A place for my head

"A heart full of pain,head full of stress,handful of anger,held in my chest"

Well,it's been a long few days.As of now,my plan is to grit my teeth and see if I can make a compromise at home so I can survive until college comes around.I've cemented one thing in my mind:The second I can stand on my own two feet and move out,I'll be gone like a dust cloud and not look back.

it's the little things that make a difference in life,like today mam rang to say I got my deposit back from college and Dad rang me to get the measurements of something in the shed.I walked out of the house and only for she stopped me,I would have taken the car just to get out of the place,the least you could do is try to talk to me or ask me how I'm feeling.The response I keep getting from my sister and mam is "he's 63,he's not going to change at some stage" well something has to,I'll admit i'm not completely innocent here,I should probably do more,but it shouldn't get to the stage where I have to leave home to get my point across and even then they show no interest,What kind of shitty ass parents are you? Something is wrong when I have to try and fix this relationship.Where were you when I failed first year?Calling me a useless failure,What did you do when I came home at the weekend? Told me what work to do and sent me on the bus,not once was I asked how things were going.

What kills me the most is how good I am[I don't mean that arrogantly] but after years of being told I'm stupid/useless whatever.I can still say I'm not;I'm a decent guy,I try and help people where I can,I don't drink every chance I get,I'm not heavily into drugs,I don't abuse myself or my parents,I work hard at home,I worked hard in college,I failed and picked myself up and got on with it,I've been smacked around by a drunk brother,I've been thrown out of my own bed in the middle of the night as a kid,I've had things thrown across the room at me by my brother,I've lost half my family and I'm only 18 and still[relatively] normal.To be blunt and hurtful[it's not my intent] people have turned to drugs and killed themselves over things as small as exam results or a boy/girlfriend dumping them.

Would it kill you to acknowledge that,just once?It's killing me when you don't.I'm your son,not your slave.

"I wanna be in energy,not with the enemy.A place for my head"


I understand if you don't particularly want to read this,but I need to say it,it's what this blog is for I guess,saying what I have to,I don't really expect anyone to listen

Hiatus

This is sort of on Hiatus,I will finish the whole 30 days thing,but I've a lot of stuff to sort out in the next few days

So bear with me,there's got to be a lot of harsh words said between me and my Dad before something terrible happens.But I'll be damned if I'll just walk away,it's not fixing anything and will do more harm than good for all involved.

It's been a looong day:

11,15,25

I started this last night and deleted as i was far too tired to finish it.I used a different thign to pick the numbers and it pciked the same ones,creepy stuff

# 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Surprisingly enough,this isn't a relative of mine.I'd love to talk to Is Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax a homeless guy who stopped a mugging and was stabbed by the mugger,who ran away as did the victim.He lay dying on the sidewalk in america as a camera watched almost 20 people walk by him as he bled out over the course of 4 hours.It actually really inspired me,that people can put doing the right thing above all else.I'd just tell him he was a true unsung hero and that he showed at least some people what people are really like
# 15 — The person you miss the most
Is actually a friend of mine I met in Dublin,we got pretty close in a really shor tspace of time and didn't even see each other much.But when we did we really clicked,hopefully that'll change when I get back.I haven't been that open with someone in a long time.you're a really awesome person,
# 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Keep your chin up,you've beaten worse and don't be afraid to open up,even if it's to relative strangers,just getting it out there is what counts.It doesn't really matter who listens

16,17,18.

yes a dice can roll 3 consecutive numbers :/

# 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Hurry up and get back here so I can ask you out dammit.It's been far too long since we've seen each other.
# 17 — Someone from your childhood
What happened between us? We were the best of friends,two halves of the same person almost.I'm sorry we didn't go to the same secondary school,but we were still the best of buds even though we didn't meet often.Why did we have to change so much in college? and cop the fuck on and get off the drugs it isn't funny any more dude.
# 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Who are you exactly?
I don't really wish I could be anyone else.Maybe me,just a little different,I wouldn't be single for one thing,there's one chance I regret missing.But for all the shit that's happened to me and still happens,I wouldn't really change it.I guess that's what keeps me sane/positive/whatever.Even with all that I've had to deal with,I wouldn't want anyone else to have it and I know this sounds arrogant,but I think I'm pretty awesome and I like my brand of crazy,not stuck up or anything[even though it sounds like it] but I seem to attract the best of people into my life,some of that must reflect onto me right? How do you sound modest and still say you like yourself at the same time?

4,8,12

I should probably say,I'm rolling a D10[ten sided dice] to pick how I do these,D10's are only used for RPG's and I have a bag of them.I'm such a nerdy gamer.

# 4-Your sibling (or closest relative)
Thanks for being there so I can vent every now and then.Thanks for the tips on how to put up with the SH*T around this place.Thanks for living in Dublin and having an awesome couch ;).Thanks for leaving just before I was born,seriously, you got out young and turned out great,you're an inspiration and I'll probably never be able to tell you.I have to ask,did you really need to have that many kids? Do you regret dropping out of college when you got pregnant? and thanks for understanding everything,from what it's like moving out from the folks to my weird sense of humour.
You're the very best[like no one ever was :D]

# 8-Your favourite internet friend
Please write more,I hardly know you but I love everything I know so far.It's as much about what you say as it is how you say it.Don't be sad,I mean it kills me when you're like that and it shouldn't happen to you.Also,Don't be a stranger, come and say hi,surely you don't think I'm that bad?

#12-The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
This is an odd one; it's split and changes a lot between a few people;

1) Why? what did I do to deserve this? Why do you hate me so much? We should be close,I've tried to be,I lied far too much to make it happen.Now,just leave me alone,some things can't be fixed and it makes everything Shit for me when I try to fix them,you've had you're life now kindly just stay on the periphery of mine so I can have the best one I can.I get I'm not exactly how you wanted,things aren't the way you wanted,but for fuck's sake at least try and change before you make things worse,NO? of course not,you're always right,you're always most important,regardless of the cost.

2)"Where'd you go? I miss you so,seems like it's been forever,that you've been gone"
Why? you were the vest one,you were their favourite,they made it pretty obvious.Why did you do it? Could you not have been stronger?Could you not have said something?
Wherever you are,if I'm ever near you again,you're going to regret it.Did you not see what would happen?Were you that selfabsorbed with you're own shit that you didn't think of what it would do to the rest of us? What have you got to say for yourself? What reason can there be? You messed up you're career,it messed up my life.I could have been normal,worried about the usual stuff;girls,sports,clothes, but no,you took that away from me,I had to grow up then and there.I had to shoulder everyone else's tears,I had to pick up the pieces,I had to keep going.Why the fuck couldn't you do the same? You used to tell me I was a waste of space,I was a failure,I was the runt,I was the one wasn't good enough.Well,who the fuck were you? I'm still here,what did you ever accomplish? Selfdestruction that destroyed a lot more than just you.I owe you for going before me,you owe me for an entire lifetime being different to everyone else I'll ever know and nothing anyone can do will ever change that.The most important thing I want to say is:
"I'm still here and I do love you,idiot" now please get out of my head.

Welcome Back Bebo

Right,well this seems a bit immature and brings back memories of a 14 year old me on Bebo,but feck it I've nothing else to right about.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favourite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
It's meant to be 1 letter per day,Fuck that for a bag of spiders.I think a random number approach fits better,take that meme

Behind blue eyes

Do you ever wonder what goes on in other people's head?[yeah,I'm weird like that]

I always wonder about people around me,what do you think of me?

What do they see when they look at me?

I mean, I know what I'm like,but does anyone else see me the way I think I am?

Am I the way people think I am?



Sorry, for the confusion