One of the things I hate most about myself is my muddled up way of getting a point across.
There isn't a week that goes by where I don't feel like screaming what I'm thinking,just to get it out there. I'm just naturally a closed book I guess.
The worst bit is I hate it,I have to be honest I get pretty jealous some times when I see people who can just say it. 'I'm sad' 'I like you' 'I hate you' they all get caught in my throat. I've missed so many oppurtunities because of it.My idea gets someone else a prize, my quiet comment gets a round of applause.
I'm not a jealous person,but sometimes I just kind of feel like "Hey,I'm over here,did anyone notice"
one of these days I'll stop being self absorbed and blog about something else,promise
this'll probably be a double header but anywho.Beware the stench of teenbag in this one.
Can you love and hate someone at the same time? I mean, I love my Dad,he's my father he's kept a roof over my head and taught me some decent life lessons.But on the other hand he is a weapons-grade asshole,I know that sounds very whiney teenager-y.But I've realised it since I came home for the summer.I was never really happy growing up,not that I was UNhappy per sé, but content was the best I ever managed.The best feelings I ever really had growing up was "Well,there's nothing wrong at the moment,that's good right?"
I was never an optimistic person,I just assumed that's how I was.But now I've gotten away for a few months and been myself without the constant criticism,I've realised it's not who I am.I've mentioned being "old me" and "new me" a fair bit lately and to be honest it's the only option,to be two different people. I literally can't stay sane at home,unless I put up with momentous amounts of shit from my old fella.I guess I can't blame him,his dad died when he was a toddler so he never knew what a father would be like,he's worked his entire life,the result being he's a boss more than a parent.But that just doesn't cut it,I can take criticism,I a huge critic of myself anyway so I can see where people are coming from,but some of the things he has said to me over the years; "I hope you fail your exams,I could use a hand around here" "Alan,you're a failure" At my brother's funeral: "Paul was the best of them,I put so much work in with him and now this *points to me* is all I'm left with"
Now I can understand being non-demonstrative,but I've never heard a compliment from my dad that wasn't blatantly sarcastic.I guess he's just like that,but it's gotten to the stage sometimes where I can see where my brothers were coming from about not being able to live like this.I don't like being insulted on a daily basis,nor do I like being told what I can and can't do or how stupid my idea[that eventually solves the problem] is.
I guess the hardest part is trying to understand why,I get the whole putting what hopes he had for my brothers onto me,I'm all he's got left,but after 3 suicides I'd like to think what ever morality he has would say "hmm,maybe I shouldn't treat him like shit" maybe there is some trend appearing here.This is going to be a long summer.I mean looking at some of the crap you see on Jeremy Kyle and Dr. Phil and other crappy daytime TV,it seems like I should be a drug abusing homeless run away or in prison for patricide.Is a little recognition for managing to be a completely broken person too much to ask for? seems so.
and half way through writing this he came into my room and asked me "Do you ever stop looking into that,one of these days I'll break it" the answer I swallowed was; no,I'd rather look into this than look at you,the internet has helped me make new friends and keep old ones,you've discouraged both.
You don't have to respond to this,I just needed to write it down.In case you had any dellusions that I was in anyway normal
I really can't stand being home again.I love home,it's home, it always will be.
But i don't know if it's growing up or that I've changed in college,but I seriously can't put up with my parents any more.I know I've only been back a week,maybe it's just part of settling back in to my old habits.But I'd love nothing more then to go out and get locked this weekend, which is not a feeling I like,ever.
Drinking has always been pretty weird for me, well 'weird' I suppose different is the word. my parents are seriously anti-alchohol, my Gradnfather on my mother's side was an out and out alchoholic [not the funny college kind either].My brother was something similar when he was alive,he never really left home and just drank aroud the local towns every weekend.I guess being messy drunk or having a bit of a "craving"[you know when you just want to get out] scares the living Sh*t out of me deep down.
This is one of the reasons I hate being at home,you HAVE to drink.I hate that,I might have one or two if I feel like it with some friends,that's my limit.I NEVER go out just to get drunk if I can help it,but my area is so dead that there is no interest in doing anything else.I practically gave up drinking in college,not on any major choice or anything,I just had other more fun stuff to do that didn't involve it and I loved it I'll be honest.Finally a change in pace.
well,that made no sense and can you SMELL the angst off this post, shocking stuff like.
I'm starting to get back into my old groove now I'm home and I hate it.
I hate having to bite my lip and not say what deserves to be said; I hate having to just play my role; I hate being nothing more than a tool; I hate being forced to live in my own empty bubble; I hate being insulted, repeatedly; I hate being belittled; I hate being isolated; I hate the old me; I hate the amount of crap I take from people; I hate some of the things I could say to people; I hate how they are getting closer to being said every day; I hate how much I hate;
hmm,this could be one of three posts,let's see where I finish up.
"Tell a girl she's beautiful and she'll believe it for a moment, tell her she's worthless and she'll remember it for life" This was put up as the status on a facebook group I'm in.I don't know who it's by but it makes perfect sense, swap out girl for someone and it puts my social perspective out there.I'm pretty retro-obsessive or neurotic whichever word fits better. I can remember stuff I've said or things people have said to me years ago [ I'm imagining a conversation in 4th class now] I know it's odd,I'm forgetful on most things but every now and then something just sticks in my brain, something I said in the heat of the moment or something that struck a chord with me.Little insults that deep down I agree with, funny how people always focus on the negative rather than the positive.
Saying that, one of my role model-y neighbours[yeah,it's totally a word now] was over today.She's a woman in her early 70's now who used to babysit me the odd time,when my folks wanted me out of the way for a bit.She was in pretty bad health for the last year or so, spending 9 months of last year in hospital with gallstones that kept causing pancreatitis[pain akin to childbirth for hours],now this lady is abou 6 stone and maybe 5 foot tall.She said "Ah,sure it wasn't the best alright" when mam asked her about it,now that's one tough lady.Call me weird/kiss ass/old fashioned if you want, but I have huge respect for anyone in my parents generation[my folks are in their 60's btw]. just because I grew up with anecdotes of the time from dad mostly,they had hard lives[well anyone I know] and are tough people, It's something that's always kept me grounded I guess.My folks grew up from having nothing,I'm so much luckier than they were and my life has been so much easier.
The other thing I wanted to talk about was how bitchy people can be,but the irony of bitching about it in a blog is a bit much, even for me.So,I'll leave it here and pop on a video
I wish I could dance :'(, but I still love to try :P
I'm getting fed up of this being single craic.I'll be honest, it's starting to bother me. I mean first year in college is officially over and I'm still by myself. Am I really that awful?
And I got back home today from college, I can feel this summer being the same as every other falling back into my old life, being that guy again. The biggest thing I hate about where I'm from is that it never changes.Even my old friends are still exactly as they were last summer and the summer before etc.
It even came up in conversaion at one point,how we used to act at the kid's discos the impersonal set ups and such. It's still the same now even though we're in our late teens. the local hobby being drink until you get wasted and hope someone likes the look of you at in the morning. It'd be nice to take a change for once, go to a movie or bowling? it's only half an hour away, nope just me apparently. Binge drinking is still fun after 3/4 years of the same crap.
Maybe I'm just weird like that, but I'll admit I've changed in college,I won't apologies for that. Most of the old group still live together and hang out every day in college. By all means don't lose the old friends but god damn it people broaden your horizons.
Well,It's officially summer for me;exams are over adn now that I'm "home home" it's hit me. I'm 'alone' again,not that I don't have all my old friends from secondary school,but I know I will miss living in Dublin so much.I had the luck to meet people who get the "real me" so much better than anyone at home ever could.
Don't get me wrong,I love being home,it's so much smaller and quieter than the city.Yeah,I sound crazy but the three biggest things I miss when I'm in dublin;The silence,you never really get true silence in dublin,I love the thought at night especiaaly that there is nothing making a sound for a good mile in every direction;The stars,it's probably my favourite thing about being at home,is being able to stare up at the stars,I just wish I could show them to someone; and finally my dog [didn't expect that did you?] that short little fecker is always able to make me smile.People say animals don't have peronalities,that's a lie nothing has ever missed me as much as that little guy did when I was away for the last few weeks with exams. I opened the car door as I got back from the bus and he practically jumped in the car.:D
Probably one of the things I miss the most about living in dublin,not the going out,a club is a club IMO,but the conversation.I never realised until I went to college,but my old friends never really talk.Maybe it's a culchie thing,but thinking back we used to basically run on small talk,"out tonight?" and "Did you see the match?" were all tried and tested conversation starters.Saturday I was talking about the principles behind evolution,then about the theory of god,then the superhero I would make if I became god. Random crap but,I loved every minute of it.
it's going to be a long summer after this week is over....
