Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What really matters

Awh snap! self-titled blog,this means business :D

so, I got my results for first year today.I fail 5/12 subjects.

That's one of the happiest moments in my life so far,I failed and I'm not suicidal.You literally have no idea how much that means to me.It's something I've worried about and wondered about for 5 years,it's such an inspiration for me.

F*CK you life,I can do this.

So,to give a bit of backstory; 5 years ago this summer,my brother got his results from college and he had failed first year.He said it to my parents and they were okay with it,dad made some of his usual smart comments and the day carried on.At some point[I was in school] they had an argument and Dad in usual fashion called him an idiot etc.I guess it was just too much,dad went off to get something in a nearby town[this was mid-morning] and when he got back no sign of Seamus.After a few hours of phone calls,they decided to get me out of school.They found him in the lake behind our farm,Life hasn't been the same since.

I'm bringing it up because today was the same day.I failed my exams,I regret nothing I lived more this year than any other time in my life.Yet still dad makes a point of calling me stupid,I can take that[most days] but god damn it man,you've lost 3 sons to suicide one of which was in exactly the same situation the day that he died.Will you ever learn? I don't know why I bother,people put up with less and have completely broken ties.Maybe I've issues and am blaming the wrong thing for my brothers,but being insulted daily can kind of mess up your head,no? god no,how could it ever be your lordships fault

I've thought of suicide,I've planned it,hell I even started walking to where I'd do it a few times.I was going to do exactly as my brother did,but he beat me to it.The same thing happened next time around,I had figured out how I'd go if I was going to and a brother beats me to the punch.Honestly,of all of us I always figured I was the weakest,I wasn't as determined as the rest of them,I wasn't as good at getting things done.Well,it's all on my shoulders now.

It'd be nice to have something to get up for in the mornings,apart from insults and regimental orders.Well,that's not the story now,maybe tomorrow or the next day or september

anywho that's probably messier than I wanted it be,but it'll do.

And for anyone having a hard time please:

P.S:I know I probably freak some of you out,but I don't have anyone to talk to most days so it's nice to get it all written down


  1. Failing five is still passing seven. But I don't think that's the point.

    I didn't realise three of your brothers had committed suicide, I'm so sorry. I can't actually begin to imagine how hard that is to deal with, so seriously, you've got to be the strongest person I know.

    You don't deserve to be insulted, and called stupid, and I'd just love to be able to take that away from you. It's not fair. Just remember that there are people who think loads of you - me, and I don't even know you that well!

    Hang on in there. P.S. Love the song.

    Oh, and <3 as usual!

  2. "I failed my exams,I regret nothing I lived more this year than any other time in my life."

    This is a fantastic attitude. If there's anything I've learnt, it's that there's more to life than exam results. Yes, they ARE important but not so important that your health or happiness should suffer.

    Again, I am SO proud of the way that you are being so strong. And inspired! I wish I could explain it better but... you're awesome, that'll do :p

    As always - loads of less than three <3333

  3. Awh man, proud of you /being your mommy

    Today is a very very big day. Well done! You deserve many congrats and well dones and so forth.

    FUCK exams.

    Fuck them backwards and forwards and any way you can articulate.

    There are very few important things in life, and you've got it all down. Keep doing what you're doing. And talk to people. Get it all out, whatever way you can. I'm glad you had a good year - me too. Academically not so much but as we both know that matters sweet fuck all :D

    Stay sane x

  4. Ok I have never even met you, but from reading this blog I just have to say you are a truly inspiring person.

    I read this every time you have a new post and you just amaze me time and time again with your strength and determination.

    You've gone through so much and yet here you are with such a great attitude to life and to others, like you're always ready to help people on Boards whenever they're feeling down.

    I just feel so proud of you and how far you seem to have come.

    I'm no good at writing comments on blogs but I hope you get what I mean and know that I think you are a pure and utter inspiration. You are awesome.

    Keep doing what you're doing. :)