Awh snap! self-titled blog,this means business :D
so, I got my results for first year today.I fail 5/12 subjects.
That's one of the happiest moments in my life so far,I failed and I'm not suicidal.You literally have no idea how much that means to me.It's something I've worried about and wondered about for 5 years,it's such an inspiration for me.
F*CK you life,I can do this.
So,to give a bit of backstory; 5 years ago this summer,my brother got his results from college and he had failed first year.He said it to my parents and they were okay with it,dad made some of his usual smart comments and the day carried on.At some point[I was in school] they had an argument and Dad in usual fashion called him an idiot etc.I guess it was just too much,dad went off to get something in a nearby town[this was mid-morning] and when he got back no sign of Seamus.After a few hours of phone calls,they decided to get me out of school.They found him in the lake behind our farm,Life hasn't been the same since.
I'm bringing it up because today was the same day.I failed my exams,I regret nothing I lived more this year than any other time in my life.Yet still dad makes a point of calling me stupid,I can take that[most days] but god damn it man,you've lost 3 sons to suicide one of which was in exactly the same situation the day that he died.Will you ever learn? I don't know why I bother,people put up with less and have completely broken ties.Maybe I've issues and am blaming the wrong thing for my brothers,but being insulted daily can kind of mess up your head,no? god no,how could it ever be your lordships fault
I've thought of suicide,I've planned it,hell I even started walking to where I'd do it a few times.I was going to do exactly as my brother did,but he beat me to it.The same thing happened next time around,I had figured out how I'd go if I was going to and a brother beats me to the punch.Honestly,of all of us I always figured I was the weakest,I wasn't as determined as the rest of them,I wasn't as good at getting things done.Well,it's all on my shoulders now.
It'd be nice to have something to get up for in the mornings,apart from insults and regimental orders.Well,that's not the story now,maybe tomorrow or the next day or september
anywho that's probably messier than I wanted it be,but it'll do.
And for anyone having a hard time please:
P.S:I know I probably freak some of you out,but I don't have anyone to talk to most days so it's nice to get it all written down
First blog post
1 year ago