I promised I would

So,things have happened.
First of all the girl of my dreams and this blog and I finally got together.As cheesey as it sounds we were both into each other but due to a load of silly little things we never got together until now.
And after some nudging from her I reread this blog,only in part, and found a list of plans I made for this year.Ironically the entire thing came into being except one,to blog about the happier things as they happen.Well here I am now.

I grew up a lot in the last few months,that long hard summer really got me out of my shell,I kind of feel like this is the "me" I've been missing all these years,that guy who was caught up in all his problems instead of just being awesome.

So,yeah life got shit for a long time,now it's gotten much better and its going to stay that way,so help me.

What's wrong with me now

I can't vent to people around right now for fear of what I'd say sogood ol' blog to the rescue;

There's a high chance that one of my parents can/will die very shortly and it's making me take a look at things,
I'm 19 tomorrow and it's exactly the same as last year.I'm still single,I'm still failing college,I'm still failing my family and no matter how hard I try I can't break this cycle of crap.
To make a bad situation worse;I'm in love with my best friend,I had a thing for her before but managed to just stow that away and hide it,but I can't do it any more,it's killing me.The best part;she confided in a friend that we would have got together months ago if her current boyfriend hadn't beat me to it.So she's still with him,she doesn't like him any more,but won't break up with him because; he's far away and thinks things are okay,her friends like him and once upon a time she liked him.So not only do I have a thing for her,I'm trying to help her sort out her head and watching her in an unhappy relationship,it's breaking my heart.
Me being the big ghey that I am can't help but feel guilty for trying to break them up,I think it's the best thing for the both of them, or am I just being selfish?I'm not sure if I've convinced myself it's the right thing or it actually is the right thing to do.
That along with a chat I had with a friend who's worrying if his other half will leave him drummed up a lot of old feelings I thought were dead and buried.The old self hatred came out again and I can't help but feel like I'm just dragging everyone around me down and the facts of my life;
I can't be happy,it's just not on the cards for me
I can't be loved,I'm far to messed up to subject a girl to me,it's torture and plain unfair[which really helps with the friend situation]
Good old hero complex again,if I can't be happy.I'll live a life that might improve that of those around me,which I'm failing at and doing more harm than good.

And to top it all off,the committee's I'm on are calling me a traitor and a failure because I've other things going on in my life.Just once I'd like to be normal,the steaming pile of crap that is my life,it's my burden to bear but I'm just normal enough to want what everyone else wants,but messed up enough not to have it.

Fuck my life,does anyone want it?I'm tired of it right now.

Just being nice

I've somewhat resigned myself to what I want in life lately.

I get that I'm going to be single for a long time,people that know me agree I shouldn't be and am the nicest most genuinely awesome person ever,but that doesn't matter to people if you don't come across as attractive[I say that with no arrogance or ego but it sounds otherwise]

Instead,I've started just making my corner of the world a bit brighter; A daily ompliment,welfare crew stuff, getting people to talk more about how they are feeling and the Pretty post-its thing I heard about is pretty fun.Put a post it around somewhere with a compliment written on it,it's a challenge to come up with them and finding where to put them, but hopefully someone who really needs it will find it

Also,cycling to Galway this weekend in aid of crumlin children's hospital which is going to be a challenge but it's for a good cause and hopefully I'll feel better about myself after.

That's pretty matter of fact but I'm really busy with everything.Odds are I'll be on here more in the coming weeks,the usual spring/birthday bout of depression is coming on,I just need to get around it for a week then it doesn't matter how I feel

Cawlidge

Sorry blog,life happened,we still cool right?

College this year is interesting, I'm[generally] so much more motivated and in a better state over all. I know so many people it's ridiculous, I can't walk down he concourse without seeing someone I know, it's amazing.I'm so far away from that guy that came to college last year and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

I finally managed to ask out a girl I've held a candle for since about february,turns out she has a boyfriend, cool moving on NEXT!.I never expected this reaction from me,I guess that's why I never took the leap to ask her out.But thankfully, I must have matured or become jaded either way, it's cool. When all I really have to complain about is being single it's pretty cool.

Well,that's a lie.Apparently the finances at home aren't the greatest, so it came down to buying in the usual amount of cattle/feed/etc. this year even though prices went up or paying me for college.cows won.I've worked a lot over the years and have some money earned,which might hold me for this year but still,seriously? F*cking cows over your only son,the only dependant you have,the only investment you can make and still cows, seriously guys?Thanks,makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So,penny pinching aside,this is going to be an awesome year, so help me.Now to convince someone to go out with me,this'll take doing but let's see what happens

Karma,you bitch

So, stuff what did happen lately;
My plan to leave and get a week in Dublin before college got crapped all over,but I'm here now \o/
I missed my Driving test by 2 hours [12;45 vs 2;45] sometimes,I wonder how I manage to keep the show on the road at all.

I actually prayed I'd pass, I genuinely have never prayed for anything in 6/7 years.I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I'd take the "god's a kid with the magnifying glass and we're the ants" approach.I kinda feel dirty about it now :/

Yesterday, on the bus up from home, I saw the body of a drowned woman being dragged out of the liffey as we went passed.It brought back all the memories of the day they found my brother, my world fucking split that day and all the pointless crap everyone else worries about just disappeared.I sort of realised why I'm so cluttered and have a thought process like rabbit on speed,it's self defence.People tell me, I'm heedless, heartless and even stupid because of it. It's the best option for me, keep thinking,keep your mind moving and don't focus on anything too often, it's why I always have music around me, a distraction.Why? the simple truth is, there's so much in my life that's out of my control, I think I'm better off not thinking about how much there is, I prefer missing half it.

It does make me wonder, what sort of an evil bastard must I be, to deserve this

But I will hold on hope
"And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in my pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

but most importantly; Ranelagh, FUCK YEAH. FREEDOM!!

"
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

"Oh if I could kidnap that feeling,the one that melts all this from your mind.I'd make no demands, no ransom.'Cos I'd never set it free"

This is the first free time I've had since I got back from the Gathering. it's the nerdiest thing I've ever done.Grown adults dressing up and fighting with swords, sounds nuts?it is, think I'm crazy for doing it? so do I, think it's unbelievably weird? me too.

Best weekend of my life? BOOM!

I met the nicest people,strangers I met on the ferry loaned me about 50 quids worth of stuff just because I was new,any time we went looking at gear people were happy to pay for it or give me gear instead, why? Because weird ass gamer/internet freaks are the nicest,kindest human beings I've ever met and guess what I'm darn proud to be one of them.

[Note:wow,it really is no surprise why I'm single,damn you nerddom!]

The downside,I made the mistake of giving a rough description of what I was at to my folks, basically said I was swordfighting for the weekend.The response? Laughed at and called a nut by my old man.

So,life is good overall.I'm almost free[5 days!!] I know what I like,I dodge the ridicule for doing it,I've people who don't care what I've come from,just who I am.I get to be me,not what I feel I have to be,that whole "Square peg,round hole" situation is coming to an end.

So o everyone who's given me so much shit;HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCH!

Life,for now is good.No to sleep,in my awesome new flat in Dublin \o/

What's wrong with me?

Here I am, 6 in the morning.Just got home from my first night out in almost 3 months and the guilt is killing me.I slipped,just for a moment, said yes to people I really shouldn't know any more,people I'm not safe around any more.

I drank,I smoked,I got high, I fucked up.I'm feeling like such a fucked up little boy right now,I guess that's what I am deep down.Everything else is just a cover to get by, a smile for the cameras.Why can't I let myself relax?

I mean,maybe I'm wrong,maybe I have it all mixed up.But can't an 18 year old guy just go out and have a few drinks with some old friends?Hell no,I always do this,if I get the chance I jump at the escape,drink too much and come home more of a failure than when I left.

I'm tired of it all,I can't do this any more.I need to get away from this place,these people, it's all just too poisonous to be around.

Damn it life,I just want to be happy,why is that never an option? Everyone around me is moving on and enjoying their lives,why can't I just have that? is it really too much to ask for? Apparently so.