Dear world,please switch me off,I've had enough.
That sounds pretty morbid,but I've found whats wrong with me.Apparently,I've a Hero complex,I guess that makes sense.It's hard coded into me,I've been a few different people in my life,I changed a lot in the space of a few years.
But,I've always had this reflex or compulsion,I'm not sure which word to use.Whenever I hear of someone else's trouble I can't help but bring it onto myself,looking back I've always had it,it's part of who I am.
It's almost always worked out badly for me in the long run,my own personal archenemy I guess.I've gotten a caution and a Garda report from it,nearly been killed twice with it,got possibly the most painful memory of my life from it and again probably the proudest achievement of my life,that I've told almost no one about.
well,I've not much else to do,so analysis follow:
The caution I got on Junior cert night,we were out in Castlebar and having a few drinks,like always.After some du,b tough guy act by a few of my friends,we ended up being followed by a crowd of those lovely 'out for a fight' kind of people.Just as we were leaving on the bus,I heard one of the girls scream as the crowd gathered around a friend of mine,being kicked on the ground.I remember looking around for maybe asecond and seeing that no one,out of about 30 people who were all close friends with the guy, was doing anything.I just snapped, I lost my temper which I've done maybe 3-4 times in my life,I dived in swinging and from what I was told after,I broke one guys jaw and probably another guys arm.I can barely remember the fight I acted on sheer instinct,I can remember thinking "I could be killed" and yet I didn't care I had to save him,even if it ended up being the last thing I was going to do,I wasn't leaving him behind.The cards came soon after and cleared them off, I was cautioned for what happened [which I could never understand,there were two of us and about 8 of them]
now,just to clarify,I am not a violent person at all,I never instigate anything,what happened that night was one of the most intense emtional experiences of my life, maybe I'm just odd,but when I say I'd die for my close friends I mean it, then again I'm pretty old fashioned in that when I say I'm someone's frined,It means something,to me at least.
but moving on,my most painful memory has to be the day Paul[my brother] killed himself. Dad was outside the house smoking on the windowsill and I was out with him,I knew I couldn't leave him,Mam was inside surrounded by some of her friends.But not dad,he's the same as me,I knew he was sore but he'd never admit it,he's as headstrong as I am.A neighbour came out and gave him the usual"you'll be okay in time.And sure don't you have this young fella to help you"[me] and I can understand what he said next,he was in a very vulnerable state.I guess I can't blame him, it was "He'll do,but Paul was the best of them" and some other things to that tone.
I could feel myself getting hit with those words,I wasn't good enough to be his son,I was second rate. A part of me died that day,I'm not saying that for dramatic effect, I realised then and there if I was going to do anything in life it'd be on my shoulders.I might not be the best dad,but I was strong enough not to run away from my life. I've bitten my tongue on that statment so many times,don't get me wrong I love my parents more then anything,but I can say this with no exaggeration that I'm probably the last pick,if they had to pick one son to be left with.I guess I can understand that,everyone has their favourite don't they? I guess I'm just not theirs.
and my proudest moment,in first semester of college,I met this girl and she seemed a bit off.Still a pretty outgoing and nice person,but there was something off about her,a look on her face when she thought no one was looking, a certain light she had in her eyes,just something.I confronted her about it one day,just as simple "Is everything okay" she gave the usual "yeah why not" but I kept pushing the issue,turns out I was right,she had been severely depressed for a while about being in college.I pointed her towards councilling and she left college soon after,but she thanked me earlier this year,saying she was close to suicide.She didn't seem it at all,thanked me for being a friend and that she might have gone through with it if I hadn't asked.
I guess I had my own agenda there as well,one of the reason I have the courage to ask now,is I will alwasy have the question burned into my brain "If my one of my brothers had a friend that asked,would I have one more family member right now?"
I've only ever told that story to two people,this blog has really gotten to the "real me" the me that no one sees,it's scary how much this helps.
Wow,this personal blog got pretty personal all of a sudden.
Well,if anyone takes anything from my experiences,it's that someone will always care and if you ever need to talk,or need a shoulder to cry on,I'm always here.
and don't be afraid to ask "How are you?" it coud,quite literally,be a life saver.
if you don't get the title reference:
my favourite line from the song.
First blog post
11 months ago