"Weep for yourself my man,you'll never be what is in your heart" "Weep Little Lion Man,you're not as brave as you were at the start"
I spend all my time writing this blog and I've never read it,hell half the time I don't even read the words on the screen as I write them[WOO! touch typing].I'm not going to lie,I'm afraid to,I'm afraid to see "what is in my heart" I don't want to see what it's like as a whole,what this makes me seem like.I'll only get defensive and change it or it'll become a conscious thing.Just thinking about it,I'm consciously trying to dilute down what must be a deluge of whingey angsty crap.So I weep for myself,I'll never be what I think I am,but thinking of me as something different,something better is as close as I'll get.
"Rate yourself and Rape yourself,take all the courage you have left" "Wasted on fixing all the problems you made in your own head"
That's me size myself up,set myself up,just to be able to knock it down again.I wish I could convince my family,I'm not lazy dumb or useless,it just take all my effort and attention to force myself into what little they see me as,trying to keep my own head fixed enough to work is a full time job,especially with a full time job :/
I genuinely am starting to hate my own family,I hate that I ahve to say that,but it's how I feel.
We all have this thing[a complex of some sort I guess] where we're always right,I'm painting myself with that brush as well,I assume I'm right most of the time.One thing I don't do and don't have in common with them is;I don't rub it in peoples' faces.
Househunting;I'm saving a good 300 quid a month on last year,but it's not good enough,the places my sister finds are perfect,despite being smaller,shared and further away.But she's right and I'm wrong,why? because that's how it is,thats the way our world works,all the shit lands on the little guy.Apparently,I'm a judgemental ass because I think a spoiled friend of mine is spoiled,I've known the guy for a year,I have a fairly good impression of him and I don't judge people.Why is it a bad thing? He's a funny guy,good to be around,but a spoiled ass,it's who he is.Why am I being judged for having an opinion?
I hate all this whining and moaning I do,but FFS Can I have an opinion or a decision?Would it kill everyone to let me go and live for once?
Maybe all I want is to be a bum and have fun with my mates,can I not make that decision?Or can I make the choices as long as I get where you want me to end up?
"I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be,so I'm lying my way from you"
yesterday was the best day of my summer so far,today was pretty awesome to boot. Why? No real reason,lots of little things; I left my ipod behind when I changed busses,the driver waited for 10 mintues and helped me look for it,great guy. I had a decent bit of sleep yesterday for the first time in months[half of it was on a 4 and a half hour bus trip but still] I slept through a very long bus trip, I got eddie rockets [seriously,vanilla malts beat any drug ever.I know I'm so cool with my milkshakes] House hunting is going pretty well,after douchey lanlords and cancellations an awesome house that fits perfectly has opened up,here's hoping we get it. And an evening of "How I met your Mother" and some great laughs with my[newly realised] best friend. Met a lovely stranger with a great taste in music on the luas[ Ark's <3]
So,if only for a day or two,things are coming up roses for now.It's nice for things to ease off for a moment
"'Cos every little thing,is gonna be alright." If only for now,I believe it
Dear God/Alanis Morrisette/Morgan Freeman/Cuck/Whoever, WHAT THE FUCK?Why me? what did I do to get this?I understand life throws you curveballs sometimes,it keeps you on your feet,let's you scale things,keep things in perspective.
I don't need perspective,I have far,far too much of it at this stage.The more I think about it the more I see the bad stuff.There's that thin veil of happiness on top,why can't that be all I see?
Most people have twists and turns in life,some bullying,some depression,some little accident when they were young that still effects them,some problems at home maybe or just a little bit of an odd background.
Why did I end up with the whole bunch?Why am I nice?Why do I bother any more? Name a problem I've had it or grew up near it.I wish I was exaggerating,I wish I was trying to sound cool,I wish I was posing and being all moody,I wish I could just stop and say it was all made up,it's not.
I wish my brother wasn't an alchoholic; I wish he never hit me as a kid; I wish I wasn't the fat kid people made fun of; I wish I didn't eat all the more because of it; I wish dad didn't fight with them almost every day; I wish we had money; I wish I could qualify for a grant or something; I wish they understood,just because the money comes in,it goes right out again; I wish they cared about family more than work; I wish they didn't kill themselves; I wish I had parents instead of bosses; I wish they could let me get my own job and leave; I wish he didn't prove that I rely on them for everything financial; I wish I could rely on them for anything else; I wish he never called me stupid/slow/useless/a waste of space/the worst one; I wish I had gone through with what I had planned out,let someone else clean up the mess; I wish I could wake up and not be sad; I wish summer was nice and normal like everyone else's,not a living hell; I wish I didn't have to force myself to get up,to hold on a bit longer; I wish I didn't have to work all day to have what most people get handed to them; I wish I had a choice in the matter; I wish I had an opinion that wasn't always wrong; I wish they were proud; I wish I was proud; I wish people could see the scars; I wish they'd heal; I wish I didn't have to care; I wish I didn't have to help; I wish I didn't notice anyone else's problems; I wish I was anyone else; I wish she'd feel the same; I wish I didn't have hopes,you can't shatter what isn't there; I wish there was someone else who could do it; I wish I was normal,is that so much to ask?
"I could really use a wish right now" It could be worse I guess,Still alive,anything else is a bonus,somehow.
Hi,I'm Alan,probably the most fucked up human being you'll ever come across.I'm not made up,I'm not going anywhere,I'm not giving up,I'm not sure why.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? That's alright,because I like the way it hurst Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? That's alright...."
"As I say this to you tonight,let us not forget.There is hope"
So,today was a bad day,well "worse" I suppose.Same as every day,but worse somehow.
On the upside;I sort of mentioned in passing me being depressed to my parents[it took a bit longer than usual to make myself get up for the day] On the downside;their reaction was,basically,: "well go to the doctor and get it fixed,in the mean time we have this, this and this to get done today so shape up"
"Please someone help me,I'm dying here in front of you"
I can't say I didn't see it coming,it's how they are with everything,lip service and just get the hell on with it.
"We'll start a fire and burn some bridges"
What's the point?Why do I bother?This family died 5 years ago,why can't I just walk the hell away?.I know this sounds terrible but it's easier when we don't talk at all,hurray for WANTING a more fucked up life.The biggest thing I like about this place is my dog,how sad is that? I mean really
I know I said I didn't want to be such a whiney bitch,I don't like how this blog makes me come across,but I'm holding on by fingertips here.So,I'ma be a whiney teenbag until I can be sane again..
Music is a big part of my life.It's my drug,even working around home I have an iPod in my pocket and although it causes an argument with dad half the time.I NEED to have a beat in my ear,it gets me through the day.
I know that sounds kind of sad,but it's true.A rhythm to focus on and to keep me focussed or distracted I'm not sure which,but my mind wanders less and that's a really good thing for me right now.It's probably why I have such a soft spot for drum and bass music,it's clean "pure" if you want to sound all emo and junk.No words,no real meaning to get you going,just straight music to do with it what you will,every time I listen to it it could mean something different,feel that bit different.
For me,it's mood manipulation as well,the autoplay song on this blog [that you all hated so much >.>] always calms me down and puts a smile on my face.I have no idea why,something about Iz singing somewhere over a rainbow makes me think of a happier place.It sort of works both ways,certain songs make me feel pissed off, or rather brings it to the surface, "killing in the name of" for one,maybe not angry but not taking any shit kind of mood.Or motivational,just by the way it sounds,in general it's more about the sound than the lyrics; "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen[and various others] is all about sex,but it always seems so sad to my mind.
In a way it always seems to say things better than I can,most of these posts have a song attached,it usually sums it up for me,whether it's just a lyric that stands out for me or the "mood" of the song fits, in my head anyway
Well,that's enough of my craziness for one rambly blog post,makes a nice change from the whingey teenage dirtbag[;)] tripe I normally spew out,so I'll leave it with generic worky type music;
So;on a scale of 1-Bruno how Ghey is this topic idea thingy anyway?
I like this whole "30 days" thing.It's nice having a topic to write about and let's face it I don't HAVE a life to blog about,so here's an Idea I came up with a couple of weeks ago: Topical Blogging, kind of like LC English all over again *shudders*
Pick a topic,write about it.SIMPLES! it's going to be;
I may like How I met your mother a tad too much :D
