drink every chance I get,I'm not heavily into drugs,I don't abuse myself or my parents,I work hard at home,I worked hard in college,I failed and picked myself up and got on with it,I've been smacked around by a drunk brother,I've been thrown out of my own bed in the middle of the night as a kid,I've had things thrown across the room at me by my brother,I've lost half my family and I'm only 18 and still[relatively] normal.To be blunt and hurtful[it's not my intent] people have turned to drugs and killed themselves over things as small as exam results or a boy/girlfriend dumping them.
Would it kill you to acknowledge that,just once?It's killing me when you don't.I'm your son,not your slave.
"I wanna be in energy,not with the enemy.A place for my head"
I understand if you don't particularly want to read this,but I need to say it,it's what this blog is for I guess,saying what I have to,I don't really expect anyone to listen
This is sort of on Hiatus,I will finish the whole 30 days thing,but I've a lot of stuff to sort out in the next few days
So bear with me,there's got to be a lot of harsh words said between me and my Dad before something terrible happens.But I'll be damned if I'll just walk away,it's not fixing anything and will do more harm than good for all involved.
I started this last night and deleted as i was far too tired to finish it.I used a different thign to pick the numbers and it pciked the same ones,creepy stuff
# 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to Surprisingly enough,this isn't a relative of mine.I'd love to talk to Is Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax a homeless guy who stopped a mugging and was stabbed by the mugger,who ran away as did the victim.He lay dying on the sidewalk in america as a camera watched almost 20 people walk by him as he bled out over the course of 4 hours.It actually really inspired me,that people can put doing the right thing above all else.I'd just tell him he was a true unsung hero and that he showed at least some people what people are really like # 15 — The person you miss the most Is actually a friend of mine I met in Dublin,we got pretty close in a really shor tspace of time and didn't even see each other much.But when we did we really clicked,hopefully that'll change when I get back.I haven't been that open with someone in a long time.you're a really awesome person, # 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times Keep your chin up,you've beaten worse and don't be afraid to open up,even if it's to relative strangers,just getting it out there is what counts.It doesn't really matter who listens
# 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country Hurry up and get back here so I can ask you out dammit.It's been far too long since we've seen each other. # 17 — Someone from your childhood What happened between us? We were the best of friends,two halves of the same person almost.I'm sorry we didn't go to the same secondary school,but we were still the best of buds even though we didn't meet often.Why did we have to change so much in college? and cop the fuck on and get off the drugs it isn't funny any more dude. # 18 — The person that you wish you could be Who are you exactly? I don't really wish I could be anyone else.Maybe me,just a little different,I wouldn't be single for one thing,there's one chance I regret missing.But for all the shit that's happened to me and still happens,I wouldn't really change it.I guess that's what keeps me sane/positive/whatever.Even with all that I've had to deal with,I wouldn't want anyone else to have it and I know this sounds arrogant,but I think I'm pretty awesome and I like my brand of crazy,not stuck up or anything[even though it sounds like it] but I seem to attract the best of people into my life,some of that must reflect onto me right? How do you sound modest and still say you like yourself at the same time?
I should probably say,I'm rolling a D10[ten sided dice] to pick how I do these,D10's are only used for RPG's and I have a bag of them.I'm such a nerdy gamer.
# 4-Your sibling (or closest relative) Thanks for being there so I can vent every now and then.Thanks for the tips on how to put up with the SH*T around this place.Thanks for living in Dublin and having an awesome couch ;).Thanks for leaving just before I was born,seriously, you got out young and turned out great,you're an inspiration and I'll probably never be able to tell you.I have to ask,did you really need to have that many kids? Do you regret dropping out of college when you got pregnant? and thanks for understanding everything,from what it's like moving out from the folks to my weird sense of humour. You're the very best[like no one ever was :D]
# 8-Your favourite internet friend Please write more,I hardly know you but I love everything I know so far.It's as much about what you say as it is how you say it.Don't be sad,I mean it kills me when you're like that and it shouldn't happen to you.Also,Don't be a stranger, come and say hi,surely you don't think I'm that bad?
#12-The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain This is an odd one; it's split and changes a lot between a few people;
1) Why? what did I do to deserve this? Why do you hate me so much? We should be close,I've tried to be,I lied far too much to make it happen.Now,just leave me alone,some things can't be fixed and it makes everything Shit for me when I try to fix them,you've had you're life now kindly just stay on the periphery of mine so I can have the best one I can.I get I'm not exactly how you wanted,things aren't the way you wanted,but for fuck's sake at least try and change before you make things worse,NO? of course not,you're always right,you're always most important,regardless of the cost.
2)"Where'd you go? I miss you so,seems like it's been forever,that you've been gone" Why? you were the vest one,you were their favourite,they made it pretty obvious.Why did you do it? Could you not have been stronger?Could you not have said something? Wherever you are,if I'm ever near you again,you're going to regret it.Did you not see what would happen?Were you that selfabsorbed with you're own shit that you didn't think of what it would do to the rest of us? What have you got to say for yourself? What reason can there be? You messed up you're career,it messed up my life.I could have been normal,worried about the usual stuff;girls,sports,clothes, but no,you took that away from me,I had to grow up then and there.I had to shoulder everyone else's tears,I had to pick up the pieces,I had to keep going.Why the fuck couldn't you do the same? You used to tell me I was a waste of space,I was a failure,I was the runt,I was the one wasn't good enough.Well,who the fuck were you? I'm still here,what did you ever accomplish? Selfdestruction that destroyed a lot more than just you.I owe you for going before me,you owe me for an entire lifetime being different to everyone else I'll ever know and nothing anyone can do will ever change that.The most important thing I want to say is: "I'm still here and I do love you,idiot" now please get out of my head.
Right,well this seems a bit immature and brings back memories of a 14 year old me on Bebo,but feck it I've nothing else to right about. Day 1 — Your Best Friend Day 2 — Your Crush Day 3 — Your parents Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative) Day 5 — Your dreams Day 6 — A stranger Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush Day 8 — Your favourite internet friend Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from Day 15 — The person you miss the most Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country Day 17 — Someone from your childhood Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to Day 23 — The last person you kissed Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day Day 28 — Someone that changed your life Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror It's meant to be 1 letter per day,Fuck that for a bag of spiders.I think a random number approach fits better,take that meme
